Formulate New Ideals

I am overcome with a feeling nihilism on finding
I cannot access my poems on PoemHunter and
not having solved the problem with Popcornand-
jalapenos showing my poems when accessed -
it makes life seem meaningless when all that is
special to me just disappears

All that is left is to sit here and read irrelevant
messages about completely irrelevant things
in the grand scheme of life and the universe

I must make peace with my current situation to get
rid of my resistance to improvements, to marvel
because my daughter is happily in matric, capable
and emotionally mature; my son is developing high
self-esteem, plays cricket, experiments with styles

Scorpio is a super-delighted and happy Eagle in his
job as manager of IT projects, conducting a dance of
IT specialists, getting new systems to go online at the
speed of light; although he projects dark scenarios into
the future, wonderful things happen to him

I am in a warm-atmosphere office with colleagues happy
and smiling, making lists with superhuman dedication and
contentment, and although reading irrelevant things does
not come naturally to me, I have not died of boredom yet,
only my brain has churned into rotten cheese and time
stands still and dies quietly instead of moving on

I am turning into a brainless vegetable, hoping it will be to
the good, my life mission now is to make it difficult for official
criminals in high-rise offices to catch freelance petty thieves,
to see to it that letters of complaining members of public are
held up in their snail-pace movement towards long-suffering
officials in the President’s office, thus keeping their lives free
of unnecessary complaints –

But both goals hold few charms, I have reached a plateau of
dreams – there is nothing worthwhile to dream about all ideals
lose their charm; I hope for nothing because nothing seems
worthwhile, things I used to desire seem disappointing, striving
seems to be just chasing the wind as Proverbs explains

I am bored with life and don’t know how to get out of it – the
world only holds charm when my eye puts it there, if my eye
cannot allocate charm, there is nothing in it

I hope meaning-conferring ability comes back sometime so I
can have fun, in the meantime, it is time to be a Stoic soldier
completing death-marches in grey trenches, hiding my despair so
other people need not worry or suffer with me

I shall try not to use my depression to resist improvements
should any be forthcoming – I am so joyously angry that life
has PROVED I have no right to be creative by messing up
my Internet postings, it is difficult to ask for help in fixing
problems; I am resistant to solutions - it is really stupid!

I shall try to become wise, to formulate new ideals…

“Make peace with your current situation, list the positive aspects
of it, then release your resistance to the improvements waiting
for you. If you rail against injustices, you are in vibrational
alignment with what you do not want and you cannot
move towards improvement.”