New Circumstances Diary Note for 31/07/12

Requests granted, prayers heard, provided nobody is compelled to

do something against their will, we can only change ourselves and

the world around us - be very careful what to ask for because when

wishes are fulfilled we might discover we do not like the result

I prayed for the ability to work like a machine, this wish is fulfilled

the disc problems in my neck can be ignored with the help of the

neuropathic signal suppressor pregabalin, the lovely thing is any-

one can pray and meditate in any way they like in any religion

Quantum physics proves the world is changed through human

awareness, no one specific creed or formal ritual is universal,

any unique religion or attitude is powerful enough to bring our

dreams about, we only have to choose wisely in order to -

- Live happily in our new circumstances…

Life In Bluish Green (Revised)

Incredible, subject to neither excessive joy nor dramatic 

depression, immobile all day researching terms for 

my texts, no emotional response to the world 

outside: thus it would seem I achieved my 

object of becoming a machine

Checking statistics without stress, a single-minded
focus on my text within these four walls of reality,
no concern about any other thing on earth – the
opportunity to enjoy a peace and calm normal
people feel when working without interruption

At last satisfied with the visible part of life in
Stoicism, no floating on a dream nor sinking
into black nothingness, life in bluish green, no
third voice to make comments, scenery arranged
in Framework 2 without my help

30 June 2012

Freedom Of Rational Thinking

Worked without fatigue and anxiety, without
fear of the darkness lurking in my head, and
then you said, “Do not take these pills regularly”
I thought ‘but they enable my being a regular
human being instead of an imitation golem
equivalent to a paranoid android’
 
I prefer to be on an even keel to being at the
mercy of the wind, tossed about in the sea of
my own fears, and after tasting the freedom
of rational thinking less mental blocks to
interfere I reject the Dark Middle Ages holding
sway in my mind and imagination
 
To just sit and breathe without anxiety is such
a treat – I cannot give that up willingly!

Impossible To Understand

Sad my lament: lovely Lyrica composing

lyrical, melodious time lines around me,

cannot block allergic reaction, a festive

muesli breakfast led to allergy causing

short-circuiting brain and confusion

Yet still free from neuropathic pain - thus

Lyrica blocks feedback from neck to feet

only my eyes became unglued making it

impossible to understand the text I am

reading,  a typical story of avarice

And greed, two criminals fighting, one

enlisting Interpol’ help, the world will

not suffer for waiting to read about

breach of trust; catching an alleged

thief only means the first one

Won the argument, justice is not done

nor can it be in our illusive world of

contextual events and arguments…

My Mission - Whatever

Feeling fatigue YET able to

continue my translating job,

nothing interferes with my

salt pillar stance, my Marvin

the paranoid android act

Though my eyes feel like falling

out of my head and I want get

up, I can stay here for eternity,

not eating, just water for a dry

mouth, I can be a golem

The drug becomes a chem in my

head and I need never stop, only

must go home for a healthy meal,

by then I shall be too tired to do

anything - the paranoid android

Part of me needs sleep to reload

while the golem will keep looking

for something to do – the chem

goes deeper than my head, there

are words in my heart 

Being a Spartan Puritan, I cannot

stop my mission – whatever it is…

Quite Wonderful

Cool, calm and immobile as a rock, en-

joying existence without any thought to
scare me into leaving my being, to flee
to an alternative universe
 
I stay can here without fear, no anxiety
forcing me to overeating and dreaming
no flushing red cheeks every 5 minutes
informing the world I’m confused
 
No need to carry a storybook everywhere
I go - keeping my feet planted on mother
earth - no feeling the need to find words
to transcend this moment in time
 
No running around because I can sit still
and concentrate, looking for little details
for my little text, no surging emotions to
make me sing just to cry afterwards
 
I want to live like this for a while, it must be
the way others experience the world, it is
quite wonderful…

Dreams Coming True

Finally one of my dreams is coming true: to be a robot,

impervious, undisturbed, calm, unemotional, cool, able

to sit in one position all day long and do just one thing:

translating, no feeling response to anything – because

no noradrenaline, no fight or flight response – I always

took flight – now almost nothing can evoke a reaction,

this medication is straight from heaven, always wished

I could sit quietly like my colleagues and just do my

work without wondering about the meaning of life

or the reason for being, all feedback to my brain is

interrupted so the little alien in my head is unaware

of what’s going on and gets a rest, what bliss;

normally I am so frustratingly anxious and now –

I’m like a real human being, the stony kind –

just right to enjoy my work without thinking!

Not My Repertoire

Being assertive is not part of my repertoire,

I have never learnt to insist on the essentials

required for health and well-being, no wonder

I am scared of a world which is well-meaning

but where I cannot begin to make myself un-

derstood - I can serve others and see to their

needs - bring them the moon

Yet for my own Puritan self, one angry look

from my beloved and I wilt like a flower, one

angry word from a colleague and I tumble in

despair – I can’t ask for the ergonomically

correct work space and user-friendly chair

required for a pain-free posture - trapped

in my own mind – I can’t break free

Right now I wax lyrical about Pregabalin

administered as LYRICA to deaden the

nerves and scramble the signals of

neurological pain because I sit in a

chair that is breaking my back…

Saturday 21 June 2012

Wish For Release

Scared to return to the office to sit
in a chair that does not meet the
need for a correct sitting position
as the desk is too high for the office
chair I bought myself and the bar
stool I have is causing neck-ache

I don’t know who to ask and where
to go to get my work station fixed
and raise the computer screen so
my head is not forced to hang down
and increase the pain in my neck,
I receive medication to force
my brain to ignore the pain

Will this help me to sit in the wrong
position until I am dead in my chair?
I ardently wish for release in what-
ever way if I cannot be freed from
the chair and the pain...

Saturday 21 June 2012

She Is Unique

Mom’s surgery today, though her behaviour is

infuriating and my (self-)righteous indignation

excruciating - I’m dying in my skin, waiting to

hear the report from sis who argued with mom

on their way to the hospital – mom insisting to

greet a friend  - then being late

Whatever outcome, I must be informed, I walk

up and down - haunted - a spirit possessed -

how shall I deal with the result - what is to be

PLEASE let me know - mom is irrational but

then she has always been; even if she were

oblivious to our existence, it is great

To know her; though an Astrogenetic Leo like

mom creates problems, she is also unique

and her heart is BIG – much bigger than

yours and mine!

18 July 2012

Blast out My Brains

My serotonin-seeking adrenaline-driven project brought me no

dividends, telling another joke did not work again, fatigue won

the day, tired I returned to my desk, head heavy and hurting, no

more pills in my bag, the last stretch before I can obtain more,

forced to listen to every word said by my colleague just returned

from exciting times in great camping sites, needing escape I blast

out my brains with obladi-oblada in my ears

Earlier this morning:

Pollyanna-ism And Puritanism

Happily balanced on the fulcrum

of my sore throat, told my friends

about wearing a surgical mask this

weekend, floating on the pressure

in my head unworried about being

comatose as I pirouette around the

swelling in my ears, leaning into the

eye of the storm, calm and resigned

Asking nothing, expecting less, the

perfect attitude as Pollyanna-ism

repulses the ice-cold Puritanism in

my soul, with pseudo-ephedrine I

can breathe and it is a privilege,

being comfortable while making

time pass sitting upright and de-

vising a story in my head

Laughter makes me feel better; I

had better find more victims to

laugh with as it acts like a drug

that puts me high

Diary Notes 16 July 2012

Working Undercover

I walked in and mom said hallo, I wore a surgical mask to keep
my cold germs for myself and not infect mom scheduled for a hip
replacement operation; I refused to take her out for coffee given
it was cold, the wind strong, clouds blocking the sun, next thing
she wanted me to buy junk food as she refused to join the others
in the mess hall for vegetables and meat - I did not, then she
asked me to drive her friend (& mom, of course) to her daughter
as her daughter’s car did not start this morning - I refused the
irrational request, given the circumstances; then we meet her
friend Aunt Maida in the passage who tells me my sister is
expected tomorrow, so I thank mom facetiously for telling me
and she, unperturbed, replies – I forgot; my sister also did not
bother inform me – is this a tightly kept secret as of now? – so
I decided to do nothings as they feel it is the best way to go,
though I’m surprised, it does not change anything, if working
undercover makes them happy because I refuse to comply with
any of their irrational wishes - like driving new friends about
while mom is ill and has to be kept still; so be it…