Diary Notes

Porcelain Doll 2011/05/26

Our porcelain doll is coming home, you will
direct the ambulance but I can’t take leave –
though I’ll be there as soon as I can, and a
nurse to clean her wounds each day, Nici in
charge officially as I am typically a casualty
on seeing blood

Carine’s home-coming after four weeks in
casualty, you organised an ambulance to
bring her, precious eyes bright, she and I
will watch Wall-E – slowly – you tell me
calm down – please, may the iron pegs in
her leg not cause pain –

Let us take good care of her, let her find
joy in life, let us show unconditional love,
let us be a joyful family again…


The Very Best 2011/05/29

Learnt orthopaedic surgeons are mechanics who
hammer in steel pens, leaving wound care to nurses
and lesser beings, Annelise, an old school friend, a
nurse who does house calls, came and doctored the
wounds, ripped off the hard fabricated shoe so we
could tend to Carine’s left leg

Declared the wounds beautiful, no infection, Carine
teaching others her philosophy of accepting Nico’s
death, house ringing with voices, ceaseless activity,
Carine needs help to the bathroom, something to eat,
cream applied, I wash dishes in between, Nici and
Tiaan share their views of me

Their serial killer mother out to get them, Tiaan says
I drive like a maniac, throws his bleeding body in the
street, rejoicing as he expires, Nici says I am a terror
who appropriated her boots without asking, Carine
my staunch supporter who refutes their lies, the sun
shining, Estelle visiting, two babies

Jannie talking to Martin, all warmth and beauty, her
boss Koenraad, Leanka and Caylin wearing a crystal
necklace - I am so blessed, the mother of children
who chose to live, thanking her guardian angels,
Carine’s biological mother, Leonie; her grandma,
Nico who always insisted on -

- The very best for Carine...


Warm Togetherness 2011/05/31

Not having a nurse Carine suffered when she
came home, no direction as to pain pills, how
many, when, anti-inflammatory medication; it
was confusion until Annelise said every four
hours, doctor claimed no pain allowed as it
would become chronic later in life

A pain pill one o’clock in the morning, another
at five, take a sponge bath in bed, walking for
exercise - still shuffling on crutches, recording
everything to stick to a routine - writing letters
to school for Nici permission to leave, Carine
reading The Philosopher’s Stone

She loves Harry Potter; watching the clock for
taking medication at the right time – bright sun
and bracing wind – warm togetherness - we
can breathe easy until the next operation,
the next spell in hospital, sharing quiet
moments together…

Budesonide – A Fragment

Mr Budesonide asked his wife, Mrs Formoterol
Fumarate Dihydrate: Would you like to use the
Symbicord Turbuhaler? No, she replied, I much
prefer Corticosteroids and Analogues in order to
write about them on Blogspot - because of that

Mr Budesonide nearly had a glucocorticosteroid,
his wife had to play an anti-inflammatory role to
calm him down, just then their son, an adrenergic
agonist who frequently causes relaxation of the
bronchodilating effect leading to pharmacokinetic

Interactions between parameters of monoproducts,
sauntered into the room, looking for his magic broom
so he could zoom into the wide blue sky flying on to
Hogwarts to join Ron, Harry and his friends….


Translation Theory – Prof Ilse Feinauer

Attended a course in Translation Theory
today and wrote this fun-piece afterwards

Spoil Her So Much

Promoted to a step-down facility, curtains green,
feels like demoted from high care to boot-camp,
tough love means Carine is forced to shuffle to
the bathroom, steel pens in her right leg, pain
as she slides off the bed

Funny smells in the room, sister explained why
Carine’s brain blocked out the accident, she must
accept her life partner is dead, Carine feeling bad,
realizing life is sad; regained small happiness when
I said she pays a high price

But she gains so much, though her leg is sore, she
learnt who her friends are, an opportunity to show we
care, becoming more noble in helping her with love –
how grateful we are that she is alive - It is YOUR party
enjoy it - her eyes lit up

- It is MY party and I shall enjoy it - she pays in pain for
her gains, she should enjoy it as we all want to spoil her
so much, happy for the chance to cherish her again…

Quite Satisfied

All in black - Nici’s boots with my tracksuit pants,
flaring like a Cossack’s, sleeveless pullover, black
cap, wishing I could dance the Russian Trepak,
stepping high in military style to the rhythms in
my earphones, a beat a step, feeling the world
reverberating to my stomping down my feet

I must have cut an impressive or incongruous
figure because one of the patrons demanded
my name from the librarian, everybody smiled,
I mysteriously replied - I am from the French
Foreign League - the librarian laughed -
marching back again, quite satisfied

With the effect of my resembling a Secret Agent,
tonight I shall march to the music playing in my
earphones down that long, unending hospital
passage to Carine’s room, putting an end to
my frustrated impatience when it takes so
many steps to reach her…

Arabic Gospel

Total freedom means I may read the Arabic Gospel
of the Infancy of the Saviour, the miracles of Jesus
Christ in his Infancy - and nobody can force me to
believe or reject it, nobody dictate what I should
make of it, I am free to conclude

This Gospel documents the visions of dreamers, de-
lighting in apparently impossible ideas, entrancing
theories of supernatural powers, making the quest
for literal truth redundant - there is no means to
prove its veracity - true believers need none

While sceptics will never accept any proof whatsoever
I am entranced by the lovely vision of the baby Jesus
lying in his cradle, telling His mother Maria He is the
Son of God; sick people cured when the water in
which He was washed, poured over them

I am captivated by image of the boy Jesus making His
clay figures of birds and sparrows fly - when He was
almost flogged, His master’s hand fell off; explaining
astronomy to a philosopher - aspects of planets,
triangular, square, sextile; course retrograde

The little boy Jesus is a bewitching phenomenon…


http://www.pseudepigrapha.com/LostBooks/infancy1.htm

“THE ARABIC GOSPEL OF THE INFANCY OF THE
SAVIOUR” With the help and favour of the Most High
we begin to write a book of the miracles of our Lord
and Master and Saviour Jesus Christ, which is called
the Gospel of the Infancy: in the peace of the Lord.
Amen.

http://www.pseudepigrapha.com/
http://www.believeallthings.com/blogroll/

Our Total Freedom

Read the philosophical question: Does something exist
if nobody is experiencing it - a Walkman playing when
nobody with earplugs is listening, illustrates it is com-
pletely irrelevant to wonder whether something exists
if it is not experienced by us

I am totally happy to believe that a superconsciousness
experiences everything real and imaginary - therefore
infinity means all possibilities, probable & improbable,
can and does exist in this and all alternative universes
that we are able to visualise

Once we accept there are no boundaries except those
we set ourselves, once we believe the rules governing
our own universe are not universally applicable – and
relativism means all experience is limited by context
and situation, therefore changing these

Means each set of circumstances is subject to its own
set of rules or could be completely free; we cannot pre-
determine the answer to every possible question, life
will always pose a mystery, a puzzle, an unending
quest - this realisation sets us free

From all limitations imposed by other minds and
external powers; we all have unlimited freedom to
decide what we admire, believe and desire, nobody
can ever prescribe or decide for us – this defines
our total freedom!

Revelations (Revised)

In retrospect and with perfect hindsight
the glue with which you fixed the spinning
rear-view mirror for perfect sight became
symbolical; we all knew what we should
have done, but then it was too late;

Repairing broken wings of my two fairies
symbolised the reuniting of Carine’s heart;
I broke the glass table top into a million bits
representing lives shattering after Nico’s
untimely tragic death;

Linah says breaking what you hold dear is a
sacrifice to save a life, I gladly cede the glass
top for Carine’s but why couldn’t we have
made one in time to prevent Nico’s fate;
his cousin Lee still cries each night,

I despaired when Carine cried yet you were so
relieved disclosing Nico’s death; you needed to
let off steam so I became a punch bag – which
kills romance; the Swami says if affected by
your anger, it means I hold anger in me too

I can’t let off steam the way you do, directing
frustrations at you or the kids because I know
you have nothing to do with what happened;
I have to swallow my ire, wish Armageddon,
a conflagration as predicted in Revelations

Point Of View

I wish I knew where my head was, maybe then
it would be easy to stare at official lines without
dreaming of becoming a new me, well-adapted,
happy and free, who can listen to machine-gun
fire voices enumerating blood-curdling facts in
a succession of explosive sounds scaring the
life out of me

Peppery-tongued duchess cheerfully explaining
how ill my brother is, relishing her descriptions
of mother’s pain attacks, not a quiet moment to
assimilate this barrage of facts - I would like to
be involved in many activities, yet whenever a
restless, uncontrolled energy starts spinning
out of control

My mind clamours for time to calm down and get
back to silence as a means to process the news -
to rewrite the script in order to emphasise positive
aspects in every event, to look at things from my
own point of view, use my own eyes to reinterpret
distorted pictures relayed by prejudiced speakers
from a threatening perspective

To replay their stories starting from the assumption
the universe is a benevolent holograph created by
intelligent energy spinning in unequalled beauty
delighting all using magnetic electricity to attract
the events they have chosen to experience…

Muscles Tightening

Carine already told Nico’s niece, Lee, she wanted
to visit her in Dubai – to get over Nico, the funeral
was some weeks ago - her subconscious knows –
she said this while hallucinating - only her ego still
has to accept this fact, her inner being has been
appraised; painful acceptance comes afterwards
as everyone knows who ever lost a loved one

Listening to incessant talking, mother in pain, the
fourth disc in her back slipped, compressed nerves,
doctor said take anti-depressants to interfere with
brain processing pain; state hospital cannot deal
with her case - from there to Carine, complaining
neck hurts, feeling uncomfortable; back to surgery
for implants in her leg, cannot eat or drink

Doctor told mother, seventy-seven, fusion of the
fourth disc cannot be done easily, should she be
paralysed eventually, surgery is an option, until
then only pain medication – Carine pulled at the
cast holding her broken neck, the nurse bound
her hands, flailing like a prisoner, release me
please; and I did, could not see her suffering

Late afternoon my progress monitored by Johnny
at DBC*, then exercises at Inch by Inch, & Tiaan
called Mom, finished playing rugby today, please
come and get me; I jumped up, got ready then he
called No problem, dad’s on his way, I went back
to the exercises - muscles tightening
around my mouth…

Spinning Dreams

Earlier Carine rejoiced about being in Italy,
hoping she would not be injured in Greece,
I agreed, said life was lovely - when we
came home I started a book for her

Covered in blue with pictures of fishes and
beaches to show the wonderful plans for
holidays and fun we are making while
she is dreaming of seeing the world -

- a polka-dot hot water bottle and glittering
paper for Mother’s Day as per my request,
a naughty fairy for sunshine on earth and
butterflies in purple for spiritual symbolism -

The real gift is Carine’s health, hearing her
voice sounding strong berating her brother
and sister, chasing us as she grows sleepy,
knowing we’ll be back

Her progress amazing, having an operation on
Tuesday to fix her shattered knee-cap, her lung
inflating again – hospital charts indicating
swelling in brain is going down

We strengthen her hope, faith and love to accept
life goes on without a special person – spinning
a web of dreams and beauty to catch her when
she has to face the reality of loss…

Happy Fantasies

Carine floating in and out of happy fantasies,
she and I in Australia, she explained, asked
me whether it was my first time abroad, pro-
mised we would go to England next; asked
to go home for the weekend

Dreamily declared Tom Cruise and his wife
came visiting, she was delighted to see them,
said we should go on a sea-side holiday, she
was going to take two weeks’ leave, adding
she felt ill, wanted to sleep

I said yes, just stay in hospital until your knee
is fixed then we shall have a jolly time at home,
all making merry with lots of laughs, she smiled
before dozing off, still holding my hand…

Blaze of Glory

The grin on the skull of the Jokers’ bike club emblem
made me cry – but when I saw the angry skull with a
rose between its awe-inspiring teeth against a gilded
background enclosed by red flames in an embroidered
design of the biker’s club Blaze of Glory

I felt victorious and grand, an emblem perfect to heal the
broken heart, bring visions of glory, the golden light of life
everlasting, taking my tears away at the funeral, all Nico’s
biker friends forming a guard of honour for his remains,
symbol of his presence, now departed from us…

Carine complains she keeps calling his cell and he does not
answer at all…

Smile At Me Again

Your stuffed bulldog tinkles, his green and
red bow repeats colours of your flowers –
a high-fashion magazine in hand; you are
already eating, we may bring sweet treats
you said immediately, condensed milk and
cookies, then fell asleep

Overjoyed I report finishing my document
before coming to see you, the pastor there
too, prayed for your health, reaffirmed our
faith –we cannot do anything now except
wait and pray you regain your strength, I
pasted stickers of fishes on your glory box

You asked me whether Nico was fine and
I truthfully replied he was sleeping, which
he is, with the angels; do not worry about
anything, just smile at me again…

Wait

Now you insist it is her right to know about her
loss, is it her right or her duty? Why won’t you
wait until the physical discomfort is less and
she can face the enormity of death

Why force the duty of ice-cold, pitch-black, blood-
curdling knowing of the loss of her loved one on
her now, give her time to adjust to her new
situation, to catch her breath

People believe it is our moral duty to know and
to suffer, you will extinguish her hope, rub salts
in wounds which are still achingly raw; pain is
our birthright, suffering our first obligation

Please leave her in peace until she has healed,
then trouble her soul with the shock of death
and loss…


[I would hit someone who brought me bad news before
I was ready for it, just so you know; so don't try
to play messenger all the time - my motto is:
"Kill the messenger!"]

A Magic Vigil (Revised)

Installed next to your bed with Nici and
the fairies to keep magic vigil, the big bay
windows aglow with silver and dove-grey
clouds almost purpled against a sapphire
sun-drenched sky

Machines flash sentinel duties above your
head, webs of tubes and cords writhe from
them, measuring, monitoring your every
breath, feeding oxygen, sugar, colourless
fluids and morphine

into drips attached to your wrist, already
black and blue from frequent piercing,
you sleep breathing deeply after everyone
came to say hello, your guardian angel
Nici holding you softly, shaking her head

at me and my fairies – I know she’s
the main fairy to visit you…

Dr Lugubrious

Dr Lugubrious sketched a scenario so sombre, a
future without hope, her knee will never improve,
brain damage, no doctor in private practice would
accept her as a patient with her multiple fractures

The lines around his mouth pointing down as if he
were about to burst into tears, cold with fear we
listened - then came another surgeon, explained
the situation, said she was stable, ready to be

Transferred to the best hospital where his good
friend Zondagh was in charge, gone the goose-
bumps of angst, went off to find this wonderful
doctor, a whiz kid, after driving up and down

Doctors conferring, a special ambulance, we en-
trusted Carine to Zonntag on a Sunday knowing
she would be all-right; he chewed while studying
her X-rays, pronounced her a good candidate

To walk normally again, no brain damage, the dire
predictions of Dr Lugubrious seemed false, nobody
knows what despondent sadness propels him to
prophesy the end for every patient

Unfortunate enough to fall under his care…

For Carine (Rev.)

I want you decked out in beautiful clothes, made
feel warm and comfortable, sung sweet songs of
spring’s promise; I’ve already told you that the
machines’ assertive beeping is singing songs of
hope and love and life

I want your hair brushed until it glows, your nails
so finely formed painted in your favourite colour,
your eyes bright and happy while you luxuriate in
a gaily decorated bed, I want your delight in
those flamboyant new pyjamas

I want you enjoying your new bedroom slippers,
hear you shouting at the dog, explaining your job
to your younger sister, calling for me to bring
you a treat, hearing your dad laughing, teasing
and joking with you

I want to take out the new soap and cream so you
can smell its perfume - knowing everything is okay,
you will be fine, your dad’s in charge, love shines
in the nurses’ smiles, everything’s under control,
we love you, love is holding onto you

We’re here for you, rest in our love, at midnight
after the accident your friends rushed to discover
your whereabouts, called us to be at your side when
you woke – an emergency room bag is packed
to dress and pamper you

I want to dry your tears and hold you tight until you
are well enough to get up and tackle life in your own
way, watching your dad watching you with
delight, everything is alright, everything
is so, so alright!