What to do (REVISED)

Drove off in a flurry of bags and complaints, arrived in
the Karoo, felt soothed by mountains, the hardy veld,
small birds in yellow and red, a big fire to augment its
ambience, drove to the Cape, overcast, sea greenish
grey - we’re caught in work mode, my beach walk just
proved my legs are weak, worried about tomorrow as
feelings change, will old age bring more sorrow, then
you promised things will be different when your duty’s
done and you can relax, savour the moment - wishing
I could escape this ‘aegis’, wake up in a new mental
state; as my colleague said, we suffer from Stockholm
syndrome – unsure what to do with the new freedoms
holidays bring

Curse Of The Gods (2)

New medication is losing its dark power over me,
the epic Götterdammerung is lifting - double vision
clearing up and my old enemies – Weltschmerz –
Existential Angst and Nihilism are moving away
 
Thought it a spiritual problem, proof of guilt that
brought the curse of gods down upon me, but my
only guilt lay in taking medicine which befogged
my mind causing hallucinations of estrangement

Practice enabled me to play the role of debonair 
flibbertigibbet at work, but it was a descent into
hell which only Milton with his Paradise Lost and
the Fall of Man can possibly understand

My feelings, Hope, Love and Joy are returning,
shocked at the way they were ousted by this evil
medication clearly concocted by old Nick himself,
laughing maniacally and jumping up and down
 
Delighting in the pain it would cause mankind…

27 November 2013

Capacity To Feel (Revised)

A hat, even the one adorned with pearls and silver flowers
disguising bright pink ones on it already, doesn’t help if its
wearer cannot smile - and I can’t this morning, tried it, sang
‘Oh you can kiss me on a Monday’ to lift a colleague from
doldrums and though she smiled unwillingly, she said the
song didn’t help at all

It didn’t help me either, counting my secret sins to find out
which foodstuffs caused this psychopathic torpor feeling,
fruit cake of course, bread and new kettle-fried chips with
avocado dip, a list of my sins is endless, must be resigned
and wait until the sun melts my frozen heart, keep a low
profile – must stay calm

While my head is being ground by allergy, even loving
articles by spiritual Anne can’t touch my frosted feelings,
a buzzing of many voices in the office led to another round
of André Rieu, Death Dancing once again and I wish
to sleep, last night I couldn't and now my eyelids close
themselves, my grand plans

for marching through my text and slashing all resistance
against target terms, wrestling style and grammar gremlins
until my translation was perfect; came to nought, I’m just
an automaton without a soul - at least I don’t have to worry
about paying the ferryman, my soul is somewhere else and
without the capacity to feel

Life bores me all the time…

[25/11/2013]

Fleeing My Thoughts (REVISED)

First I wanted to feel calm and satisfied, then only a little
better as negative thoughts burst out of my mind, why do
the wisdom  I gathered disappear just when needed most?

Finding negative feelings intensifying, I got up, watched
Animal Planet ‘Roaring with Pride’ – lions in Africa, it’s
better than the horrible thoughts rehashed by my unruly
mind, dredging up every terrible event I have ever lived

Every lie told when threatened by teachers at school -
every humiliation and stupid decision I made, it’s better
to stare at lion cubs or Monster Fish trying to eat men
alive -at least this supposition sparked the programme

Than to remember the past, though I’m sure tomorrow
would not be all bad, I’m not inspired by Monday rituals,
nobody could be unless changed into an automaton

Whether it be future, present or past; my mind changes
everything into something I don’t want to realise; fleeing
my thoughts is the only way to go though I would much
rather be asleep than sitting here

As Much As We Please (REVISED)

The universe is forever expanding, the cycle of curiosity and the
discovery of new things will never stop, thus we have an eternal
universe giving all souls opportunities, ad infinitum,  to grow and
expand – until developing a spiritual-consciousness that brings
wisdom and intelligence; then the soul can impart its newly
acquired wisdom with decorum

Just as there is no limit to the music we make - the tunes we
create; no limit to the songs we can sing, the melodies and
new languages and new ideas – whilethe purpose of it all
is the joy we feel while having fun; work must be made in-
to challenges increasing laughter and happiness - then
we fulfil our goal and are at peace while living madly,

Passionately, joyously – bewitched by endless possibilities to
enrich ourselves and everything else by the fantasies we can
have and the plans we can make – how marvellous this is; it
is the answer to childhood questions: What is the purpose of
existence? - It is to keep on creating as much as we please
for as long as we please in whatever way we please…

Rules and regulations are poles planted into the soft turf of life,
with trampolines swinging between them and there are swings
high in life’s circus tent -  it is our privilege to be acrobats who
can jump over, between, on and under these poles, jumping
up and down on the trampolines - swinging through the air
as we learn how to sidestep the laws and regulations

Which can also be seen as symbols of ice-rinks with all the
possibilities to create dancing figures; we can learn how
to pull through on ingenuity, getting to know all the rules
and traits of ice-rinks for the benefit of the whole world –
changing the world for the better in the light
of the wisdom we have acquired…

22 November 2013

A Million Echoes (REVISED)

The top was not the industrial grey it was bought in anymore
but faded into a sickly yellowish-green -  like moss on an old
tree, tried everything to give it new life - wearing pearls with
macabre effect, trying the silver anchor symbol of my poet
brother - nope; added a novelty necklace – bad to worse

Wandered into a cheap clothes shop just for a look at old
stock, voilà, black top with sailor-like white stripes to go
with the anchor, left fitting room with it on before legally
bought; explained to a friendly cashier and it felt as if
the universe had conspired to lead me away from

The old towards the new which proves co-creation with
loving, intelligent forces leads us towards our dreams,
heart singing, dreaming of sending love to everything
and feel it bouncing back like a million echoes from
a very deep valley

[22 September 2013]

Don't You Agree?

Have you noticed we need explanations for
everything, doesn’t matter how fantastic or
absurd because we’ll never have peace until
explication is given, even if one of absolute
fantasy; like astronomy and quantum physics:
as long as fantasy’s disguised under the term
hypothesis & delivers practical results. It is a
perfect definition of science -

I love explanations for mysteries, mostly the
unsolved enigmas - giving us opportunity to
create reams of explanations, testing these
hypothesis against reality. If it works - if the
wheels roll and the craft flies - we’ll stick to it,
ignoring Keely’s alternatives; light harmonics,
faster-than-light antigravity devices for safe
space flights and disembodied voices from

The after-life sphere; we admire the beauty
of a Miracle Play postulating a baby born to
live a life of peace & self-discipline - these
attempts illustrate life’s possibilities, we can
try them to see if they fit our reality, thus we
make perspectives, create unique worlds, a
personal fantasy, a guiding light - it is fun,
don’t you agree?

22 November 2013

Never Spinach Ever Again (REV)

When everything went wrong, every positive expectation
I had for the day met with a negative end, I had to explain
to myself why and all I could see was the spinach I had
brought with me; trying to help with book-filled boxes in
the storeroom, I was always in the way - and this is the
day I ate spinach at work

Yuck, spinach is bad luck, I’ll never bring it to work again,
it’ll break my heart - and with it tasting so bad I ended up
eating a waffle to escape from dread - even driving home
was no fun - tomorrow I’ll drive like a fiend enjoying my life
with great things to eat - but I’ll never bring a horrible
thing like spinach ever again!

21 November 2013


[ORIGINAL:]
 
Never Ever Spinach Again

Have to explain to myself why everything went wrong,
every positive expectation I had for today met with a
negative end, the only thing I can see is the spinach I
brought with me, trying to be of help in the storeroom
with boxes full of books, I was in the way – and this is
the day I ate spinach at work
 
Yuck, spinach is bad luck, I shall never again bring spinach
to the office, it will just break my heart, tasting so bad I
ended up eating a waffle to escape from the feeling of
dread, even driving was no fun – tomorrow I shall drive
like a fiend and enjoy my life with great things to eat –
never ever spinach again!
 
21 November 2013

Living In A Trance (REVISED)

Finally achieved a mental state where my brain quietly
focuses on just one document; I prepared this weekend
living in a trance, meditating how I love my little world,
effects of sunshine in trees and turquoise water of the
pool, laughter of my children, my car’s nifty swerving,
an office where colleagues share their warmth
with everyone

The miracle took place - I live for my text, when feeling
ill I read parts of it until well and can dig in researching
terms and quirky sentences; correcting my own work as
an overall perspective brings insight in descriptions of
electric power stations, wearing my new hat when going
for a walk, returning with my focus still intact, nothing
else on earth exists, just this bubble of happiness

Don’t want to wake before the end, first must recheck
everything and give it my best shot, living in a trance
until my mission is fulfilled and I have done my best

19 November 2013

Preparing For Monday Morning [REV]

It struck me while intent on preparing mentally for
Monday morning - I’m still of a mindset preventing
me finishing a document I was checking Friday; I
wanted to reach rock bottom this weekend but did
not get depressed enough

Watching The Thin Blue Line Sunday night makes
me laugh so much maybe sinking fast isn’t needed
to be able to leap into the Monday morning routine,
complete technical research required - without my
brain switching off –

Lurking back of everything is a thought of preparing
schedules for the holidays, to rekindle worthiness
feelings as days slowly drift with no challenges or
need for accomplishment, nothing to get adrenaline
flowing; yet tonight the only thing is

Preparing for Monday morning…

[17 November 2013]

A Redneck At Heart (REVISED)

Channel-hopping to chase interesting things, found
Season Ten of So You Think You Can Dance, then
The Dragons Den and an episode of America’s Got
Talent - thunder rolling softly outside sounding like
lions satisfied and lightning wounding down

Idly wasting time as dishes wait in the kitchen, the
thunder is rolling again, those lions are not sleeping
as yet; a stuntman on TV, precocious kids dancing
and singing, a former soldier hiccupping as song
shows that rednecks really have more fun

Than the rest of us, his girlfriend wearing a pink cow-
girl hat, a group of rednecks on Nat GeoWild drinking
beer while sailing on rafts to catch jumping fish in nets
just loosely held and putting up banners to gaily inform
the world ‘Here Be Rednecks At Play’

I’m a redneck at heart, create my own fun by singing
and talking loudly - but never in the open-plan office
where I do research in a depressed trance of quiet
resignation suppressing feeling and imagination…

13 November 2013

Excitement And Adventure (Revised)

I am surprising myself by reading everything about
electricity, the deficit thereof and reasons why, now
quite saddened by the senseless violence with which
the people in Africa fight each other and destroy all
infrastructure, burning and destroying forests while
dependent on wood for cooking - again the strange
enchantment of feeling while reading has me in its
grips, my heart has been touched

And my mind is tortured by what I read of war and
reprisals, the only help is my guru insisting that we
respect the desires of others to live differently and
leave the smorgasbord of life intact - so those who
still need to act out primitive passions have a place
where they are free to do as they please; this is the
best course by far, the challenge, excitement and
adventure create heroes and saints - which is

So much more interesting than administrative life

[13 November 2013]

Grinning Happily [REVISED]

I got hold of oats and chockbitz while doing research into
electricity networks - overwhelmed by boredom, enjoying
the process of eating so much I gave up worrying about
medical advice to abstain for hopefully a pain-free life to
exist, no salt, no sugar, no carbohydrates in excess, no
wholewheat, no bran, no bread, no cake, no chocolates

No alcohol, no butter, no oil, no fat, only vegetables bland,
certain fruit and meat once a week - after trying this and
feeling super-miserable, caught in a despondent depression
causing catatonia while being insomniac; I am compelled to
dig my grave with my  teeth, at least I shall have fun before
stumbling over the proverbial banana peel and dying

Grinning happily, a chocolate in one hand and a classic
James Bond Martini in the other – Prosit!

International Yodelling Convocations [REVISED]

If ignored, whatever was wrong would go away - I thought; 
but when I could not control the notes while trying to sing as
mother played, it seemed as if sound ran away & something
had to be done - thus your insistence that I try your curry,

After a breakfast of egg-and-chips exacerbated the problem,
I have seldom felt so deeply affected by the allergy - though
it’s bad to lose my mind, losing song also is so much worse;
Mother still asked me to sing at their concert – imagine the

Chaos if I can’t find my notes while the music runs on and
the audience have to succumb – no thanks, there’s enough
failures in my past, the solo in operetta at school - a total
mess, music night at university - screeching like a crow

No way, won’t do it to myself and others again - I have not
yet found a way to keep my voice stable while reaching for
the high notes in the last line of I Walk With God, I will not
not force others to endure my attempts at singing the coda

I’ll keep my energy for pestering colleagues and the droves
of innocent security guards - yodelling on the stairwell and
laughing at my amazingly noisy imitations of International
yodelling convocations!

9 November 2013

On The Inside

Came home deeply sunk in the gloom of chemical
depression, nothing helped, not even finding three
new T-shirts for the holiday season - you allowed
me to swim until I had enough - three vegetables,
chicken- the miracle took place again; - my mind
moved from utter depression to total contentment

I pasted glitter and glue on my ears & blue police
T-shirt, the kids professed to be shocked but it had
to be a Spiel they’re used to me now; reflecting on
the day in which I had listened to endless yodelling  
on YouTube which led me to conclude that it can
only be taken in little bits only - Joan Sutherland

Made me realise one had to be in the right mood -
when sinking into depression neither dancing nor
singing on Britain’s Got Talent has any effect; the
change has to happen on the inside,  after a happy
meal my insides have changed and once again I
feel like a young maiden – it is all happening

On the inside…

6 November 2013

Interlocking Stars

Music is written down in staves, 5 parallel,
equally-spaced, horizontal lines indicting
the path for every voice and instrument to
flow in seemingly chronological sequence

Yet as the music plays the notes form a
hologram - 3-dimensional spirals moving
outwards from a central point - interlocking
stars falling from the sky in a rain of sparks

Lassoes made of notes are thrown and twirl
together forming images behind my eyes as
if a circus artiste is spinning plates on sticks
which all turn together simultaneously in 3-D

Confusing the audience, the whole orchestral
piece spreading outwards from its beginning
creating a whole new universe in melody thus
music is divine, creation is said to start with a

Central chord and maybe this is what Thomas
Otten is conveying in his swirling, mesmerising
melodies in such sweet, clear tones - beware -
you may not want to return to earth again…

The Anchor I Wear

Activity means so much less than your thoughts, Abraham says,
vibration determines the power you possess to create the world
you profess to dream into being when delight fills your mind, it is
true because as you helped me today I felt the wonder of having
a leader who is on my side all the time since family comes first
in everything, the world changed, directions and dimensions just
moved away and my heart was flooded with the joy of existence

I drank my coffee gratefully and ate triple-layered chocolate cake
gleefully, determined not to sink back into the morass of sadness
where my mind is sucked into a miniature black hole which starts
to expand until it has swallowed my whole life and only emptiness
is left where my dreams and feelings used to be - no, not today -
today I celebrate family, open my heart to the presence of some-
one who understands what I mean and amends everything when

Offered explanations of what should have been in the text on the
screen – your symbol is the anchor I wear around my neck and
my thoughts will continue to grow with the rhythms that you show
in the lines that you clinically trim to highlight the essence alone!

5 November 2013

See My Melody

A wonderful new rhyme to learn - Mokgadi,
Mimi, Mankidi and Thandi, sitting near me in
cubicles formed by loose screens, expressing
righteous indignation when I continuously ask
their names, so I wrote down a melody putting
them in the order in which they appear in the
open-plan office: Mokgadi, Mimi, Mankidi and

Thandi; like Maria teaching do re me by singing
a descriptive line for every note:  first Mokgadi
face friendly and familiar, giving me a hug, Mimi
voice and smile filling the building, then Mankidi
mirth in undetermined rhythm, Thandi, looking
shy as a smile lights up her eyes; see my melody
singing softly: Mokgadi, Mimi, Mankidi and Thandi

5 November 2013

Blurred Vision [REVISED]

I listen to Thomas Otten, blurred vision, can’t see the
miracles of life around me, wondering where he found
those melodies; my mind covered in lead, cut off from
the world by a glass wall, soul missing or dead - why,
like a criminal, do I hide these symptoms - though it’s

A crime to feel this bad in our great World. Feelings
and awareness have fled, thick chain tautens with the
daunting thoughts caging my head, discomfort denies
ideas through which escape was effected in the past - 
attack in my head hammering at the back of my skull

This litany of sad symptoms explains why I can’t tell
colleagues my feelings, too melodramatic for this little
office where they work industriously while I’m lurking
behind, scared to be seen failing and blind. Moving
pain to another location would help, with chocolate

so sweetly easing depression, allowing a radiance to
surface like swirling bubbles in a pool; a pace change
& throbbing in my head could be bearable, attempting
self-medication preferable to sitting here with nothing
but red-hot discomfort entertaining a feverish, itching

mind, complementing fuzzy images; it means rigorous
checking is too far-fetched an idea for making sure I’ve
made no mistakes - feeling much too tired to care how
grammar rules are observed - or broken - or not, in a
text composed from blurred vision…

5 November 2013

Champagne Of Shallow Breakers

Being strong, facing and solving my problems at work,
learning to face the boredom of nothing ever happening
by wearing a hat - and long black wrap over my T-shirt
as well as scarves glittering in silver and white - plus

Purple glasses and a wide smile; now to start facing the
problem of how to wear a swimsuit at the seaside - old
suit will do, though much too flimsy for the protection
required - find another black top to cover the old one

Will solve this problem just fine - wearing my purple
mask while thinking about the problem of swimming
without being too self-conscious to play in the waves
leads to the conclusion wearing clothing in layers 

Is the solution to every pitfall in appearance, with two
scarves over a grey T-shirt I survived today, preparing
for the seaside - where kids always deride my delight
in playing in the waves – claiming not even babies

Play in those shallow breakers where I tumble head
over heels in the bubbling surf; with double layers I
shall be impervious to embarrassment while rolling
in the champagne of shallow breakers…

[1 November 2013]