Frozen With Flowers (revised)

Sitting among flowers burning with joy
of life – even the small purple ones have
yellow hearts, orange flowers seem warm

Yet it feels as if they are frozen as I sit in
the cold, then the dream – an Ice Princess
sitting atop a glass mountain

They’re her only reminders of the real world,
a heroine and a prince will not come, for
all eternity the Princess sits among frozen

Beauty of long ago with ice-covered flowers
from when she still believed an inner world
of love could be realised by wishing for it

They are frozen tokens to keep her company,
she is happy, the ardent longing to find ideals
and fight for them have also been

Frozen with flowers...

007 As Moving Background

At least this nondescript time is lightened by a new craze
of mine: full-cream milk powder, a lifesaver, coffee tastes
like heaven, and real butter on everything, it means I eat
less meat, hope more animals will live because of this, at
present all I read is hurricane Sandy & work documents

Life would have been unbearable if it was not for a James
Bond movie series with scenes I love and hate, the TV is
left on, volume turned down to give a feeling of freedom
when seeing something interesting in passing, enjoying
007’s adventures as a moving background to my life

The more recent movies lack the theme music and cool
humour of the first Sean Connery reels, the recent films
contain scenes too bland and boring to watch - perfect
as a fantastic screen saver when life starts wounding
down and nothing remarkable is happening

Wednesday 31 October 2012

Flowing With Metred Timbre

I thought the passage of time would have sweetened
bitterness and brought you peace of mind; they’re still
yours, every single one – although no-longer in your
home nor in receipt of sure-footed guidance

You have another to care for, to give your best, reap
benefits of lessons learned; you have admiring eyes
watching every step, rooting for you and because the
reason for your loss – strong, self-confident decisions

Left little room for others to assert or insist on their
independence, the forceful aspect of which makes a
grand leader of you, an ideal person to lead the way
into the artistic future

Your loss is immense and we expect you’ll never stop
crying for them – only please take note of bounty
that life offers you, don’t ignore the friendship,
beauty and songs to be sung by you that await

Live for futures while paying homage to the past,
take hands that reach out to you, rest in grace and
welcome extended, take full draughts from the
cup of approval offered by those

Who love true creativity and know the price you paid
was too high, nothing can recompense loss of what
you loved most yet the only way to grow is through
this experience, analyse the event

And render it into your musical words flowing with
metred timbre to share what you have gained in
the most beautiful lines others have ever read…

Giant Web Of Awareness

No use joining the family, no chance to offer my
opinion on modern music, I was told to wait until
they had their say - was never given a chance to
contribute anything, fighting back by increasing
the level of noise, brought the radio into the TV
room playing Verdi Il Trovatore, the TV on with
lions’ growling, crocodiles floating ominously
alongside on Animal Planet

Thrown open windows and doors to hear the sound
of rain falling outside - an explosion of noise to help
me keep my poise and not get angry with the talking
voice that leaves no room for brain-dead morons like
me who fall silent under rebuke, let me not open my
mouth, frogs and snakes might jump out when I’m
angry - let me dream of beautiful jewels coming
out of it instead - if I wait long enough

And then express myself with more self-restraint, mean-
time the radio is playing ‘Oh no, don’t let the rain come
down’ in contrast – looked up to find the TV already in
Wildest Latin America with adorable baby crocodiles
while the adults catch giant rodents on the banks of
Lake Orinoco - Venezuela - consciousness every-
where, I shall never fear the world will end with
my death, consciousness lives in a body

Just temporarily, the world goes on because every
particle, atom and molecule participate in the giant
web of awareness…

Glitter Falling From My Hair (Revised)

Am exhausted, sat thru’ two James Bond movies
non-stop, Pierce Brosnan in ‘Goldeneye’, but only
watched intermittently as I miss Sean Connery’s
mischievous, amused smile, then ‘A View to a Kill’
with Roger Moore – too many twists in the tale,
woke when he carried the leading dame down a
ladder from a building on fire, she glued her shoes
to her feet - wore them right into a flooded mine
and out of it again

Found a program on sea life in Wild France,
lovely jellyfish – selling my soul to the devil by
watching too much TV, glitter falling from my
hair on the keyboard while typing – this morning
sprinkling my hair seemed a good idea, now I
remember a stand-up comedian complaining
about glitter falling from Christmas cards and
the irate receiver hoovering the carpet, maybe
this is too messy, even for me

It’s raining once more, a show of clouds earlier
today brought positive results; time to join the
family who’ve watched a rugby grand final, I
still think I had the best deal with 007

Superior, Amused Cool

Friday night should hold some enchantment
but when my computer at work got angry at
me and refused to send finished documents
to my colleague, Friday night lost its shine -
nothing I did afterwards got it back

Learning passé composé for the eventual test
does not hold any charm so I did not even begin,
fixing the house does not seem very inviting –
in the end I settled in front of the TV watching
anaconda’s, dingo’s, tigers and hawks

Devouring their prey – I had a choice to watch
cricket of course, just join my beloved at the big
screen TV, but this does not appeal, I only take
him a glass of wine from time to time and the
night is all mine - but it’s energy I lack

Maybe dinner should have been more than a
chocolate with nuts, egg on rye and a cup of
coffee, yet I cannot be inspired to prepare a
meal for myself, it is self-help tonight - the
others got a takeaway - fish and chips

Not an option for me at all, staying away from oily
foods means no stomach-ache, though boring it
is better than suffering - now the seal looking like
an aquatic ballerina is unmasked as a ruthless
killer; the electric eel is stunning its prey

With a high voltage shock, a polar bear takes on
walruses - I might just as well been watching a
James Bond movie, this only lacks the iconic
theme music like ‘On Her Majesty’s Secret
Service’ with George Lazenby

It was a huge disappointment – later tonight
Pierce Brosnan will entertain in ‘The World is
not enough’ - as long as they play the theme
song, the movie will be fine - without it, the
superior, amused cool is gone


[Friday Night 25 October 2012]

Head Filled With Nonsense

Reading and repeating, letting the words wash over me,
trying to make sense of long sentences containing every
thought the original author had in his head, his suspicions
about the probable crimes of the miscreant he had set
himself to prosecute:

“For undue influence or real or supposed links to a public official or equivalent
who reportedly accepted directly or indirectly advantages with a view to obtain
rights or advantages for a third party, even if justified, and undue use of public funds

AND using his position to obtain unjustified advantage for himself or a third party
to the prejudice of the administration and contravening the regulations governing
such transactions with a view to realising advantage or loss

AND the flagrant participation in abusive exploitation of a dominant position in the
internal market or a substantial part thereof and (exhaling and taking a deep breath)
complicity” – THERE, the words have washed over me over and over

And with my head filled with nonsense and legalese, my
glasses askew, scientific left halve of the brain burning in
overdrive so that I’m in very real danger to become a
statistic of spontaneous human combustion – though
my colleagues need not fear

Everything will be intact, only my smoking shoes will
indicate where I have been before the angels of mercy
took me away from this misuse of language that could
have sung the most beautiful songs…

Work Chronicles - 26 October 2012

Since taking possession of a colleague’s old
chair without armrests and attaching my very
expensive physiotherapist cushion to the back,
I’m sitting like a normal person with only two
books, one on Astrology and the other French
Grammaire, to prop up my keyboard; I keep
the high stool on which I sat for so long as a
talisman - should the problems I had come
back and I need to sit high again

We all complain we sit in the cold of the North
Pole with the air-con on freezing but as some-
one remarked, when we complain to manage-
ment, they turn the temperature colder and wait
till it is very warm, then turn it off completely and
we cannot breathe without fresh air - nor work in
the stifling heat, stoically wrapped in our blankets
and wearing woolly socks with thick-soled shoes,
not exactly fashion magazine material – yet

We are all here in the open-plan office – except
our Madame Olympia whose special enclosure,
sound-proof and separate from the rest on this
floor, is empty; we suspect she is suffering from
claustrophobia as we ourselves would if we were
to sit there, though she has her own separate
air-con and can turn it on warm while we shiver
out here – in spite of our ice-trap, we are here
and she does not even call with an excuse

The psychiatrist will probably say sensitive people
like Madame Olympia are too good to mix with
insensitive barbarians like us who can work in all
conditions – Sir Hillary would have been proud to
have us accompanying him on his trek up Mount
Everest, we would have put the all the Sherpa’s
to shame, if we were in the trenches in WW II we
would have won the war single-handedly - so it is
easy to see why Mme Olympia cannot be

Among such strong frontier officials like us!

[Work Chronicles Friday - 26 October 2012]

Dance With Nutcracker Prince

My guru recommends positive, joyous
anticipation, promising the universe is
abundant; it struck me that on October
the tenth I ordered a Nutcracker ballet
DVD with Mikhail Baryshnikov, no less,
in the leading role, and it is already the
twenty-sixth 

I had better do research as to why the
dear Mr Plaatjes in charge of my quest
has not produced the desired DVD as
yet, given that he is the hands through
which the universe will provide -- and I
am the orchestrator who said I wanted
to watch   

The Sugar Plum Fairy dance the grand
pas de deux with the Nutcracker Prince

 

The Sprites Depart Smiling

‘España, rhapsody for orchestra’ by Chabrier –
my father’s song, one day he brought home
a vinyl record with this lovely music and we
listened enraptured, afterwards played the
record over and over, never grew tired of it

The introduction is a promise of enchanting
things to come, the music an opening into a
new world, musical themes as dancing sprites
appearing and disappearing, calling on listeners
to follow, my mind leaves my body to go along

The melody tracing a spiraling dance in which
the sprites float high above the ground within
vertical circles moving forwards in a horizontal
line weaving new themes,  harder and higher
goes up while slower and lower comes down

All increasing speed to reach the ecstatic end,
a joyous last bow, my mind returns enriched
while the sprites depart smiling, all of us
breathless, satisfied with the dance that
has been...

Notes in my Journal

Made three mistakes in imparfait, wrote elle venais instead of elle venait,
she used to come to see us - watching James Bond while doing French
homework obviously was not such a good idea, wrote il mentais instead
of il mentait, he used to lie, and worst of all, elle cruvait instead of elle
croyait she used to believe, it is sacrilege to makes such crude mistakes

Yet even while berating myself I’m in front of the TV watching Roger Moore
in Octopussy, while knowing that I had to look up nous riions, we used to
laugh and vous vous habilliez, you used to dress as I still don’t know these
verbs, I cannot tear my eyes away from these old Bond films, Q fishing
in rustic clothes while Bond calmly walks about a beautiful woman at his side

They have doubled the guard watching him but an attack is already taking
place and Bond escapes by diving into the lake and getting picked up by
a motorised crocodile… fantastic, now to get back to French and watching
the vegetables steaming in the kitchen - I don’t think so, tomorrow is
another day, the film and vegetables I can do, but no more French

Later tonight I will get it right, now watching Bond stuck in circus trains and
still coming out tops takes first place, I’m afraid to say….


Notes in my Journal 24 October 2012

Homage to First Dreams

Tidying my work station I look at all the books
around me, Explication de texte by Boilly-Widmer,
containing some favourites: Le Ciel est par-dessus
le toit by Verlaine; Ballade des Dames du temps jadis
by François Villon, also

Astrology, Palmistry and Dreams by Donald Law –
though I use it to prop up my keyboard – still, it can
be read should I want to look up anything about
Astrogenetics and sun signs - even The Children’s
Encyclopedia is here - for remembrance

Childhood’s fantasies brought me here, I shall always
pay homage to the first dreams I had of being able to
speak in many tongues, and the music of the songs
my mother made us sing as toddlers – Frère Jacques
and Muss’I denn…

Tidal Waves Of Legal Lists (Revised)

We'll never get it done; every time I get ahead
with a text my desk receives another one, but

instead of worrying my guru says we should
rejoice because it means we cannot get it wrong;
Looking up terms for sentences on divulging a
criminal's secrets - in one huge explosion of self-
righteous emotion I stagger under impact of laden
lines that leave no room for contemplation or using
a grammatical compass to gets one's bearings, the

subject is quite clear then disappears under new
nouns apparently applicable to other people - or
is it nefarious deeds that are enumerated here,
the context is not clear, without framework
for interpretation I am lost and spluttering,

The world does not hold enough chocolate and -
coffee to help me ride this storm, my guru's words -
are lost in this mélee, after four cups of coffee I -
open my second chocolate for resuscitation by -
the creamy texture, the sugar and nuts that make -
me feel like a happy, counting-my-many-blessings -
human being again…

Individuals Make A Difference

I’m in heaven, all my favourite elements blending together,
Sister Act on TV, a storm building outside, interminable
reruns of James Bond free for the watching, doing French
homework l’imparfait of being as - continuing forever

The rainstorm upon us, the grass seems to magically shine
illuminated from inside, the sky opalescent, the cloud-break
and rumbling thunder interferes with the signal, no more
Sister Act for me, the grass is glowing with magic power

As the rain slacks off the images return and I am ready to be
wooed by Whoopi Goldberg and her crew – I cannot wait to
watch Timothy Dalton afterwards in License to Kill, isn't it
wonderful how two diverse movies enchant the same mind

Both films present fantasy worlds in which individuals make a
difference in their own universes where all factors are geared
to bring out the best in them, Sister Mary Clarence and James
Bond, leaving me with the strong impression that my own life

Can also hold meaning in this reality where all things conspire
to promote our lives and give us the freedom to choose how
to try making our own mark in life…

Fresh New Feeling

What a surprise to come home to a bedroom
all light and airy with the promise of perfume
exotic delight in the flowers I put everywhere,
white sequined scarf draped artistically over
one chair, the pink scarf with silver lining
decorating the other one

My Malaysia bag with shiny purple sequins,
the pink pillow and candle holders you made
from rusted iron - suddenly the atmosphere
of the room is subtly changed, the black and
silver duvet a wonderful background - I love
the fresh new feeling it brings!

Infinitive of Rire

After conjugating verbs in French class
seeking the infinitive of rire, nous riions,
but we did not laugh because we watched
a French film noire

A romantic series of pictures ending with a
lover telling his girlfriend never come back,
ne reviens pas - that is why I love you so
much, you are always loving

I feel safe with you, my youth was without
certainty and you arrived like a ship in a
storm, today I trust more people than ever
before and you taught me this

Thank you for the discipline you brought into
my bohemian existence so that I always feel
safe in an ever-changing world

Ride on Tiaan’s Bike

Went for a ride on Tiaan’s bike, the sensation of wind on my skin,
the wind sighing in my ears - only the seat is too hard, but it’s great
to ride a bike - felt so enthusiastic about life, adrenaline and self-
confidence providing inspiration to fix my room and cut my hair as
the hairdresser never does it the way I want. After jumping about and
playing around it is time to wash up and tidy the kitchen so we can
start making a mess again, preparing a late dinner as Tiaan is
working at the yoghurt place and will return rather late. Nici took
the photo of me with the safety helmet I wore for my bike ride, I
like a bicycle - but oh, to go for a spin on a fast motorbike-
holding tight as Petrus accelerates to 200 km….

Sunday 21 October 2012

Faith Overpowering Love

Unfortunately the author entertaining with her Gothic vampire
horror reached a point where the hero and his evil counterpart
became inexorably and inextricably entwined - just like Harry
Potter and Voldemort - the ending became predictable and
the sensationalism, always part of a melodramatic blowing
up of every scene while delighting in repetitions

Became a turning point for me, with the hero’s life as counter-
weight and the evil demon entering him, the story poised in a
delicate balance between the dramatic and the bizarre, crossed
the line, the overpowering descriptive adjectives and repetitions
of the same phrases overbalanced the scale on the wrong side,
though I shall remember the author’s beautiful idea:

- Faith is an overpowering Love -

Rain Messages From Him

The fitful rain makes me whimsical, outside the phosphor grass
glows with its own light, the turquoise swimming pool turns into
a jewel and the sky becomes a uniformly grey expanse, every
space is marked by perforated lines switching on and off - as
the rain keeps its fitful approach to falling softer and harder

Suddenly the sky turns into a shiny dome as the clouds allow the
sun to increase its power to silver incandescence, I put my book
down to enjoy nature’s show just for me - since we never go to
concerts, what happens in the garden holds my interest, fuels
my fantasy that the sun is my personal friend and the clouds

Bring rain as messages from him…

Sweet so I can have Peace

I feel terrible, the story I’m reading keeps me in suspense
because it does not make any sense, the unhappiness of
the characters suffering terrible passion and despair gives
me a headache, I don’t believe anyone could be so upset
without falling ill; authors always give their characters too
much to bear, I cannot imagine so much intrigue in reality
without complete physical collapse

I make things charming and sweet so I can have peace yet
still take note of what others do to break the boredom of an
ideal existence, too much safety is just as bad as too much
pain, though I am fanatically opposed to suffering, the result
is that we are enriched by the wisdom it brings and the new
perspective that grows out of it makes me see the interesting
world in a different way, variety is 

The spice of life - for me - at least...

Mad And Growing Worse

Lost sense of chronology due to food allergy, un-
balanced and feverish and irritable - awful to sit
still - as long as there is pressing work to do, it
is easier to ignore these symptoms

The quiet of Friday night makes it impossible to live
life within separate units of time, it feels as if every-
thing should be happening at once and since they can-
not given the limitations of my mind

I feel frustrated, cannot wait for events to happen in
sequence: when reading I think I should be watching
TV, when watching one thing I suspect I am missing
something important somewhere else

Or that I should have been reading an excellent book:
full circle, enough to drive one mad, and it does –
I’m mad and growing worse…


Friday Night 19 October 2012

Erased Without A Sound

Oh, woe is me, let all lament terrible destiny,
the awful fate encountered as I was doing my
duty: A sudden drop in blood sugar levels and
I cannot carry on with my lovely document, a
real challenge for innovation and wit, digging
into the past to find its equivalent - applying
it without forgetting to change pronouns and
verbs, past and present continuous tense

All things that my supervisor will check with
a terrible painstakingly scourging eye, but I
have to run - buy chocolate to lift me out of
this blood sugar slump, when there is work
I can do and this evil animal gets me in its
grip it is clear that life is not fair – yet who
wants it to be, being fair might just mean
all little people like me would be erased

Without a sound in the end - no, let me get
at a chocolate and be glad for all the undue
privileges we all enjoy!

Exemplary And Lavish Extravagance

Aaah, Madame La Pompadour needs time off
from the office they had built her, soundproof,
air-con, and everything she wants inside, today
she plays chauffeur to the children in her neigh-
bourhood and visiting her mother in the old-age
home - she condescendingly told us - though
there is really no need why we should know
where she is, she is the free incumbent

Madame La Pompadour suffers agoraphobia
at home and claustrophobia in the office, her
problems are debilitating; she needs a bigger
office of course, with user-friendly interior
decorating - I sigh in admiration, such a very
exemplary and lavish extravagance, with the
cool presumption that a James Bond would
envy her, she does what she wants

Madame La Pompadour looks down on the
mundane civil servants - us - who man the
open-plan office, why should she earn her
salary like a slave when she gets it without
ever leaving her house?

The Awful Dance (Revised)

I changed into a road-hog today, became guilty
when a black car swept into the right lane where
I drove peacefully in a Zen trance – then slowed,
other cars passed on the left, this unleashed my
anger and when the miscreant car signalled left
I accelerated to pass and guess what: the pest
turned back right in front of me

After repeating the awful dance, me trying to
overtake on the gravelly roadside, fury made
me blind, finally it left and I ended up seething
behind a slow bus and swerved right in front of
a frowning lady driving a white monstrosity who
hooted at me, I waved in apology but her frown
stayed frozen in place, I sighed - the ugly black
car had ruined my peaceful identity…

Beings Existing In Visions

Reading on while my inner Agony Aunt rants again:  the
style is pure melodrama, the descriptions and the minutia
of noticing every aspect of every face - the oversensitive
reactions, if we lived like that we’d be fatigued spending
our energy being conscious of people and the adolescent
conviction that a love will endure forever – I know better

Irrational youngsters unaware how lack of understanding
and bad communication destroy the loves we harbour in-
side, the story only shows young people living in the throb
of the moment but ignorant of the facts of life, I stifle the
voice of my Agony Aunt - dive into the action again, after
expressing her concerns she falls silent; I live the fantasy

The child within me refuses to heed realism, preferring to
enter a trance and enjoy the romance as only the very in-
experienced can - I give in to this delightful feeling and
ignore the complaints from my rational mind, it is ever so
enjoyable to follow my heart, besides, I’m always willing
to pay the price when I transgress, crying afterwards

As long as I accept the inevitable punishment I shall be
free to enter the Wonderland, see the bizarre and follow
the burlesque where my soul finds strange new ideas
and delights in the dream of eternal love – I shall pay
whatever the cost to share in the vision of such
heavenly beings only existing in visions

My Idea Of Bliss

Explained to my colleague my idea of bliss, giving
up meat, finding the taste revolting, eating butter
on rye crackerbread and drinking milk powder in
coffee - she frowned and told me this would be
fattening, I would grow as round as the earth

Yet before doing this I ate the right food on my
husband’s safe food list and had to watch my
widening girth; now I don’t fear the enemy in
butter and milk, as long as I have no hunger
pains to plague me all day, no headaches

No allergy symptoms at play, I am content to
leave the meat on my plate, if turning into a
vegetarian is the next step in healing from
aches and pains, I shall rejoice, eating
creatures with higher consciousness

Just seems so wrong - I’m holding thumbs
this healing goes on…

An Eternal Étudiante

Ah, tiara on my head, approved by my colleagues
I opened an SMS to be informed our class has been
cancelled for this afternoon, now doing sentences
we would have done in class but there is no joy, one
needs an enthusiastic trainer to suffer repetition of
grammar rules in meaningless sentences

The only fun I have is to change my name and address
in an application to become an actress - comédienne -
yet I could never could be one, when strangers look at
me I sprout horns and turn into a hunchback – I might
get a role as the Hunchback of Notre Dame but this is
hardly something on which I wish to base my fame

So I shall remain a traductrice, an eternal étudiante

“traductrice”  = translator
“étudiante” = student

Dreams I Had As A Child

Hastily swallowing delicious coffee, tiara
on my head to play at being a Shadowhunter
before leaving for class, you probably wonder
what a tiara has to do with a series on vampires
and Shadowhunters, my reply is that the culture
espoused by the author , of beautiful shimmery
clothes, Isabelle’s evening dress and the wedding
gown on the Internet based on Nephilim fashions,
reflects the dreams I had as a child, wearing wide
Marie Antoinette skirts with a small bodice, so let
me play my games in peace, I am a child at heart
always reacting with wonderment when authors
succeed in reaching a dreamy new universe…

Mould Lines The Way You Do

When I sing your praises and you sternly
admonish me saying you are not as good
a poet as I profess, I am glad - humility is
the greatest asset and only so will you
continue to learn and grow

You will have to take my praise in your
stride because I cannot stop effusing
about the way you write enticing lines,
it is a test of character as it is difficult to
keep calm when compliments

Keep flowing in - you first spoiled me by
seeing something in what I write and now
it is my turn to explain how the songs you
sing sway my head and make me wish to
clear my voice to sing

In the same beautiful key, to mould lines
the way you do until the final product is
straight and true

Driving To Work (Revised)

Took a scenic route to look at jacarandas
in bloom - sadly their purple was stripped
by last night's rain, stuck behind a slow-
moving police van, no chance to play Grand
Prix again

Next time I'll keep to the highway, people
claim they see deer and giraffes in the
sanctuary next to the road, I would love
to see any but am always racing - it'd be
so such fun

Currently I have to watch other cars with
a hawk's eye after a crash yesterday, two
drivers not looking at a roundabout went
for the same spot, now I glare at drivers
with laser eyes

To make sure they are clear before I drive
off; I love my little Suzuki too much to take
any unwarranted risks' - speeding only on a
straight stretch of road is allowed in my
history book

Pretoria 17 October 2012

The New Tiara

Inspired I tried out the new tiara I bought
at the Chinese shop – yes you guessed right,
it is a shiny Alice band and changes me into
a Shadowhunter immediately, carefully I put
it aside, tomorrow I shall be a Shadowhunter
again, but only at work where nobody knows
these wonderful books, as long as the dream
stays in my heart and I can fabricate symbols
from small, cheap little things, even my drawer
is neat, I had to live up to my new dream, it is
such fun to use my consciousness to contain
the playful worlds found in books where they
cannot cause harm  - my tiara is waiting for
me, tomorrow the play starts again…

Breaking Rules For Love

Waiting for the glory of the Vampire book at home
in which Shadowhunters live in glittering cities only
reached through secret portals, add a heroine who
has the ability to create powerful runes that give
her unheard-of power

Also add an evil clan of power-mad governors and
the recipe is perfect to delight, the debate between
choosing for justice and breaking the rules for love
continues unabated, when the cherished friend of
the hero’s beloved is threatened

Our hero is ready to lie down his life, the heroine
runs around havoc following in her wake, every-
one trying to keep her safe - taxed to the end of
their endurance, her childhood friend kept from
death by the one who stole her heart

The moral crisis is fascinating and the action is
non-stop - I am breathless while reading – my
world gone, my spirit roaming in the storybook
universe, no phenomenological experience can
keep my heart chained while I’m reading

Later comes the trauma of the book ending, it
will feel as if my heart contracts painfully, but
dealing with this loss has been the story of my
life, every new book in my hands leads to yet
another heartbreak in the end

Yet I cannot stay in the small reality within which
the five senses keep us imprisoned - my whole
being yearns for those unseen landscapes of the
mind forever invisible to our physical eyes -
the dream is everything

Melodies Without Sound (Revision)

The first time I was asked for my ideal I said To
become Faust and learn everything there is; by
dramatic phrasing I meant being a student for-
ever- she derisively replied, Get real child, what
a pretentious ideal - I was deeply mortified

Studied philosophy, science, quantum physics and
relativism, wondered about astronomy; astrology
explained the characters we deal with in life; read
everything that evoked my curiosity, unsure where
the quest would lead - the joy of doing it an end in
itself - and while stimulating discussion is limited

I write to clarify emotional problems, practise the
art of expression and learn to use sonorous words
to create melodies without sound, learning from
the poet I most admire because - HIS  poetry
sings at all times

Multifarious Perspectives

After this wild ride on the waves of emotion and passion
I can hear my second and third thoughts again, I can see
the multifarious perspectives and angles and questions
involved, the authors use illusions to present the choices
to young readers

Choose, your life or your love, your love’s favourite or
yourself, choose whether you are willing to sacrifice
yourself on behalf of your love, quietly serving behind
the scenes – and the result of these choices are enacted
for us, now I feel enriched

By these glamorous stories of valour and courage which
are emphasised in defeating attacks by demon powers –
and in deciphering the deception within the powers-that-be
trying to formulate a life-strategy, making sense of the
chaos our senses discern

In the magical world around us…

We All Choose Love

I told my beloved of the books I read
and my perspective changed, all of a
sudden I could see beyond the fantasy
and imaginary beings into the values
highlighted by this enriching addition
to the bedrock of reality underneath

The wonderful principles of loyalty to
family and integrity - being honest to
all loved ones, the age-old dilemma
of balancing honesty with protection
and commitment, the issue of trust
lost or won, and I had to smile at

My inner Agony Aunt who looks down
on fairytales,  while my inner Alice-in
Wonderland who looks at everything
in oblique lines, was joyously involved
in the Morality Play of ethical values
in the soul-searching questions of

What truths to convey and what to hide
in an attempt to make people safe, and
the highest sacrifices made, the laying
down of life in the protection of things
and people cherished by those we love
questioning what is most important

Whether there are things we can love
more than life itself, the people we love
and their well-being and ease- or our 
own safety, and we all know what the
answer to that is: We all cherish the
things we take delight in more than

Plain physical existence, alone and
bereft, cynical and bitter, we conclude
making wrong choices changes life into
torture and the comedy turns into a full-
scale tragedy, therefore we all choose
what will make us happy in the role

We are playing in life, we all choose love…

In The Light of a Dream

 After such a mad dash through the
minutiae of adrenaline-driven reactions
in a fantasy world seen from a teenage
perspective – and denied the pleasure
of reading book 3 as my daughter is
still busy with it

I am left with ashes, the fires of the
characters’ play-house emotions burnt
out leaving the reader with nothing to
take on our various versions of Pilgrim’s
Progress, the excessively handsome
protagonists gone

Their artificial emotions in response to angels
and demons in conflict, their superficial life-
threatening injuries which heal immediately
showing no correlation with reality - left no
imprint on my psyche, wrought no changes
in my ideas and feelings

No catharsis experienced, a meaningless
romp through an imaginary world where
the storybook interactions of the super-
human characters are woven through
the tale like a silver chord shining in
the limelight of adjectives

The theatrical effect adorned with strobe
lights and applause and afterwards there
is nothing to take along, nothing changed
in my world view – since my purpose is to
understand society’s shortcomings and
finding ways to change these

I resume my quest albeit with a sigh, escapism
is such an addictive drug, such a wonderful
thing, a moment of repose in the light of a
dream for which there is always space
according to quantum physics with its
postulate of infinities

Words Which Hold Me Captive

Told Nici I had finished the first book, with starry eyes
she brought the second volume also, I have almost
finished the third one too, she said, and I could not
withstand the charm of this series written for teens,
beautifully sculpted to keep readers on tenterhooks
as hero and heroine were driven apart
 
Unwillingly at first, trying to withstand its spell, I began
to read, was sucked deep into the story world, every-
thing disappeared and I read until the second book
came to a discordant end, threatening tragedy, I would
have to read the third book also, no stopping this lovely
sheath of dreams from carrying my spirit away
 
No realism can penetrate or dispel the beautiful illusion
or destroy the magic words which hold me captive –
and I am such a willing victim….

Cross-Eyed And Overwhelmed (Revised)

The story unfolds in one thin line, only sarcasm
of teen characters interesting; without philosophy,
great similes or striking passages requiring notes,
focus unilaterally on being a young protagonist
and her Barbie-doll stream of consciousness

Oee, she felt so angry and oh, her heart beating
and ooooh, her breath racing and he looked liked
that and did something brave; after reading this by
order of my daughter to intensify her joy & showing
willingness to support her in her latest undertaking
I felt like a wet rag, brain reduced to a pulp
Eyes out of focus, the image of screen heroines
flashing in front of my eyes with the leading lady’s
lipstick immaculate, her lips fluttering like butterfly
wings – see what I mean, this style has gotten to
me – my daughter runs about with stars in her
eyes, already bringing me volume 2 since

I have finished volume 1 in record time, I laugh
at her delight and evident satisfaction, but defer
the comic-strip enjoyment till tomorrow – there
is only so much I can take, the fast-moving story
completely obliterates my second and third voice
and puts my mind in a hypnotic state

I cannot walk straight, am cross-eyed and
overwhelmed by the thin line action takes,
a laser beam in a one-dimensional universe….

Enfold In Her Cool Caress

Today I did not feel guilty for being me,
for every idiosyncrasy, for every dream
and vision I cherished in the face of all
the demands to the contrary, requiring
ice-cold sang-froid and an eye diligently
kept on all the scary events in reality
 
I did not look at a newspaper to enjoy
feeling threatened by news events, I
looked at the sky instead and saw a
beautiful pantomime in the clouds, the
sun led a colourful, though coy, dance
in which he frequently ran away
 
Leaving his subjects forlorn in the grey,
whenever he showed his laughing rays
I rejoiced in the world born anew – and
suddenly the sky remained overcast and
it looked like rain, the perfect ending to the
perfect day, the sun willingly gave up
 
The sceptre allowing the clouds to take
control of the air, their promise palpable,
the approach of the rain queen and her
exciting dance that would change the face
of the land, she will spread her grey mantle
 
And enfold all in her cool caress while
dancing raindrops will splash down
everywhere...

 

 

Infinitely

Look into the mirror of my affection
and you will see how worthy you are,
my Beloved, look at the handsome
reflection on the shimmering surface
of the glittering waters flowing with
infinite love to see your own goodness
looking back at you and know this is
how much I love you: Infinitely

Lilting In Silver Notes (Revised)

Soft and pliable, smile so gloriously
open to all, a melody lilting in silver
delight and golden sigh, rays of
magical light reaching all

Everything reflecting the golden shine:
brown as a rich treacle and white as
molten gold, black steadfast as back-
ground to offset all other colours

Changing water drops into diamond
tiaras and pearls, lightly the joyous
melody sang on, carried on dancing
feet never touching the ground

Filling open hearts, smoothing ruffled
minds, delighting as peace spread
over the land, tempests becalmed
for a sacred moment of time

As every heart paused to experience
the wonder that lifted their feet so
they felt free at last, waking up
afterwards with new memories

Of joy, longing to stay within the
glory that had been, convinced
someday they will hold onto it
until it fills

The emptiness within

Adding Butter to my Coffee

I am considering adding butter to my coffee to see what it
tastes like, have been dreaming of a Tibetan Lama adding
yak butter to tea traditionally, maybe the added goodness of
vitamin A and K would change an ordinary drink into something
nourishing - why wait and hesitate, why wonder whether it can work

I shall run down to the kitchen and put my plan into action, I have
done enough French revision without being able to access the
memory stick that was given to me, instead of fretting and
feeling guilty I shall make haste to try my new idea, adding
butter to make coffee less threatening to our health…
 
Diary Notes Tuesday 9 October 2012

Vastly Different Horizons (Revised)

The little doll I bought yesterday was
too dull so I bought sunshine dollops,
beautiful yellow flowers, everybody
immediately begs me for them

Added these to the right side of my screen
yellow and purple delight; smeared butter,
healthy and rich in vitamins, on a Crunchie
bar, yellow honeycomb inside

My French Révision text shining yellow
also– insidiously gold is taking control of
my life, I can’t abide rose pink, disturbs
the golden vision of my other flowers

And the two dolls turn away from each
other – like my sister and I – one mind
focused on vastly different horizons
in order to weave a lovely life…

Stories Affect My Vision

This is funny but very stupid – after reading Dodger by Pratchett
till three in the morning I spent a lovely day of utter bliss carried
on the sparkling perspective of the characters, Sunday night we
watched Scream 3 before I had to go out in the night to collect my
son from where he works and suddenly the world looked scary to
me, the garden gate refused to unlock and I forced it open
 
Boxed in between two cars I felt uneasy, dissonant music played on
the radio and a pastor doomed all to hell, when I stopped so my son
could get in the car refused to unlock, I had to switch off and unlock
with the electronic key: this is madness – allowing external events to
determine my life, now I shall stick with safe movies, no more junk
because my eyes create the world I see and stories affect my vision
 
Only great stories of victory like Dodger for me!


"Dodger" Latest novel by Terry Pratchett

A Dialogue – Michelle and Crocodile

The Crocodile:
Thanks a million – see why I married the Crocodile King?
He always introduces me to the most wonderful people…
 
Michelle:
Madam, I think that this must be in the lower echelons
of the endless list of reasons you married Sir Gentleman
 
The Crocodile: 
Perchance, maybe not the first reason, forsooth, but surely
it doth form part of the celestial aura of said marvellous specimen…
 
Michelle:
Marry, Madam, methinks thou art besotted!
 
The Crocodile:
Nay, indeed, besotted not, just very much alert
to the role of fate and chance and every human trickery;
thankful that I didst not submit to the general chicanery
that lead men astray when yonder stars determine destiny…

 

5 October 2012

Back To Basics 04/10/2012

Back to basics – counting in French, listening to recordings
of voices counting me to death, I dug up a 5^th edition Basic
Conversational French, p 66, Cardinal numbers, looked at
the keys – 11 to 16 with ZE – onze douze treize quatorze
quinze seize; 30 to 60 with TE - trente quarante cinquante
soixante, 70 is sixty plus ten - soixante-dix, 80 is 4 times 20
= quatre-vingts, 90 is 4 times 20 plus ten = quatre-vingt-dix

Just seeing this gives me the shivers, reading it aloud to get
used to the sound is terrible, I remember being a freshman
at university sitting with my book repeating this endlessly
until I could do Dictée – but today the object of the lesson
is to teach diplomatic staff to get around in France and as
I am not going there, learning this only serves the purpose  
of passing the time, in the end I’m better off reading Mars
and Venus by John Gray explaining why men and women
cannot get along, talking about martyrs

Well, there you go, I’m a martyr to my cause, peace in the
home, now it seems I have sold my soul – with that blasted
soul gone I have nothing with which to go on, no wonder
I feel so bad, being only a shell of my former self – I hope
my soul has fun in its wanderings because I seem to have
lost the ability to have fun myself, repeating the same
things without any hope of ever using these skills

Basic Conversational French, 5^th edition, Harris &
Lévêque,  p 66

4 October 2012

Holy Restraint (Revised)

No Heisenbergian uncertainty today,

to prevent existential upset at having
to choose between eating or starving:
deliberately left my purse at home

Hunger assured, coffee with sweetener,
green tea - a packet of instant soup lite -
one rice cake, the rest up to Providence,
time to exercise spiritual muscles

My stomach is notoriously material and
gluttonous, no amount of praise for holy
restraint ever deterred my intestines from
hefty complaint when I try to forgo food

Today I’m hopefully doing penance for
multiple sins, steering clear of the worst
in covetousness watching my colleagues
feasting on biscuits and fruit…

How Shall I Escape

Allergy symptoms, eyes skew, world upside
down everyone I know is gone, only empty
shells of ourselves left, the iron clamp on my
Hail Mary head still tightening-mea culpa-oh
yes I know full well something is wrong with
my vibrational skills I attract problems like a
magnet today, every choice made is wrought
with great danger-although what will happen
next is Heisenbergian uncertainty
 
I suspect it will continue the pattern of Unheil
und schmerzhafte Leidenschaft*  - my early
morning attempt to change life into a lovely
safe place exploded and now I am lost at my
desk, the iron clamp tightening, tightening,
tightening still - and how shall I make my
escape - get a cup of coffee and regard
the world through a caffeine-induced
clearer eye?

 

*painful passion  

Dark Purple Cloud (Revised)

Charging the robot, waiting impatiently to
practice my Grand Prix skills – deriving
no real joy from overtaking a few listless
motorists – swerving around a big truck,
arrived at work amazingly enough in one
piece albeit wondering why it felt like I
was caught in a dark hole with no escape
 
Walked into the brightness outside – to
my shocked surprise the cash machine
turned into a troll and ate my card –
called the magic number immediately to
cancel gobbled-up credit – numbed in
shock returned to my work station so
traumatised, shared my distress with
soothing colleagues who,

On commiserating with my dilemma,
recommended horse liniment for the
lump on my leg – I am still wondering
why I cannot escape the dark purple
cloud with thunder and lightning that
follows me wherever I go