Heroes Small Enough [REVISED]

A new James Bond film Skyfall surprised & inspired me,
I thought Daniel Craig could only play in terribly violent
films of the series - wrong, in this instalment he showed
devotion to duty & his stern boss, stiff-upper-lip lady M

Concepts of values, devotion to fatherland & loyalty to
principle always quicken my blood, make my heart beat
faster, confer meaning to life; having read of destitute
families after fire destroyed their homes and seeing

A TV program about a little Chinese girl with fatal, and
inoperable facial melanoma life was so sad - but James
Bond took care of it, watching 007’s adventures I feel
inspired to make a difference in my colleagues lives

I must confess Mandela’s life makes me feel devotional
& pious, but it is is too holy to inspire me; I feel small,
insignificant when confronted with forgiveness he showed
his jailers - I don’t see anyone following his example

Enemies still fight each other; yet James Bond holding
lady M as she lay dying, both remaining faithful to their
country in opposing the enemy agent trying to kill them
creates fiction enough to replace despair I feel seeing

Unconquerable, otherworldly morality set by a saintly
Nelson Mandela. Thank goodness for heroes small
enough to capture the fancy of us little people who
cannot forgive our enemies the way Mandela did

There Might Be [REVISED]

When I explained why I could not follow my colleagues’
conversation you pointed out they were right and I was
wrong; it made me glad you’re as normal as they - and
sad I wasn’t like you or them, but so it is, precisely

And why should I expect your understanding, I married
you because you were normal - and thus it ground me
to earth - frequently I’ve said I could never survive with
someone like me. Regrettably you don’t think my

Weirdness brings much to you & yours - another thing
I have to accept, plus being outsider to normals who
routinely take charge of everything – oh well, maybe
in heaven* there might be a place for me

[*heaven = any other place but this earth]

[26 December 2013]

New Hostilities [REVISED]

You watch reality TV, British celebrities illustrating
their own Christmas dishes while I want to watch
fantasy movies with tinkling glass dolls animating,
failed magicians saving others by illusions, robots
helping old men with heists

Then you tell me off in strident terms for eating
forbidden bread - today’s happy, floating feeling
completely flees, the atmosphere changes, we’re
worlds apart - my glittering snowflakes and nativity
scene are banished from the main sitting room:

Snowflakes and sheep and baby Jesus covered
in gold - the results of my more zealous phase,
we’re smothered in disappointment by these new
hostilities, you watch your reality TV and I’ll live in
my preferred fantasy world…
[24 December 2013]


[ORIGINAL:]

You watch reality TV, British celebrities illustrating
their own Christmas dishes, I want to watch fantasy
movies with tinkling glass dolls coming alive, failed
magicians saving others using illusions, robots to
help old men with heists

After you told me off in strident terms for eating the
forbidden bread the atmosphere changed, the happy
feeling floating me through the day completely went
away, we are worlds apart - my glittering snowflakes
and nativity scene banished from

The main sitting room: snowflakes and sheep and baby
Jesus covered in gold - the result of my more zealous
phase,  disappointment with the new hostilities, you
watch your reality TV and I watch my fantasy…

[24 December 2013]

More Of A Saint

After two weeks of steeping myself in Mandelalore - I watched
until the channel broadcasting his life closed down - I’m so struck
with the miracle that played itself out, I’m speechless – and can’t
write any more. To contemplate the liars who concocted racial
segregation and sold it under Biblical justification and separate
but – and here’s the biggest lie of the century – but EQUAL
opportunities; and the foolish voting public who accepted the
lie without questioning it – makes me furious; angry at myself
as I never felt interested in politics and did not know that
those evil politicians were dishonest to the Nth degree.
 
Then comes the miracle: how everything they threw at Nelson
Mandela to kill his spirit and obliterate his name from the world’s
consciousness, made him stronger and nobler and increased the
world’s interest until the day he walked free and behaved so saintly,
it charmed everyone, from trusting children to other evil politicians,
beyond description. And I feel cheated when I see his smile and the
little jiggle he gave when others danced, because I never got the
chance to see him. Not meet him, too many were in line – only
see him; that would have been enough.
 
Mandela’s fixation on his one goal, freedom for his people and a JUST
dispensation in his country, enabled him to overcome all hatred for his
jailers. His determination to understand his enemy led to his studying a
new language and read their history and literature – in the end he knew
more about them than Afrikaners know about themselves. His endeavours
brought about something never encountered in fiction because writers
love to reinforce the image of the vengeful warrior returning to destroy
his enemies, failing to visualise a visionary who can do the opposite –
thus failing to be visionaries themselves.
 
Nobody could visualize such a scenario until it happened for real. How

privileged we are to have a Mandela in our history, how delightful that he

averted the scourge of war and created a new society by the force of his
personality. Today my grudge is that the special Mandela channel was
closed before I had the chance to see everything about him one more time
– or twenty times, given my obsession. And the most marvelous thing about
Mandela is, he did not wait for any god or higher force to GIVE his vision to
him, he worked at it himself. He respected all religions but never trusted in
man-made ideas of what godly beings should be and do for him; he simply
went ahead and did it all by himself.
 
He is more of a saint than any one of those saints people have concocted
before…

Our Own Anarchy (REVISED)

Finally, and in retrospect - the Anglo-Boer war takes on
deeper meaning, it seemed an economic war between
two white cultures fought over nationality and greed: a
stronger nation, Britain, set out to extinguish the Dutch
culture here through a scorched earth policy as Boers
rebelled against the idea of British colonisation

But Madiba studied Afrikaner history - realised any war
would result in needless death of women and children,
saw our nation was determined to sacrifice all for right
to govern itself, that both sides would suffer too much;
it would destroy our lovely country - and Madiba only
ever dreamed of a glorious, peaceful reconciliation

On Robben Island he applied his insight, won respect
of wardens, taught fellow prisoners; saw his vision of
reconciliation in light so clear he influenced each and
all by his presence while negotiating a new constitution
for our country after his release - conferring freedom
to all people, irrespective of race, colour or creed

Mandela spoke perfect Afrikaans, hailed the excellence
it brought to the fold by keeping the Springbok emblem,
engaging Zelda LaGrange as his personal assistant &
saying all Afrikaners had to be freed racial segregation
to free the nation, and he freed us - thus charming the
then President, all of the people and the whole World

But for lessons of the Anglo-Boer strife we might have
faced full-scale war, our mettle didn’t need testing and
by viewing us the oppressors nothing would stop ANC
progressing their aims; Mandela knew that fighting for
our freedom came from our forbears who had been
oppressed in Europe, the Cape then the new Province

Transvaal; our history was fighting all odds to be free -
Madiba could see our subjugation fears by recognising
we’re survivors, the Netherlands - Spain 80 year war,
religious persecution of believers - the Edict of Nantes
in France - we’d nowhere to go unlike other Europeans-
in-Africa with safe homelands; we’ve a new language,

Afrikaans, a far cry from Dutch origins, literature of 100
years - if there’s war amongst African tribes we won’t
leave, we’ll stay, fight for our country’s progress, lives
of our people and indigenies - with whom I found such
joie de vivre I willingly trade stiff upper-lip western
incredulity for our own form of African anarchy…

My Mythical, Biblical Mandela

This is how I see it; Mandela is the prophet who
brought me out of slavery and into equality of the
promised land. The joy it brings me can never be
tarnished, he set me free before I knew I’d been
bound by sins of my fathers or learned the cost to
break free from manacles of prejudice

I love him, the world worships him, and I love the
world that upraises Mandela high, to me he’s the
Legend & Myth expected on earth; shall forever
delight in his coming to realise lost Hope of South
Africa who waited for all races to come together in
the Cape to populate Southern Africa;

They fought until Mandela paid the price required
to become a myth engaging the whole world in a
fight against a cabal of oppressors heeding only fire
or blood, but their ice-cold hearts melted in warmth
of his forgiveness offered with LOVE and integrity;
Mandela had so much love, it overflowed to

Include everyone in the world so we all bathed in
it as in the warmth of the sun; he understood his
suppressors had been persecuted to the brink of
extinction - feared annihilation; he promised them
survival then redeemed the past with a love that
prevented war and destruction

So leave my Mythical, Biblical Mandela alone, in
peace, nothing anyone says can lessen the glow
of his love - the magic of his wondrous integrity

[Monday 9 December 2013]


-------------------------------------------------------
[1]

To me Mandela is a prophet who brought us out
of slavery into the promised land of equality and
the joy THIS brings ME can never be tarnished,
he set me free before I knew I was bound by the
sins of my fathers and what the cost would be to
break free from the manacles of prejudice

I love Mandela and the world worships him, there-
fore I love the world that raises Mandela up high –
to me Mandela is the Legend and Myth expected on
earth; I shall forever delight in his coming to set free
the lost Hope of South Africa who waited for all the
races to come together in the Cape

And populate Southern Africa; they fought each other
until Mandela paid the price required to become a myth
that could engage the whole world in the fight against a
group of oppressors who only heeded fire and blood, but
their ice-cold hearts melted in the warmth of his forgive-
ness offered with LOVE and integrity

Mandela had so much love, it overflowed to include every-
one in the world so the whole world bathed in his love as in
the warmth of the sun; he understood that his suppressors
had been persecuted to the brink of extinction and feared
annihilation; he promised them survival then redeemed
the past with a love that prevented war and destruction

Leave my Mythical, Biblical Mandela alone, nothing
anyone says can lessen the glow of his love nor the
magic of his wondrous integrity

[Monday 9 December 2013]

Our Own Anarchy

Finally, in retrospect, the Anglo-Boer war takes on a
deeper meaning, it used to seem like an economic war
between two white cultures fought out of avarice and
greed: the strongest nation at the time, Britain, tried to
extinguish the Dutch nation here through the scorched
earth policy as we rebelled against British occupation

But Madiba studied Afrikaner history and realised that
war against us would result in the death of our women
and children again - because our nation is determined
to sacrifice everything for the right to govern ourselves
and both sides would suffer too much; destroying our
lovely country - Madiba dreamed of reconciliation

So right there on Robben Island he applied his insight
and won the respect of his wardens, educated his fellow
prisoners; seeing his vision of reconciliation so clearly
that he influenced everybody through his presence when
negotiating a new constitution for our country; conferring
freedom on everybody, irrespective of race and colour

Mandela spoke perfect Afrikaans and hailed the excellence
we brought to the fold by keeping the Springbok emblem
and engaging Zelda LaGrange as his personal assistant,
saying Afrikaners had to be freed from racial segregation
so as to free the whole nation – and he did free us; charmed
the serving President and the whole nation

Without the Anglo-Boer War we might have faced a full-
scale war in South Africa because our mettle would not have
been tested and nothing would have deterred the ANC to start
an armed war thinking we were simply oppressors – as it is –
he knew we were used to fighting for our freedom because
our forbears had been oppressed in Europe

And in the Cape, then in the new province called Transvaal –
our history spoke of fighting against all the odds to be free –
therefore Madiba could address our fear of subjection, knowing
we were the inheritors of the 80-year war of Spain against the
Netherlands - as well as the religious persecution of believers
in France through the Edict of Nantes

We have nowhere to go unlike other Europeans-in-Africa with
a homeland; we speak a new language called Afrikaans which
is a far cry from the original Dutch, we even have a 100-year
old literature - we cannot return to a fatherland  - when war
breaks out amongst Black tribes, we cannot leave

We have nowhere to go so we stay and fight for the progress
of our country and the life of our people among the black
tribes of Africa – amongst whom I found so much joie de
vivre, I willingly trade stiff upper-lip Western boredom
for our own form of anarchy…

Myth Of Cynicism

The wind is disturbed, the sea madly advancing,
a whirlwind creating waves ruffling their crests
the forces of nature are paying their respects for
the loss of the land, of a saint, a man above men,
Mandela, the prisoner who forgave everyone
who incarcerated him

The wind creates havoc everywhere, chasing us
inside to stare and wonder at this show of such
immense perturbation - of strange events, and I
think it is all caused by the loss of the soul, the
greatest of all – Mandela, our first President, the
prisoner from Robben Island

The freedom fighter who knew when to give up
and bring the universe to its knees with his sweet
humility - the wind and sea are thundering their
praise for Nelson Mandela – the father of our
nation, the leader of our age and the man who
destroyed the myth of cynicism forever!

[Saturday 7 December 2013]

Honouring Those Who Persecuted Him (Revised)

Nelson Mandela spent 27 years in prison paying for the
right to be spokesman for Africans oppressed under the
policies practiced by Europeans living in Southern Africa;
he made the supreme short-term sacrifice for long-term
results - sacrificing a hedonistic life for a world in which
equality is acknowledged by every player on the board

He set a quintessential example - changing the world by
changing yourself, choosing persecution and prison - an
irrational choice when he could have had peace; chose
to set aside vengeance and anger - totally irrational, no
dignity satisfied, no feud settled, no dispute laid aside -
terrible, deplorable - acceptance of the inexorable

So the whole world was won, prejudices overcome; yet in
South African political circles his legacy is trampled by the
President following in his footsteps using public office to
enrich himself - paying homage to examples of European
monarchy; still, the reconciliation brought about by Nelson
Mandela, our nation’s Madiba saved a country from burning

Saved Africans from reverting to savagery; kept South Africa
from becoming a second Zimbabwe - the former Rhodesia
who revered a Mugabe as saviour, killing people on street and
reaping despair at his hands - while South Africa rejoiced in
the forgiveness of a Nelson Mandela and tries to live up to
his superhuman example of unconditionally honouring

Those who mercilessly persecuted him…

6 December 2013

Alive Again! (Revised)

Tiaan is back, everything intact after a raging rave and many
mistakes – the taxi was late, friends denied entry to a perfect
place, well, it seemed perfect at the time, girls turned away –
the boys hunted in packs – and now he’s back, went down to

the beach with me like Nici yesterday, but with Tiaan it turned
into a feast of witty remarks and commentary, he froze while I
jumped about in surf - conquering a few big wave-breaks over
me – felt like a ride on a steam train right into the bubbles

Then he played beach ball with a friend Nici made, the happy
noise of the boys changing our quiet place into a party night –
I’m so happy, Tiaan is back, all had to wait until now – this is
when it is happening for me, I’m alive again!

Until When (Revised)

Tiaan at The Rave, Nici off with friends, it’s just us two, the sea
the sky and sometimes the sun but not now as it’s dark - quiet
just as you like it with no-one around, no-one to talk to except
the odd cashier at the shops, no drama or intrigue other than
your own

You expect people to respect your intricate intrigue while you
scrupulously respect their right to privacy; the most amazing
thing is I have no feelings left - so maybe swimming in the sea
damaged either my brain’s left or right lobe, I feel nothing like
Phineas Gage after an iron rod penetrated his brain

He lost ability to set priorities and thus lost his job, family and
life - all I know is I’m growing much more careful in the sea, not
allowing waves to roll me head over heels, curling up into a ball
when the wave is too big, I’m curling up now to stay in my shell
until… when…

What to do (REVISED)

Drove off in a flurry of bags and complaints, arrived in
the Karoo, felt soothed by mountains, the hardy veld,
small birds in yellow and red, a big fire to augment its
ambience, drove to the Cape, overcast, sea greenish
grey - we’re caught in work mode, my beach walk just
proved my legs are weak, worried about tomorrow as
feelings change, will old age bring more sorrow, then
you promised things will be different when your duty’s
done and you can relax, savour the moment - wishing
I could escape this ‘aegis’, wake up in a new mental
state; as my colleague said, we suffer from Stockholm
syndrome – unsure what to do with the new freedoms
holidays bring

Curse Of The Gods (2)

New medication is losing its dark power over me,
the epic Götterdammerung is lifting - double vision
clearing up and my old enemies – Weltschmerz –
Existential Angst and Nihilism are moving away
 
Thought it a spiritual problem, proof of guilt that
brought the curse of gods down upon me, but my
only guilt lay in taking medicine which befogged
my mind causing hallucinations of estrangement

Practice enabled me to play the role of debonair 
flibbertigibbet at work, but it was a descent into
hell which only Milton with his Paradise Lost and
the Fall of Man can possibly understand

My feelings, Hope, Love and Joy are returning,
shocked at the way they were ousted by this evil
medication clearly concocted by old Nick himself,
laughing maniacally and jumping up and down
 
Delighting in the pain it would cause mankind…

27 November 2013

Capacity To Feel (Revised)

A hat, even the one adorned with pearls and silver flowers
disguising bright pink ones on it already, doesn’t help if its
wearer cannot smile - and I can’t this morning, tried it, sang
‘Oh you can kiss me on a Monday’ to lift a colleague from
doldrums and though she smiled unwillingly, she said the
song didn’t help at all

It didn’t help me either, counting my secret sins to find out
which foodstuffs caused this psychopathic torpor feeling,
fruit cake of course, bread and new kettle-fried chips with
avocado dip, a list of my sins is endless, must be resigned
and wait until the sun melts my frozen heart, keep a low
profile – must stay calm

While my head is being ground by allergy, even loving
articles by spiritual Anne can’t touch my frosted feelings,
a buzzing of many voices in the office led to another round
of André Rieu, Death Dancing once again and I wish
to sleep, last night I couldn't and now my eyelids close
themselves, my grand plans

for marching through my text and slashing all resistance
against target terms, wrestling style and grammar gremlins
until my translation was perfect; came to nought, I’m just
an automaton without a soul - at least I don’t have to worry
about paying the ferryman, my soul is somewhere else and
without the capacity to feel

Life bores me all the time…

[25/11/2013]

Fleeing My Thoughts (REVISED)

First I wanted to feel calm and satisfied, then only a little
better as negative thoughts burst out of my mind, why do
the wisdom  I gathered disappear just when needed most?

Finding negative feelings intensifying, I got up, watched
Animal Planet ‘Roaring with Pride’ – lions in Africa, it’s
better than the horrible thoughts rehashed by my unruly
mind, dredging up every terrible event I have ever lived

Every lie told when threatened by teachers at school -
every humiliation and stupid decision I made, it’s better
to stare at lion cubs or Monster Fish trying to eat men
alive -at least this supposition sparked the programme

Than to remember the past, though I’m sure tomorrow
would not be all bad, I’m not inspired by Monday rituals,
nobody could be unless changed into an automaton

Whether it be future, present or past; my mind changes
everything into something I don’t want to realise; fleeing
my thoughts is the only way to go though I would much
rather be asleep than sitting here

As Much As We Please (REVISED)

The universe is forever expanding, the cycle of curiosity and the
discovery of new things will never stop, thus we have an eternal
universe giving all souls opportunities, ad infinitum,  to grow and
expand – until developing a spiritual-consciousness that brings
wisdom and intelligence; then the soul can impart its newly
acquired wisdom with decorum

Just as there is no limit to the music we make - the tunes we
create; no limit to the songs we can sing, the melodies and
new languages and new ideas – whilethe purpose of it all
is the joy we feel while having fun; work must be made in-
to challenges increasing laughter and happiness - then
we fulfil our goal and are at peace while living madly,

Passionately, joyously – bewitched by endless possibilities to
enrich ourselves and everything else by the fantasies we can
have and the plans we can make – how marvellous this is; it
is the answer to childhood questions: What is the purpose of
existence? - It is to keep on creating as much as we please
for as long as we please in whatever way we please…

Rules and regulations are poles planted into the soft turf of life,
with trampolines swinging between them and there are swings
high in life’s circus tent -  it is our privilege to be acrobats who
can jump over, between, on and under these poles, jumping
up and down on the trampolines - swinging through the air
as we learn how to sidestep the laws and regulations

Which can also be seen as symbols of ice-rinks with all the
possibilities to create dancing figures; we can learn how
to pull through on ingenuity, getting to know all the rules
and traits of ice-rinks for the benefit of the whole world –
changing the world for the better in the light
of the wisdom we have acquired…

22 November 2013

A Million Echoes (REVISED)

The top was not the industrial grey it was bought in anymore
but faded into a sickly yellowish-green -  like moss on an old
tree, tried everything to give it new life - wearing pearls with
macabre effect, trying the silver anchor symbol of my poet
brother - nope; added a novelty necklace – bad to worse

Wandered into a cheap clothes shop just for a look at old
stock, voilà, black top with sailor-like white stripes to go
with the anchor, left fitting room with it on before legally
bought; explained to a friendly cashier and it felt as if
the universe had conspired to lead me away from

The old towards the new which proves co-creation with
loving, intelligent forces leads us towards our dreams,
heart singing, dreaming of sending love to everything
and feel it bouncing back like a million echoes from
a very deep valley

[22 September 2013]

Don't You Agree?

Have you noticed we need explanations for
everything, doesn’t matter how fantastic or
absurd because we’ll never have peace until
explication is given, even if one of absolute
fantasy; like astronomy and quantum physics:
as long as fantasy’s disguised under the term
hypothesis & delivers practical results. It is a
perfect definition of science -

I love explanations for mysteries, mostly the
unsolved enigmas - giving us opportunity to
create reams of explanations, testing these
hypothesis against reality. If it works - if the
wheels roll and the craft flies - we’ll stick to it,
ignoring Keely’s alternatives; light harmonics,
faster-than-light antigravity devices for safe
space flights and disembodied voices from

The after-life sphere; we admire the beauty
of a Miracle Play postulating a baby born to
live a life of peace & self-discipline - these
attempts illustrate life’s possibilities, we can
try them to see if they fit our reality, thus we
make perspectives, create unique worlds, a
personal fantasy, a guiding light - it is fun,
don’t you agree?

22 November 2013

Never Spinach Ever Again (REV)

When everything went wrong, every positive expectation
I had for the day met with a negative end, I had to explain
to myself why and all I could see was the spinach I had
brought with me; trying to help with book-filled boxes in
the storeroom, I was always in the way - and this is the
day I ate spinach at work

Yuck, spinach is bad luck, I’ll never bring it to work again,
it’ll break my heart - and with it tasting so bad I ended up
eating a waffle to escape from dread - even driving home
was no fun - tomorrow I’ll drive like a fiend enjoying my life
with great things to eat - but I’ll never bring a horrible
thing like spinach ever again!

21 November 2013


[ORIGINAL:]
 
Never Ever Spinach Again

Have to explain to myself why everything went wrong,
every positive expectation I had for today met with a
negative end, the only thing I can see is the spinach I
brought with me, trying to be of help in the storeroom
with boxes full of books, I was in the way – and this is
the day I ate spinach at work
 
Yuck, spinach is bad luck, I shall never again bring spinach
to the office, it will just break my heart, tasting so bad I
ended up eating a waffle to escape from the feeling of
dread, even driving was no fun – tomorrow I shall drive
like a fiend and enjoy my life with great things to eat –
never ever spinach again!
 
21 November 2013

Living In A Trance (REVISED)

Finally achieved a mental state where my brain quietly
focuses on just one document; I prepared this weekend
living in a trance, meditating how I love my little world,
effects of sunshine in trees and turquoise water of the
pool, laughter of my children, my car’s nifty swerving,
an office where colleagues share their warmth
with everyone

The miracle took place - I live for my text, when feeling
ill I read parts of it until well and can dig in researching
terms and quirky sentences; correcting my own work as
an overall perspective brings insight in descriptions of
electric power stations, wearing my new hat when going
for a walk, returning with my focus still intact, nothing
else on earth exists, just this bubble of happiness

Don’t want to wake before the end, first must recheck
everything and give it my best shot, living in a trance
until my mission is fulfilled and I have done my best

19 November 2013

Preparing For Monday Morning [REV]

It struck me while intent on preparing mentally for
Monday morning - I’m still of a mindset preventing
me finishing a document I was checking Friday; I
wanted to reach rock bottom this weekend but did
not get depressed enough

Watching The Thin Blue Line Sunday night makes
me laugh so much maybe sinking fast isn’t needed
to be able to leap into the Monday morning routine,
complete technical research required - without my
brain switching off –

Lurking back of everything is a thought of preparing
schedules for the holidays, to rekindle worthiness
feelings as days slowly drift with no challenges or
need for accomplishment, nothing to get adrenaline
flowing; yet tonight the only thing is

Preparing for Monday morning…

[17 November 2013]

A Redneck At Heart (REVISED)

Channel-hopping to chase interesting things, found
Season Ten of So You Think You Can Dance, then
The Dragons Den and an episode of America’s Got
Talent - thunder rolling softly outside sounding like
lions satisfied and lightning wounding down

Idly wasting time as dishes wait in the kitchen, the
thunder is rolling again, those lions are not sleeping
as yet; a stuntman on TV, precocious kids dancing
and singing, a former soldier hiccupping as song
shows that rednecks really have more fun

Than the rest of us, his girlfriend wearing a pink cow-
girl hat, a group of rednecks on Nat GeoWild drinking
beer while sailing on rafts to catch jumping fish in nets
just loosely held and putting up banners to gaily inform
the world ‘Here Be Rednecks At Play’

I’m a redneck at heart, create my own fun by singing
and talking loudly - but never in the open-plan office
where I do research in a depressed trance of quiet
resignation suppressing feeling and imagination…

13 November 2013

Excitement And Adventure (Revised)

I am surprising myself by reading everything about
electricity, the deficit thereof and reasons why, now
quite saddened by the senseless violence with which
the people in Africa fight each other and destroy all
infrastructure, burning and destroying forests while
dependent on wood for cooking - again the strange
enchantment of feeling while reading has me in its
grips, my heart has been touched

And my mind is tortured by what I read of war and
reprisals, the only help is my guru insisting that we
respect the desires of others to live differently and
leave the smorgasbord of life intact - so those who
still need to act out primitive passions have a place
where they are free to do as they please; this is the
best course by far, the challenge, excitement and
adventure create heroes and saints - which is

So much more interesting than administrative life

[13 November 2013]

Grinning Happily [REVISED]

I got hold of oats and chockbitz while doing research into
electricity networks - overwhelmed by boredom, enjoying
the process of eating so much I gave up worrying about
medical advice to abstain for hopefully a pain-free life to
exist, no salt, no sugar, no carbohydrates in excess, no
wholewheat, no bran, no bread, no cake, no chocolates

No alcohol, no butter, no oil, no fat, only vegetables bland,
certain fruit and meat once a week - after trying this and
feeling super-miserable, caught in a despondent depression
causing catatonia while being insomniac; I am compelled to
dig my grave with my  teeth, at least I shall have fun before
stumbling over the proverbial banana peel and dying

Grinning happily, a chocolate in one hand and a classic
James Bond Martini in the other – Prosit!

International Yodelling Convocations [REVISED]

If ignored, whatever was wrong would go away - I thought; 
but when I could not control the notes while trying to sing as
mother played, it seemed as if sound ran away & something
had to be done - thus your insistence that I try your curry,

After a breakfast of egg-and-chips exacerbated the problem,
I have seldom felt so deeply affected by the allergy - though
it’s bad to lose my mind, losing song also is so much worse;
Mother still asked me to sing at their concert – imagine the

Chaos if I can’t find my notes while the music runs on and
the audience have to succumb – no thanks, there’s enough
failures in my past, the solo in operetta at school - a total
mess, music night at university - screeching like a crow

No way, won’t do it to myself and others again - I have not
yet found a way to keep my voice stable while reaching for
the high notes in the last line of I Walk With God, I will not
not force others to endure my attempts at singing the coda

I’ll keep my energy for pestering colleagues and the droves
of innocent security guards - yodelling on the stairwell and
laughing at my amazingly noisy imitations of International
yodelling convocations!

9 November 2013

On The Inside

Came home deeply sunk in the gloom of chemical
depression, nothing helped, not even finding three
new T-shirts for the holiday season - you allowed
me to swim until I had enough - three vegetables,
chicken- the miracle took place again; - my mind
moved from utter depression to total contentment

I pasted glitter and glue on my ears & blue police
T-shirt, the kids professed to be shocked but it had
to be a Spiel they’re used to me now; reflecting on
the day in which I had listened to endless yodelling  
on YouTube which led me to conclude that it can
only be taken in little bits only - Joan Sutherland

Made me realise one had to be in the right mood -
when sinking into depression neither dancing nor
singing on Britain’s Got Talent has any effect; the
change has to happen on the inside,  after a happy
meal my insides have changed and once again I
feel like a young maiden – it is all happening

On the inside…

6 November 2013

Interlocking Stars

Music is written down in staves, 5 parallel,
equally-spaced, horizontal lines indicting
the path for every voice and instrument to
flow in seemingly chronological sequence

Yet as the music plays the notes form a
hologram - 3-dimensional spirals moving
outwards from a central point - interlocking
stars falling from the sky in a rain of sparks

Lassoes made of notes are thrown and twirl
together forming images behind my eyes as
if a circus artiste is spinning plates on sticks
which all turn together simultaneously in 3-D

Confusing the audience, the whole orchestral
piece spreading outwards from its beginning
creating a whole new universe in melody thus
music is divine, creation is said to start with a

Central chord and maybe this is what Thomas
Otten is conveying in his swirling, mesmerising
melodies in such sweet, clear tones - beware -
you may not want to return to earth again…

The Anchor I Wear

Activity means so much less than your thoughts, Abraham says,
vibration determines the power you possess to create the world
you profess to dream into being when delight fills your mind, it is
true because as you helped me today I felt the wonder of having
a leader who is on my side all the time since family comes first
in everything, the world changed, directions and dimensions just
moved away and my heart was flooded with the joy of existence

I drank my coffee gratefully and ate triple-layered chocolate cake
gleefully, determined not to sink back into the morass of sadness
where my mind is sucked into a miniature black hole which starts
to expand until it has swallowed my whole life and only emptiness
is left where my dreams and feelings used to be - no, not today -
today I celebrate family, open my heart to the presence of some-
one who understands what I mean and amends everything when

Offered explanations of what should have been in the text on the
screen – your symbol is the anchor I wear around my neck and
my thoughts will continue to grow with the rhythms that you show
in the lines that you clinically trim to highlight the essence alone!

5 November 2013

See My Melody

A wonderful new rhyme to learn - Mokgadi,
Mimi, Mankidi and Thandi, sitting near me in
cubicles formed by loose screens, expressing
righteous indignation when I continuously ask
their names, so I wrote down a melody putting
them in the order in which they appear in the
open-plan office: Mokgadi, Mimi, Mankidi and

Thandi; like Maria teaching do re me by singing
a descriptive line for every note:  first Mokgadi
face friendly and familiar, giving me a hug, Mimi
voice and smile filling the building, then Mankidi
mirth in undetermined rhythm, Thandi, looking
shy as a smile lights up her eyes; see my melody
singing softly: Mokgadi, Mimi, Mankidi and Thandi

5 November 2013

Blurred Vision [REVISED]

I listen to Thomas Otten, blurred vision, can’t see the
miracles of life around me, wondering where he found
those melodies; my mind covered in lead, cut off from
the world by a glass wall, soul missing or dead - why,
like a criminal, do I hide these symptoms - though it’s

A crime to feel this bad in our great World. Feelings
and awareness have fled, thick chain tautens with the
daunting thoughts caging my head, discomfort denies
ideas through which escape was effected in the past - 
attack in my head hammering at the back of my skull

This litany of sad symptoms explains why I can’t tell
colleagues my feelings, too melodramatic for this little
office where they work industriously while I’m lurking
behind, scared to be seen failing and blind. Moving
pain to another location would help, with chocolate

so sweetly easing depression, allowing a radiance to
surface like swirling bubbles in a pool; a pace change
& throbbing in my head could be bearable, attempting
self-medication preferable to sitting here with nothing
but red-hot discomfort entertaining a feverish, itching

mind, complementing fuzzy images; it means rigorous
checking is too far-fetched an idea for making sure I’ve
made no mistakes - feeling much too tired to care how
grammar rules are observed - or broken - or not, in a
text composed from blurred vision…

5 November 2013

Champagne Of Shallow Breakers

Being strong, facing and solving my problems at work,
learning to face the boredom of nothing ever happening
by wearing a hat - and long black wrap over my T-shirt
as well as scarves glittering in silver and white - plus

Purple glasses and a wide smile; now to start facing the
problem of how to wear a swimsuit at the seaside - old
suit will do, though much too flimsy for the protection
required - find another black top to cover the old one

Will solve this problem just fine - wearing my purple
mask while thinking about the problem of swimming
without being too self-conscious to play in the waves
leads to the conclusion wearing clothing in layers 

Is the solution to every pitfall in appearance, with two
scarves over a grey T-shirt I survived today, preparing
for the seaside - where kids always deride my delight
in playing in the waves – claiming not even babies

Play in those shallow breakers where I tumble head
over heels in the bubbling surf; with double layers I
shall be impervious to embarrassment while rolling
in the champagne of shallow breakers…

[1 November 2013]

Ineffable Spell [REVISED]

Tired I return to the New Testament thinking of books
already read, heart sore and mind empty, I’ve looked
everywhere, my spirit dead, there’s no refuge from the
fact that I must learn electricity terms; only by turning
right back, withdrawing into deepest caverns of my

Soul, reading old men’s words who, according to Seth, 
presented a Miracle Play of Medieval proportions to
teach what living meaningful life meant, presenting a
wonderful way for us to meditate, which according to
Abraham, gave advice that is balm to my feelings,

Is medicine to my shrinking self-esteem; in words of
the King James translation: Leave all strife and
vainglory behind and in lowliness of mind, esteem
others better than yourself.., this helps, by realising 
selfish ambition and vain conceit will only bring me

shame - while humility, valuing my colleagues above
myself, brings sweet resignation & quiet acceptance
of noise levels fluctuating with misunderstandings
proliferating until we are cocooned in loneliness that
no amount of togetherness can really change

Quiet within my cavernous soul reverberates around
me and the soft feeling of being at home in my mind
fills the office with the lovely words all weaving their
ineffable spell…

[Reference to Philippians 2: 3-4]

[31 October 2013]

Their Secret Sign [REVISED]

Don’t have a favourite book today, sorely need
emotional strength; magazines & newspapers
only inflate the gross physical aspects of being
human, mental & spiritual aspects are fine, but
emotional and physical elements are a mess -
irritation with a colleague suddenly deciding
humming is the thing to brighten her day and
by default all others’ in our open plan office
                     
Any magical tale could prod my cerebral state
to excited from depressed, enable me to tackle
the next awful translation, look up terms to be
presented canned worms - of 5 meanings I’d
always choose one that doesn’t fit, a gift to be
constantly wrong as the criteria for choosing, 
rhythm and music, doesn’t apply & my brain
can’t see meaning as being more important

It’s okay to feel better at role-play; who shall I
become, best use my Fedora, play James Bond
creeping down passages stealthily, greeting our
Director cheerfully so he won’t suspect I’m Her
Majesty’s Agent & licensed to kill - imagine me
pulling a gun on everyone who makes a sound
that gets on my nerves because they all work
for Dr No - and that is their secret sign!

[31 October 2013]

Their Secret Sign

Sorely in need of emotional reinforcement and
not a favourite book with me - - magazines and
newspapers only reinforce the horrible physical
aspect of being human, the mental and spiritual
aspects are fine, but the emotional and physical
are a mess, irritation with a colleague suddenly
deciding humming is just the thing to brighten
her day and by default everybody else’s in the
open plan office

Any magical tale would change my mental station
from depressed to excited and enable me to tackle
the next awful translation, looking up terms to be
confronted with a can of worms, with 5 meanings
for one word I always choose the one that doesn’t
fit, it is a gift, to be constantly wrong because the
real criteria for choosing - rhythm and music - do
not apply and my brain refuses to see meaning as
being more important

It is possible to feel better by playing a role, who
shall I become – best is to use my Fedora to play
at being James Bond, creeping down the passage
stealthily, greeting our Director jovially so he can
not suspect I am here on Her Majesty’s business
and have a license to kill, imagine pulling a gun
on everyone who makes a sound that gets on my
nerves because they all work for Dr No and this
is their secret sign

30 October 2013

Money-spinning Poseurs

I read everything and the moment a person claims
only he/she is right and all the others are wrong, I
stop reading them. One pre-condition I set is that a
person admit his/her viewpoint is only one among
many AND the others ARE EQUALLY VALID –
and that the reader must refer to own experience &
observation when choosing adherence and beliefs.

I read on until meeting commercialism or bigotry
then leave that source.  Whatever wonderful and
spiritual truth or event or experience is out there,
whenever schemers come across it, they turn it
into a money-making business.

This never tarnishes the truth or beauty or wonder
of the original insight, it only means readers must
take the jewels of wisdom and leave the money-
spinning poseurs immediately.

Never throw out the baby with the bath water; all
beautiful babies of INSIGHT are immediately ap-
propriated by pirates and false prophets and dis-
ciples; take the baby and run - leave the money-
mongers to themselves, let them defraud each
other, they have their own harmonics…

Free Access [REVISED]

With unrestricted Web access for investigating all
viewpoints in writing - i.e., those of the mavericks,
spirituals, the sciences, religions, philosophies &
channellings, histories, cultures, civilisations, hidden
knowledge, alternative viewpoints, holograms and
quantum mechanics, interlocked particles, parallel
universes and dark matter and relativism and
mysterious portals and multiverses - we

Have a new mental freedom, an ability to window-
shop in the marketplace of ideas, new perspectives
and insight with access to previously inaccessible
information; only those who cannot read or who’s
Internet use is restricted cannot overcome own
education and culture - anyone wishing to gain 
wider views and make up their own minds will
find the censure of those who profess to know
better cannot kill wonderment offered by new

Ideas, free innovation and delight in amazing
discoveries – it is a choice - my experience is
enchantment with brilliant ideas, unlimited use
of the imagination, freedom compared to my
youth, joy in continuous research and the un-
stoppable flow of theories; a mental release I
shall not curtail by adherence to any creed or
groups with intersubjective indices…


[My reply to a colleague stating there is no freedom in the
rules and regulations in which we live like prisoners:

Your viewpoint is very valid - that’s how it used to feel
to me. But the outline of reality which forms the framework
in which we live, the guidelines of time and contracts and
protocol and legal laws, governed by the autopilot ego,
executing duties in a Zen trance, provides physical safety,
giving the mind unlimited time to research the shimmering
patterns of the mental life – and learn to weave new webs
of meanings and symbols to recreate the physical world as
we like, all in good time…]

[29 October 2013]

Make People See [REVISED]

Wish I could describe my feelings, the alienation of
reading articles in magazines loved in my youth which
now seem unbearable - and media insisting on forming
opinion, imposing one point of view; my estrangement
on seeing readers force-fed perspectives

today there’s freedom from official creed and religion
in enlightening explanation of the world’s progress as a
magic phenomenon presenting life as a wide-open, self-
made intersubjective creation, of amazing empowering
ideas known because the free internet brought access

to life-changing information that cannot be suppressed
as was the case throughout the ages using censure in the
name of politics, morality and education; all these being
mass-control mechanisms, unorthodox thinking was kept
from spreading, civilizations were subjected, prevented
 
from growing independent by false assumptions, beliefs
and superstitions; today the cage is open - so it’s beyond
understanding why many people still prefer and enjoy the
pre-digested, prejudiced and enslaving precepts of official
orthodoxy in all its mind-numbing forms; what will it take

to make people see - they are FREE?

[28 October 2013]

Cradling Little Crocodiles [REVISED]

The joy of watching the ‘Gator Boys cradling
little crocodiles destroyed by angry elephants
trampling foolish foreign visitors to Africa; the
joy of reading about mother tongue beauty in
Lullaby For Liefstetjie, replaced by tragedy -
soul-destroying death of 9 year old Elvandré
from the Northern Cape

German magazines I read reporting celebrity
lives with ghoulish indulgence in their affairs
improves vocabulary, but I detest this kind of
news and firmly feel the paparazzi should be
shot on sight; I don’t care what the Queen of
England had for tea or who got divorced or
bereaved or was recently killed

Today would have been lost if it were not for
bonhomie of Guy’s boisterous Triple D - this
flavoured food delicious; now time to turn off
the lights - thankful for rain - hoping to sleep
tonight; wishing to exchange present reality
for another universe existing in the dark
behind my eyes

[26 October 2013]

Context

A page so relevant, not flippant or surreal 

except to those who were never there; nor 

to be taken lightly as it set the stage for the 

many icons now accepted gratefully, it was 

a time where we all grew into adulthood or 

hid away from consequence of not playing 

a part - all the images say it discretely and 

artifice is tasked a dearth of flashy chrome 

It was where we progressed from dreams 

to concrete reality in songs and symbols - 

proud of who we were yet aware of bigger 

events colouring contexts of our existence 

and we learned to express ourselves with 

the gleeful honesty we still cherish today 

© 24 October 2013, I. D. Carswell

http://www.flickr.com/photos/blast_of_the_past/ 

Joy Of Being Here [REVISED]

A wonderful day with rusks, sugared chocolate, wafers,
passing out repeatedly - yet glorious with life; suddenly
I talk like an organ again, fast and furious, no stopping
for breath - driving like a fiend, swerving right and left

Knowing expensive BMW’s will take flight - music at full
volume in the office to drown interminably loud gurgled
exclamations of my bubbling colleague – and I sang while
entering and leaving the building

Farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye, Sound of Music not
good enough for Annette, she clamoured for The Student
Prince - Adieu, good friends I say Adieu, I can no longer
stay with thee – I know it, started the song correctly

There is a Tavern in the Town - noisy descent in the
lift, driving home even better than early morning - I
very seldom feel so happy in my skin as I do today,
wish I could always eat the foodstuff that does this

For me - and sing for the joy of being here!

Thursday 24 October 2013


[ORIGINAL:]

Wonderful, wonderful day, rusks, passing out repeatedly,
sugar in chocolate and wafers; yet glorious life, suddenly
I talked like an organ again, fast and furious, no stopping
for breath - driving like a fiend, swerving left and right

Knowing expensive BMW’s will take flight- music full
volume in the office to drown out the interminable noise
of loud exclamations as my bubbling colleague gurgled
all day – I sang while entering and leaving the building

So long, auf wiedersehen, goodbye, Sound of Music not
good enough for Annette, she clamoured for The Student
Prince - Adieu, good friends I say Adieu, I can no longer
stay with thee  – I know it, started the song correctly
 
There is a Tavern in the Town - noisy descent in the
lift, driving home even better than early morning - I
very seldom feel as happy in my skin as I do today,
wish I could eat the food that does this for me
 
All the time & always sing for the joy of being here!

Thursday 24 October 2013

Overlapping Images [REVISED]

Sending out positive signals to attract affirmative events
works if being reassured makes one see ‘good’ things,
if it changes the world intrinsically its quite irrelevant, the
results are the same; time became thick treacle today,
heavy eyelids, doing research, I rallied,

Went out with my lucky Fedora, greeted happy Thelma
from security, laughed with Sharon from IT and fatigue
was gone, movement, enthusiasm fixed my gyroscope,
sailed on, bought wafers all flavours strawberry, vanilla
and chocolate, munching right through Burundi, a small

Country next to the Congo, pictures of drummers in white
and blue - kicking up dust - holding drums high; marched
to the car, found Pratchett’s Disc-world book on hell as a
bureaucracy illustrated by Josh Kirby, laughed; pictures
of the Tezumen, the devil in a modern red suit,

Seething because the gods spurned the cocktail party
he organised to show them goodwill and peace on earth -
or at least he thought so, sort of - I’m still laughing, a
marvelous surprise - now I know intrinsically how the
world splits when we go back in time:

Every change sends events in a different direction, then
different places and times meet up, flow together again
overlapping images creating holograms, choices made
in one world are changed in the next existing in the
same space and time, both mirroring each other

Like strings of pearls in Indra’s heaven!

23 October 2013


[ORIGINAL:]

Sending out positive signals to attract positive events
works - whether being positive makes one recognise
good things or changes the world intrinsically is quite
beside the point, result is the same, time became thick
treacle this morning, heavy eyelids, doing research

I rallied, went out with my lucky Fedora, greeted happy
Thelma from security, laughed with Sharon from IT and
gone the fatigue, movement and enthusiasm fixed my
gyroscope, sailing on, bought wafers all flavours straw-
berry, vanilla and chocolate, munching right through

Burundi, a small country next to the Congo, pictures of
drummers in white and blue - kicking up dust - holding
drums high; marched to the car, found Pratchett’s Disc-
world book on hell as a bureaucracy illustrated by Josh
Kirby and I laughed, pictures of the Tezumen

The devil in a modern red suit, seething because the
gods spurned the cocktail party he organised to show
them goodwill and peace on earth - sort of - I’m still
laughing, it’s a marvelous surprise, now I know how
the world splits when we go back in time:

Every change sends events in a different direction then
different places and times meet up, flow together again
overlapping images creating holograms, choices made
in one world are changed in the next existing in the
same space and time, both mirroring each other

Like strings of pearls in Indra’s heaven!

23 October 2013

Stiff Upper-Lip Sneering [REVISED]

Should have realised it might seem like the whole issue
is an attempt to gain attention, the sad part though is all
attention’s lost, I cannot even get service from a starved
shopkeeper, so it’s time to be rational and deal with the
matter myself

These symptoms helped the subconscious gain attention
of my adolescent ego, forcing me to nurture my spirit and
seek soul-food - though it’s cost comes as health lost, a
sacrifice to gain spiritual bliss, not drowned in feelings of
self-pity, no-longer wallowing

In the darkness of the past the future calls, time to follow
the bluebird’s trail round the world leading straight back
home, you did not see Mandy & me giving an impromptu
sidewalk performance, just heard my shouting goodbye
to Annette who was passing by

We are in the Pretoria Central Business District, nobody
knows me, nobody cares, why should I follow English
stiff-upper lip protocol, here my colleagues and I sing
Gospel songs and we all dance in the passages. I
shall continue with my evil ways

Listening to Georgio sing opera on UTube then go out
and sing happy songs myself, having the fun of warm
togetherness and shared bliss – it is heaven on earth,
no amount of stiff upper-lip sneering can give the like
to me of the joy I have right here!

22 October 2013