All Our Dreams

Longing for a state of mind, not for a place
and time, I am surprised – Terry Pratchett
said that – every aspect of reality is meant
to evoke a state of mind

Every place gives rise to feelings, I was
flabbergasted as a child to look on ugly
industrial places because they evoked
sadness and pain

Overcome by being part of a family existing
in cynical disillusionment where respect was
an unknown concept, then you taught me the
value of making choices

When we know the consequences of every decision
and thought - I found dignity and peace in your care
you are a fortress, a safe refuge, when I look at the
bright butterflies flirting through life

I realize I cannot join them, freedom means danger
and loneliness, long quests without any guarantee of
success, but when this life is over, my spirit shall
discover non-physical dimensions

Where we shall experience new forms of consciousness
we need not incarnate on earth, we can journey into
alternative realities where all possible probabilities
are realised

Where all our dreams are waiting to come alive…

Warmth And Delight

Tiaan came home with a yearbook
glossy, big, as thick as a telephone
directory, his smiling face next to his
prize-winning essay

No photograph next to his science project
if only they had made it less glamorous, more
legible, I would have been able to read without
pain – shiny A4 pages

I am so proud of that smiling face, the story of
murder and revenge that he cooked up - made
me think of my own matric essay, repeating the
themes I loved so much

And my matric speech; did not prepare - simply told
my teacher about my love for Russia and all the
dreams I cherished about it – today I still fear
the smallness of reality, the cold

Seeking warmth and delight in dreams - like I did
when I was small…

Ek Moes Nooit

My geliefde skrywerpredikant het dit mis
as hy dink dat ons gunsteling tintelende
troetelsondes ons vreugde bring, Bitterals
is reg wanneer hy sê dat ons die sondes
wat ons doen nie eens geniet nie, ons is
net vasgevang in rituele roetines van on-
heilswerke en wonder daarna wat ons
nou weer besiel het

Ek is altyd nuuskierig en wil elke sonde
darem een keer uit probeer, sekere sondes
laat so ‘n bitter nasmaak ek is kwaad vir
myself en besluit om nooit weer so voor
op die wa te wees nie, dis baie lekkerder
om die smal pad te bewandel as om langs
die breë weg af te gly na die hel van
selfkastyding

Die beste is ek het dit nie geniet nie, ek kon
liewer my boek gelees het, dis baie beter om
te sien hoe ander siele hulle troetelsondes
geniet as om my eie tyd te mors, omdat ek
vasgevang voel tussen die duiwel en die diep
blou see hardloop ek vir myself weg - maar
die selfverwyt gaan saam waar ek ookal gaan:
Ek moes nooit met my suster gestry het nie…

Heartbreak And Pain

A teenager is a being that lurks in its room, it does not
appear except to inhume its meals or carry out a certain
job imposed upon them by an irate parent who cannot
understand why parental presence is become anathema
to them

Tonight my heart is heavy when I realize it is exactly what
I did when I was that age – but I had an excuse, we lived on
a large plot of land and we had a room outside, next to the one
occupied by my brothers, yet Nici lives in the old master bedroom
of the house

Now she refuses to come out, she lurks in her room after moping
about the house complaining of being overweight when she is as
thin as a rake, Tiaan spends his time in the gym, both have to stay
at school until we pick them up at four in the afternoon, when I was
small I used to lament never seeing loved ones

Now that I am grown-up the same thing happened again, I could not
be a homemaker given my background and temperament, today they
are almost grown-up and I realize that I had spent too little time with
them – yet when we were in the situation with them being small with
voices as thin as reeds cutting through my nervous system

I did not enjoy their lovely young beings as much as I might, I only trust
that one day in the life hereinafter I shall get better acquainted with my
own kids, this earth life is not suited for that purpose at all - after school
I wanted to get life over without heartbreak and pain, never wanted
a family or entanglements

It did not work that way for me, trying to flee from all forms of life I fell
ill - today I am involved and the pain of kids growing up and dream of
leaving is breaking my heart – I could not stay on the outside; lone-
liness was killing me, better to jump in and drown in the pain than
trying to stay safe on the side

Still, I wish for the different world described by Neale Donald Walsh -
or the kind of differentiated reality so beloved by the Seth, the non-
physical personality channelled by Jane and Rob…

Sensuality in Living

Life is a sensual, emotional experience to me
and I describe what I feel, communication is
the most wonderful thing on earth, a kind
of externalised telepathy

I regard my favourite authors with adoration
as if they were mine to love and defend and I
work hard at keeping a distance between me
and other people

In order to retain my spiritual and mental freedom,
people regard those who think differently with dis-
dain - I cannot deal with perpetual censure, I offer
the world my laughter and smiles

Keep my sorrows and tears to myself and express
my feelings on paper just to let off steam and pre-
vent my thoughts and feelings from boiling over -
this does merit the esteem

Of the academia or the people who read for fun
but enables me to live my life without breaking
down - writing is a great blessing when it helps
us to survive our lives…

Incongruous

Sitting at work and reading about preparing
for death seems rather incongruous, I must
admit, yet Seth is much better company than
my document

Last night my bed was hard because I could
not fall asleep, could not offer my services to
the nightly brigade who conducts spirits about
according to Seth

But if I am so loath to teach people on earth -
why would I be interested in dealing with souls
I suppose I am not a good spirit helper in Seth’s
terms - preferring to

Find my own way and leave other people to their
own devices also, enjoy climbing the mountain in
the wrong way and falling down, learning through
own experience…

Alienation Complete

Isolation sinking into the deep, a short respite,
come up for air, a kind word, a game here and
there, trying to share the joy that we can create
when words come out to play

Yet it does not last long and down I go again, the
sharp stab of sad thoughts in my head, alienation
complete, entombed behind a wall of sensory
collapse, no brain cell operating right

No neuron firing well, ah well, I shall appreciate
feeling like a worthy human being again as soon
as this passes, sometimes once a day, sometimes
more, were I normal like everyone else

The world would have missed a depressed clown
in me and it takes all sorts to make a world, I forge
on trying to anchor my life in my document though
the impersonal lines are shortening my breaths…