much worse, it feels as if everybody should forget
about me as there’s nothing to tell, nothing’s worth
mentioning; my beloved explained that he doesn’t
have the energy to listen to my narrative - after that
who can I trust to listen - and who can I listen to?
I am losing my self-confidence - the world seems
perfect & people are loving & grand - but I am not
part of it, I don’t feel a thing - as if my feelings are
dead; the world seems to be out of reach, even my
kids, my mother, my twin sis, I can’t reach out to &
I can’t find words or interest, there’s nothing to say
I can’t discuss Velikovsky’s grandiose history-view,
the changes made to describe reality - the terrible
planetary events that led to the Exodus, & Israel’s
interpretation of righteousness - there’s no-one to
talk to because I don’t matter to anyone, and how
could I matter by feeling nothing; maybe, one day,
When my beloved listens to me my feelings might
come back again, maybe when I return to work my
colleagues will laugh and sing with me, helping me
rediscover my feelings again - living in silence does
not work for me, I could never become a nun - and
the silence grows into a hole - a huge black hole
In which nothing can grow, no feeling can live - I’m
empty & slow, struggling through the molasses of
thick nothingness, the world retreats & emptiness
devours everything - I can’t even cry over my loss
as no feelings survive in this growing darkness
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