A Place Where I Can Confess

I’m leaving reality to live in a fantasy, à la Wurmbrand,
I’ve accepted that nothing ever happened according
to the stories and myths we’ve been told, so I’ve chosen
the most beautiful story – of an overall consciousness –
a long time ago represented by a godhead dying on a
cross – of unconditional love and forgiveness –

As the fantasy to guide my life, I’ve reached the bottom of
the dark pit tonight, my powers are spent, I’ve had enough
of trying to pretend that I can do what I cannot do, that
I can like what I detest – I’ve been playing charades, using
subterfuge to create the impression at work that I can sit
at a desk, with a boring screen, and a boring document

My emotions cold, my heart frozen, words ugly and false,
read prescribed texts and translate them into words that
Anglo-Saxons can understand – my powers are spent,
I have no more power in myself, I’ve got to let go of my
pride in prowess, accept I’m a fool, unfit for carrying out
routine tasks as best I can, after reading Stephanie Dowrick

It is clear that I cannot live up to my ideals of being a
person of integrity who does every job as it comes, no
matter how hard I tried, I end up dead inside, if I don’t
turn away from my job, lightning pain in my head kills
me, Stephanie says that is wrong, I should be able to –
with sheer willpower – carry out the job I’m assigned to

Hubby doesn’t want to listen, no-one else to confide in,
telling someone who does not feel the same thing is like
talking to stones, I’m alone, Wurmbrand said when they
had convinced him by brainwashing in prison that God
was dead, he tenaciously clung to the beauty of
the fantasy of there being a godhead

Who was more wonderful than anybody imagined possible,
he loved the fantasy so much, he preferred it to reality –
though tonight I feel as if nothing beautiful is true, as if it is all
a thought in my mind, I’m declaring with Wurmbrand – I’m
leaving reality, leaving all pain and deception behind, leaving
all empty cynical emptiness to live in a dream

The dream of a superconsciousness who knows about me and
who really cares, not cares like hubby who tells me the rules and
stops there, but cares enough to listen to my troubles, my sufferings,
to whom what I feel is important enough to help me instead of
shouting me down – ordering me to keep quiet, a place where
I can confess and feel better about being the dunce

At work...