Separate Beings [Rev]

Let me embrace the depression which WILL be
acknowledged and insists on ‘right of being’; let
me stop balancing on the precipice while trying
to convince myself to believe my emotions are
under control, that I can govern my thoughts –

Wrong, I just blocked them like chemicals stop
synapses from firing in this slow decomposition
process while I’m still alive - how gory, bizarre -
let me sink into the dark & know the frustration
that resides therein, let me plumb the depths of

My feelings & allow them freedom of expression,
no longer making doomed efforts to turn myself
into a robot executing dreary routines in a semi-
comatose state; allow passion to spend itself in
reality, & let me stop this slow rot of attempting

To escape the fate of the infirm no longer able to
walk - let me LIVE while I’m alive and die quickly
when deciding to move on to new dimensions of
non-physical existence where the emotions are
communicated without need of words & music

Plays in feelings as separate beings….

[Monday 26/06/17]

Diary Notes - Friday 23 June 2017

Yesterday I was over the moon having finished navigating
my way through the Portuguese regulations, and voilà, after
handing it in for quality checking, I was rewarded with just
another Portuguese document for my pains, a cooperation
project between South Africa and Brazil, no legislation, no
formulations to be found on the Internet – and I was fazed,
stopped in my tracks, overcome –

Today I started making work-on-hand lists, positioning for
another gruelling Portuguese session. At least the universe
is making good use of my ability to become anxious & worry
about the next thing, double-guessing myself…

The need for colour turned to a severe aversion to pink
and my desk is surrounded with pastel blue, bright yellow
and lime-green; all the pink behind my back, this colour
scheme is resonating with the world so well at the moment.
It points to a poem, but we’ll see.

Feng Shui – the elevations to be able to stand and work
are a straight line now and my desk seems less crowded
and hopefully the positioning will facilitate work prowess.
BUT I’ve got a pink rose pinned to my blue and white top
so the pink factor cannot be discarded – don’t know why.

The necessary emotional gossamer has to be woven from
thoughts and feelings to keep my mind and heart safe when
tackling the next Portuguese mountain with its pitfalls and
deceptions…

We were asked to rename the building we’re moving to – at
present it’s called the “Van Wyk Louw Building”. thus I
suggested Xanadu, Shangri-La or Mabalel, tongue-in-cheek
or “Ratau” which means Lion – did think of “Lalapanzi”,
but it means “sleep well” & would not have worked at all…
I hope someone in the Renaming Team enjoyed this with me…

Remain Ignorant [Rev]

The universe’s too random, a colleague complains,
anybody can get cancer at any time for no reason;
I said but there IS one - and we are all individuals,
but my remark is completely ignored as everyone
wants to believe in a hostile universe - & we need

Never accept responsibility for anything happening:
saying we create our own reality has no resonance
for my colleagues in a dream of being innocents on
a Shakespearian sea of strange happenings in this
material universe, one that came into being without

Need of planning or consciousness - suddenly one
day a form of life evolved by itself: as the animated
conversation turns in circles I decide to tune out the
sound by diligent earphone application in frustration
due to my belief thoughts and emotions determine

Our hormonal settings, the manifestation of illness
a picture showing physical effects of our choice of
thought & feeling; why listen to jabbering sounding
like childish gibberish when my ideas are ignored
as unwelcome in the extreme - I would have been

Victim of this noise - which pointedly ignores me;
listening to my iPod music is the only way to stay
sane in a place most people deliberately choose
to remain ignorant…

Die Of Beauty

 

Concentration on the meaning of words alone
without feeling, emotion symbolised in rhythm
and sound; makes me feel so alone, so alone,
so bored and alone, there’s no joy in being

When it shrinks to a game of terms that suit the
theme in front of me, phytosanitary regulation –
colour can’t touch me as the vibrant world does
not reflect the silence and isolation inside

Where my inner commentary runs in the dark-
ness behind my eyes where only love & fantasy
can live: the little alien in my head already thinks
he’s dead as nothing stirs any feeling within

Sad at the boring uniformity of the days of well-
being not making contact with the soul of any-
thing, an outside life on the surface of my days
and the boredom of the grays, the gray matter

Of the brain which keeps shrinking under modern
medicine stopping synapses from firing, stopping
life in order to enable my body to be a machine –
deep within I’m sad, growing sadder, the words

In my favourite books can’t reach into my heart nor
touch my soul, my spirit sits in contemplation of the
religious ideal of supreme calm - and it bores me so
much, yet I can’t cry because nothing disturbs the

Slowing waters of my heart, no fairy dancing - no
dream enthralls, nothing captivates and stirs the still
pool of pious calm in the cathedral of my mind, and
what a prison it is, what a place to die of inability

To feel passion within the beauty & harmony inside…

[Tuesday 20 June 2017]

Mental Neglect

Lyrica - pregabalin - is a substance silencing the
brain to stop those who have the infernal audacity
to complain of pain, shut-up and bear it or risk the
prescription of a brain-synapse-destroying poison

I used to wonder why society did not kill members
who make life hell for others by complaining about
their health all the time – well, logically, this is what
the wonderful medical establishment is doing; if you

Can’t cure them, kill & bury them, hoping to remove
those genes from human genome pool, nobody with
those kind of complaints should spread the mind fog,
aches & words of protest against the physical mess

In which they exist, are silenced by legal substances:
I thank Lyrica for worsening my allergy symptoms to
the point of my blacking out while standing upright; I
prefer death to living with the negative personality

And lack of self-expression I’ve failed to overcome
through years of mental neglect….

[Wednesday 14 June 2017]

*****************

 

INTERNET:

Lyrica side effect: BLACKING OUT WHILE STANDING UP and falling to the floor; waking up just in time to save my fall. But experienced many blackouts that ended up with me on the floor. Sometimes no injuries, another time hit my head on the side of the bathtub after falling to my knees. I broke my arm falling in the bathroom. I have since stopped taking the Lyrica and have had no more blackouts or falls. Be careful all who venture to mix Lyrica with any drug.

********************************************

I had a work related injury and suffered from cluster headaches for 15 years. 3 rheumatologists; 2 neurologists, diagnosis of fibromyalgia as diagnosis of exclusion - they couldn't identify what caused the pain. Neurologist prescribed Lyrica, I took it for 4 years After several months on Lyrica, I experienced MEMORY LOSS, BRAIN FOG, IRRITABILITY; DEPRESSION and CONSTANT PAIN. Dr. increased Lyrica dosage; my brain activity became so stunted I thought I was going mad or experiencing dementia. I also had significant weight gain while on Lyrica. I slowly weened myself off Lyrica over 12 months. Within a couple of months I had much more clarity of thought; after about 2 years I felt more like my old self. I still have some low days but can't define whether it’s the residual Lyrica or just the pain I live with daily. I had been on the job for 37 years - worked my way up through the ranks - but had to take retirement. If I had to do it again, I wouldn't touch Lyrica - be aware of side effects - what to watch for.

The common side effects according to Lyrica’s label are:
Dizziness; Blurred vision; Weight gain; Sleepiness; Skin hypersensitivity; Difficulty concentrating; Edema (swelling of the hands or feet); Dry mouth;
[Personal experience: BLACKOUTS, MENTAL FOG, worsening ALLERGY SYMPTOMS]

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In 2005 I had a severe spinal cord injury and developed nerve damage. I was put on Lyrica and it did more damage than good. Increased dosage to 900 mg a day. I was so injured & didn’t pay attention to my CONFUSION& extreme MEMORY LOSS long and short term. Teeth started to deteriorate. I got to the point of seriously wishing to end my life. LYRICA DESTROYED MY LIFE.
SOLUTION: I am now down to 150 mg and plan next month to drop again. You cannot just stop taking it, it could be life threatening. I have a HARD TIME TALKING OR GETTING MY WORDS OUT. It can take me over an hour to write a note like this. I can’t even pizza because I can’t talk or remember in the middle of ordering. I was a professional for 35 years, now I can’t even speak – s embarrassing.

****************************************

My husband has been on Lyrica for about a year now. At first he had some numbness in his arm/legs and trouble sleeping. Now he has a lot more side effects: severe back and leg pain, CAN'T REMEMBER ANYTHING, FORGET WHAT HE'S SAYING WHILE TALKING, MOOD CHANGES, DEPRESSION, etc.

**********************************************
After taking Lyrica for about 2 months in early 2008, I showed signs of severe dementia. Even after being off the drug for 4 years, I still suffer LACK OF FOCUS & concentration & memory loss. Tests in 2011 showed RIGHT SIDE BRAIN DAMAGE MOST LIKELY DUE TO THE LYRICA.

*******************************************
I took Lyrica, 300mg for about 9 months and went suddenly DEAF IN RIGHT EAR. Withdrawal was awful experience. I phoned Pfizer in London, UK and asked if Lyrica could cause deafness, they said it WAS A RARE SIDE-EFFECT. There are NO warnings of this on the pamphlet, and my doctor had to submit a yellow form to Pfizer for dire side effects. After several visits to specialist and a hearing aid, have been told it is permanent, probably caused by NERVE DAMAGE.
**********************************************

Lyrica was prescribed to me, off label, for brachial neuritis. Had all the side effects and severe withdrawal symptoms when I stopped taking. Developed a DIVERTICULA IN MY LOWER INTESTINE REQUIRING SURGERY. Had PERSISTENT HEADACHES & EAR ACHES. MRI of brain showed small ABNORMAL BLOOD VESSEL IN FRONT LEFT PART of brain. Screwed up my career. Went from making mid 100's to 50k or less. Has been two years and still feel like Pfizer stole my life promoting a drug that was not the right treatment for me. Very frustrated when I see Lyrica commercials on TV. Stop letting the drug companies promote to patients who are not qualified for self-diagnosis and better education for the medical community on side effects and adverse events.

******************************************
Been taking lyrica for 4 or 5 years now. My teeth are rotting from the inside out too. I think an oral surgeon is what I need, the rot at the gum-line and break off.
**************************************************
I took Lyrica from 2007 until 2010. Although it did somewhat help my pain from neuropathy...I had terrible side effects. I did weird things & slept a lot. I had hallucinations but continued to take it because there was some pain relief. I noticed that while I was taking Lyrica my HEART RATE WAS VERY HIGH. In May of 2011, I had triple bypass open heart surgery. My family had to hide things from me while I was taking Lyrica because I would do stupid things. I have never done illicit drugs so I don't know what being high feels like but I would venture to say that I was high on Lyrica. I was also very DEPRESSED and at times SUICIDAL. I went off of Lyrica cold turkey...because it is so expensive and Medicare does not cover it. I am really glad that I no longer take it because I NO LONGER HALLUCINATE OR SLEEP CONSTANTLY.
*************************************
Been on Lyrica for roughly 3-4 years. During that time, I had noticeable relief from neuropathic pain. However, the side effects are incredibly bad. I had major MEMORY LOSS (SHORT-TERM), DIFFICULTLY CONCENTRATING, severe DEPRESSION, and MOOD CHANGES (ANGER, agitation without relevant cause). It got so bad that even I knew I wasn't myself - my wife became increasingly concerned. My MEMORY GOT SO BAD that I would leave the house to drive a half mile to get something, and I'd have to call me wife after 2 minutes to ask her where I was going and what I was getting. Never before was I remotely like this!
I obviously had to stop taking it, as it was becoming impossible to properly function, and the PAIN RELIEF WAS NOT WORTH THE SIDE-EFFECTS! I made some major mistakes on work presentations, and could easily have lost my job.
I had anticipated that my memory would return. It has NOT. CONCENTRATION HAS IMPROVED, but short term memory is terrible. I never had these issues before. I am 50, not 85. I can walk into a room with an important matter, walk 5 feet more and forget. I have to write down and DOCUMENT EVERYTHING to do my job properly, and record my notes. I no longer trust my memory.
I have now been off Lyrica for about 5 months, so there is no reason for this to still occur, but I know that these are Lyrica side-effects.
**********************************************

Lyrica - managing pain, it can be good - BUT comes at the price of DESTROYING YOUR BRAIN ACTIVITY. The side effects WILL hit. It's just a matter of when, NOT if. A few side effects thousands have dealt with: MEMORY LOSS, BRAIN FOG, EMOTIONAL DETACHMENT, total LACK OF MOTIVATION, IRRITABILITY, RECLUSIVITY, IRRATIONALITY, INABILITY To FEEL LOVE, suicidal ideation, ANEMIA, INTESTINAL problems, numbness and tingling, PHYSICAL INSTABILITY, DOUBLE VISION, etc. The side effects accumulate slowly so we do not connect them with the Lyrica. It is more addictive than MDs realize, and hell to wean off of it. Must be titrated down SLOWLY. LYRICA NOW COMES WITH SEVERE WARNING LABELS IN SOME COUNTRIES. There are Support Groups for those whose lives have been nearly destroyed by Lyrica.

*********************************************

It felt like I was going to SEIZE. My mind felt ELECTRICAL JOLTS going through it. Pain in my body unbearable.
I've gotten the dose down to 200mg and going to quit. About three weeks ago, I started BLACKING OUT. I would just FAINT and Catch Myself Right before striking my head on something.

Dis-Awareness [Rev]

We’re weaving in & out the horizontal physical world from
pinpoint-moments of dis-awareness in the here and now
thus moving into long, vertically extending experiences of
unknown, unlimited duration, & afterwards we return to the
micro-second just after we left - and alas - in that pinpoint,
-moving-out-of-the body experience, my cup of soup fell &
broke, hot soup burning me – this interesting explanation

Is based on Seth’s declaration that awareness turns a full
360-degrees all the time, consciousness is an interrupted
stream only briefly focused within this reality - the rest of
the time it’s focused in other dimensions intersecting our
reality at every degree - thus we are focused here only 1
moment within every 360 degrees, therefore some of us
have a strange feeling of confusion as logic and numbers

Don't add up, out of synch with mundane events as time
and space intersect and other forms of awareness share
the airwaves with us - why can’t we be at more than one
place at the same time and why can’t we fly and do time-
travelling – though physicists say we ARE time-travelling
while existing within our personal universes which meet
then split, carrying us in as many different directions

As there are conscious perspectives…

Little Menace

A mangled Phantom, my face on the left a
scrunched mess & left ear a wildly exploding
with sensations exquisite in their indefinable
effect of disconcerting itchiness, seems like
a big balloon deployed inside my ear moving
hearing aside & only the itchiness remains

It’s a low-level, unstable infection, rising and
sinking just keeping out of sight - now that I
have described the little menace to myself,
fear is gone & I become happy and content,
satisfied with my infection hoping it will bring
me more opportunity to interact with others

Leading away from the ancient cheques and
old balance states I have to translate - it’s a
satisfying job but leaves room for dreaming
of meeting interesting people and going to
new places and finding exciting new faces…

[Tuesday 6 June 2017]