This Behavioural Experiment

Maybe they should try this behavioural
experiment, see what kind of love poems
people deprived of sleep can write, my
hypothesis is that the less I sleep, the
more fatigued, the worse the work on
my desk - like laws and codes of
criminal procedure –

The more natural and easier it is to write
love poetry, you should really try it, apply it
everywhere, waiting in line somewhere, forced
to play musical chairs in a government institution,
joining a queue in front of the post office, just
prepare by being sleep-deprived – no more
than four hours at most

Drink some vodka, then feel the inspiration
that comes, the muses love anyone who can’t
think straight any more, they adore filling brain-
dead zombies with genius; all happy spirits
congregate on the insomniac victim, they
confiscate normal boring thoughts and
substitute them with passion and love

With affection and wild ideas, beautiful
visions of new world regimes where
love is the governing force…

The Worst Nightmare

I feel guilty and perplexed, there is so
much junk on my computer, but the
ONE document I need is nowhere to
be seen, should experts dig through
the gunk I have accumulated and see
all the nonsense I’ve stashed, they’ll
have a heart attack, when will I get
my life on track, I’ve been doing so
well lately, then the month of April
came along and destroyed my diet
with its many days off; now I can’t
re-orientate and win my thoughts
back, I’m lost in a deep, dark tunnel
and I’ve got to walk the way all alone;
as long as I am better before driving
off because driving while living in a
nightmare is no picnic at all – more
like the worst nightmare there is…

An Anxiety Attack

Brilliant – Having an anxiety attack at work,
not daring to tell anyone because it is illegal –
given that it is caused by chemicals in food –
I know processed food is forbidden, but some-
times I just don’t prepare the right stuff and
don’t eat enough of the vegetables that keep
my brain functioning, now I can’t find my
template that we need for tomorrow, I’ll
have to confess my delinquency, but right now
I’m scared of my own shadow, can only listen
to Mantovani, I’m scared of my own work,
can’t look at my documents, can’t register
anything I see – THIS is my definition of
hell, flames burning can never be as bad as
this mental and emotional pain caused by
chemical disorder – I’m drinking pills because
I can’t inflict my sorrow on anyone else;
this is a burden I must carry myself….

Arabic Alphabet Song

Went back to the Arabic alphabet song
that I can’t understand at all after doing
only a three-months course in Arabic
four years ago, but that still enchant me
so, another device to enlarge the codes
to be used in my spy story, oh you brilliant
Internet, the right way to enjoy life in a
technological society, if only Alvin Toffler
has written about this – Untergang des
Abendlandes never seemed further away
or more undesirable than today!

ﺒﺑﺐﺎﺌﺊﺉﺈﺇﺆﺄﺢﺡﺠﺟﺞﺜﺚﺘﺖﺔﺓﺲﺰﺭﺬﺪﺨﺦﺥﺤﻒﻐﻏﻎﻍ

http://www.funwitharabic.com/song.htm

Aha, found a much better source of information
where I click on every letter to hear the
pronunciation!

http://www.funwitharabic.com/intro.html

Spying Is Alive And Well

Now it is easy to see how secret agent work
communication can be carried out at work; I
put my computer on mute since we moved to
Kingsley, then brought Susan Boyle, switched
on the sound and listened with head-phones –
the karaoke I have stowed long ago could be
accessed again – and I realized it could be full
of coded messages, all our spy-information
relayed with no-one the wiser, the birdsong
video clip with Toselli’s serenade could be
a long string of codes hidden in the notes, os-
tensibly a melody, but just like the DNA code
of the human genome that can be listened to when
all values are assigned a note, so the song can
be translated into a long string of words forming
an intricate message – ta dah,
spying is alive and well!

Brown Donkeyskin Top

This morning every dedicated fashionista
would have stoned me to death if they could
have seen me wearing green with a brown
donkeyskin top covered by a longsleeved black
top – with a second longsleeved black top – four
layers of clothing to stay warm; all drab and drawn –
it must be seen as the most awkward fashion
statement ever made since the beginning of
space- time in the Big Bang; illustrating the worst
taste in clothes ever seen – in a desperate bid to
warm up again, I spread my black Harry Potter
toga over the air-con vents; if we were making
my James Bond movie with Sean Connery,
the air-con vents would have been blowing
poisonous gases and not just ice-cold air;
Chris, out local factotum, gave the Bond title
role to Jane this morning, looks like I’ll have to
join Bond’s enemies if I want to stay in
the movie at all!

My Heart Took Flight

I have lovely colleagues, marvelous people,
totally devoid of imagination and that helps
SUCH a lot, they can concentrate on boring
tasks with a devotion that goes far beyond
religious inspiration, with spiritual joy they
can complete bone-dry translations that
drive me to suicide; presented with the voice
of Susan Boyle they superciliously sneered and
descried all forms of art, especially the music
I enjoy and love so much - and I smiled

It is good that the world contains such variety,
without them who would have done the 99%
of administration that is like the invisible dark
matter in the universe and kills the sensitive soul
of the world’s dreamer’s and artists – if they were
all dreamers like me, we would have been locked
up; but since they can administrate while hating art
with a vengeance, I can dream about visions while
dying inside when faced with administration – if it
were not for my rational, administrative, logical, cold

Number-conscious colleagues, I would have lost my job
and artists would never have eaten well – so thank
heaven for all those who sneered this morning
while my heart took flight!

La Fée Clochette

The best picture for a brain that is
sleepwalking again!

Stars Of Fantasy

Back from the library with illustrated
books on astronomy, showing the size
of our galaxy and all other superclus-
ters and enormous stars of fantasy,
to the ends of the universe, says
one book, and I add - and
beyond, right on
into infinity!

Love For Poetry

During the ACALAN conference I
met the most wonderful people -
but the photographer was not
forthcoming with his photos until
the people left, now Professeur
Binam Bikoi of the Cameroon,
will never see his photo –
and I was delighted
with his love for
poetry!

More Grabianski Because...

I finally found a computer with settings that work!

Grabianski Is Wonderful!

This is why I love this artist!

Stuck With Fairytales

An illegal hot pie and walking fast
in the hot sun, all to no avail, the
library is closed today, lost my
library card on the way, pity, now
I’ll have to buy a new one, I’m still
stuck with Fairytales; don’t want to
read ‘Red Shoes’ and ‘Steadfast Tin
Soldier’ again, both end on a positive
note, but at great sacrifice: The
dancing girl had her feet encased in
red dancing shoes chopped off, and
the Tin Soldier died with his ladylove,
the ballerina, in his arms, melting
into a heart – that’s not fair at all,
beautiful, but much too tragic…

Our New Footrests

24 April 2009: We received our new
footrests, a perfect Bond-weapon, a
heavy board unattached to the metal
underneath, pick it up and clobber any
enemies over the head, we could stage
a general tumult with all sides fighting
each other with these boards, possibilities
are endless – but as footrests, I’m sorry to
say, they are not very well suited, falling
apart when I move my feet, requiring
frequent trips to the area underneath
my table to put the contraption
together again…

Spiraling To Infinity

Must I really continue with these
questionnaires in a world that keeps
spiraling to infinity and me sitting here,
chasing my own tail round and round,
just another batch of the same stuff?
Must I really be spending time on
emphasizing the nothingness of reality?

Dead Moments In A Dead World

20 April 2009 - 15:00 - Working
mechanically, keeping an eyes on the
illustrated cover of the book, my lifeline,
plodding on without reaching a margin of
frustration and impatience, dead moments
in a dead world, though the music is alive and
moving through my ears, I don’t resonate with
with these renditions of Carmen and The Merry
Widow, lack of animation is also a positive
state, although rather boring, the grey chain
of replies to questions passing slowly,
plodding on, the world will turn on again,
light and feeling will come back again,
this reassurance is unshakeable,
nothingness always ends…

Only The Book Is Real

20 April 2009 14:00 Lost contact with
the world, the feeling of being part of
universal consciousness is gone, on
my own island, found a magic book in
the library, moving slowly because this
is a mechanical robot in my place, the
real me is tightly tied and muffled, hidden
in invisibility, found the enchanting title
‘Juliet Dove, Queen of Love’ a girl with
the nickname ‘Killer’, now I can deal with
my estrangement, the need to go under-
ground, big black emptiness in my head,
only patch of light and reality is the book
on my left side, there is no light left for
dealing with the boring questionnaires,
only the book is real, the rest is death…

Time Standstill 20 April 2009 12:00

And just like that, time came to a standstill,
my ability to pick up the movement of the earth
around its own axis suddenly lost, I’m caught in
the middle of nothingness with endless questionnaires
for company, with duty beckoning, my spirit fleeing
and my heart shrinking, an emotional void
that is growing bigger by the moment…

No way to stop the process, feeling myself
sinking into a pit of darkness, the Black Hole in
my mind swallowing reality and my brain short-
circuiting in revolt against the events of my so-
called life – which seems to reduce to nothingness
light itself cannot escape the darkness that switched
off the prism in my mind so that all white light of factual
beingness vanishes and disappears…

I know that playing at being heard makes life bearable,
but not feeling the universe’s listening ears and having to
carry on this earthly pilgrimage on faith and trust alone,
creates such a feeling of despairing loneliness…

At least I know what the Nac Mac Feegles would have said
if they were here: “Ach crivens, the bigjob –me– fell into the
pit of darkness again, oh wiley, wiley, wiley, all is lost…”

So Sleepy

13:45 - I’m so sleepy I can’t keep
my eyes open, should I try to eat
something or give in to this urge
to sleep? – Out of the question
in the open-plan office, of course,
struggling on at a rate of one word
per infinity…

Leave Me to Die As Best May

So you went to a restaurant?

Yes, but I didn’t know beforehand
that they had a special on pizzas,
two for the price of one, I could have
both the Margarita and Tropical
in one go

And yet you did know pizza cause
you pain, especially the
back and neck?

Yes, but it is so nice to eat pizza, I indulge
frequently, enjoy, pay the price afterwards,
is my motto

Then you can’t complain anywhere on
earth about back-pain, neck spasms
and fevers, can you? –

No, I may not, I’ve got to pay the price in
silence, I suppose, but I can’t stop my
thoughts running on; why do I have the
allergy when everybody is enjoying their
lives, eating meat causes migraine and
potatoes always make me ill, I balance
between feeling bad and feeling worse

The best time is when I fast, but then I
run out of energy and will to live; but
right now I’m in the height of allergic
reaction, the pain is stronger than the
will to suffer quietly, I’ll scream it from
the rooftops, broadcast it everywhere
on earth:

I’M IN PAIN - SUFFERING AGAIN,
CAN’T CONCENTRATE; CAN’T SUSTAIN
ROUTINE ACTION IN AN UNEVENTFUL
LIFE, I SHALL WITHDRAW INTO ANOTHER
DIMENSION TILL THE PAIN GOES AWAY,
LEAVE ME TO DIE AS BEST I MAY!

Hot Chocolate Ice-Cream

Tuesday 14 April 2009 – I knew there was something
to be down about, feeling depressed is like an inner
mental order, remembering errors and mistakes drilled
into my psyche, now I remembered: I can’t find a whole
batch of questionnaires I’ve already translated, perchance
I have deleted it when the process was Open Document,
Give New Name And Proceed –I simply forgot to give it
a new name and destroyed the original, now how to redo
the original? I spend so much time pondering this mishap,
Terry Practchett would have explained how happily I’m
cherishing my negative core, how exciting the screaming
fight to come when my boss asks for the document I have
airily destroyed, but right now it is not possible to adopt his
energizing perspective, I simply sigh and listen to Hanlie
explaining family matters and June’s sage replies
concerning recalcitrant teenage kids, while enjoying
Hermien’s tales about the unexpected joie de vivre of
their Golden Retriever puppy, wondering when I should
flee into the Wimpy and consume a reinforcing, spirit-
supporting hot chocolate ice-cream…

Love, Beauty and Wisdom

More time to consider the meaning of life,
the essence of your desire will come to you,
my positive book said, my desire is for love,
beauty and wisdom

- lovely stewing beef, with just enough fat to
make it wonderful, and I pay the price, forced
to contemplate the meaning of life, due to a
digestive problems -

The essence that anchors temporary life to
eternity, the enduring quality that accompanies
us into infinity, is only experienced in love,
beauty and wisdom

Some intrigues are symbolical representations
of love, beauty and wisdom in interaction, love
can be used to create beauty if wisdom is the
guiding principle

Everything we do is an attempt to become
happy, when indisposition makes sleep
impossible, I evaluate actions and events
in my life

Deciding which brought joy and success and
should be repeated, which things caused pain
and suffering and should be eschewed
in future

While feeling welI, I record positive words as
expressions of eternal beauty to be repeated
when I’m ill, gathering jewels to contemplate
when sleep flies away

Words not limited to context and situation, words
with universal meaning and application which allow
for joyous repetition when required, timeless
concepts like

Christine forgiving the Phantom, a fairy tale princess
sacrificing her life to save her beloved brothers, Mouche’s
innocence resurrected every morning by seven puppets
after suffering

The nightly attempts of a cynical puppeteer to corrupt
her beautiful faith in life, a lover nobly serving a beautiful
opera singer after she married his best friend – all these
things sustain me when

Insomnia and fatigue take me captive….

Little Ladies Too Refined

Cultural differences are so strange,
we as a cultural group have been
taught to be humble, when confronted
with another cultural group’s arrogance,
I’m surprised, with one hand I want to help
the person who suffers, but as she sneers,
I want to launch an axe attack with the other
hand, it is fine to have self-confidence, but if
it is based on false superiority, it is not nice,
we are willing to do everything at work, move
heavy stuff around, carry books, take work
home – but another kind of person draws a
line – I’m to good for that, I look down on those
who serve – making barbed remarks with a
sweet smile in a soppy thin kind of voice – my
tribe’s people are very friendly, but very sober
and aware of nuances, all of us are self-sufficient,
little ladies too refined to pull their weight won’t
get very far at all.

Questionnaires Blue Also

Changed my questionnaires to blue also,
easy to read and heavenly, black letters
are depressing - but there are a million
questionnaires, Lady Time provides ample
space for everything, but my mind is wandering,
a few pages and I wish to do something else –

Now is the time for moral fortitude, sticking with
one routine job, growing in stature, no seeking
interesting facts or joyous emotions, eyes straight
ahead on the goal, earning a salary that will pay
for my bread – maybe attention deficit syndrome
is the thorn in my flesh that I have to overcome
just as St Paul in the Bible had to overcome his…

Changed All Fonts To Blue

I changed all fonts to blue in my production
and assessment documents, crying silently
in frustration and misery, not bothering Jane
or Hanlie, the more I look at this, the worse
the headache and desperation, irrational fear
and hatred of paperwork becoming overwhelming,
cannot work out the equations, just a mental block

How perfectly awful, I keep staring at the screen
in an effort to force my brain to register, force my
eyes to interpret what they see, all I feel is total
depression, yet everyone is helping each other,
even me, commiserating, the colour blue helps,
I don’t feel such black despair, I have tried my
best, although the outcome is still unsure…

An Exotic Dovecote

My world is turning ever more blue,
affixed a blue sunscreen to the window,
now the fishes on it are swimming past,
hung a blue container for children’s toys
from the ceiling where it looks like an
exotic dovecote or fairy castle, you can
see it from everywhere, Jane reports,
I suppose June will want to fight the
encroaching squatter camp squalor –
but this makes up for my fright earlier
today when starting with administration
and I lost my way in my computer’s
memory, Hanlie went through my
documents and I was ashamed of
all the things I collect – very little
related to work…