The Straight And Narrow

There we go, I’ve been on the straight and narrow,
didn’t eat the wrong stuff, didn’t drink too much, yet
my right foot hurts and my neck is stiff, lying down
is once again impossible, I’m tired, yet sleep is out
of the question, I’m not in the mood for more reading,
the soprano blaring on the radio is too much for me
and Nici is usurping the TV, my new notebook does
not look inviting – I want to sleep, to rest my weary
head on a pillow, but the pillows feel like stones and
the mattress is made of rock, I’m going to dig in my
home pharmacy and take one of every kind of pill
until something works or my body is carried out of
here – but with needles and pins in my toes and my
insides unstable like this, I can’t get through the night,
if worst comes to the worst, I’ll get sloshed; apparently
there is a dimension right around ours where the mind
of the unconscious roams, if we drink or take drugs,
our mind goes there, doesn’t sound fine, but anything
will be better than this, I hate it when I’m sitting still
but my insides are moving at a million miles per hour
while my head gest ready to implode, this is the height
of uncomfortable…

Hope And Determination

Though I can’t stand out for integrity like religious
saints of old, I have the same capacity for bringing
suffering upon myself – dinner today was a killer,
though you were so happy in your creativity, Nici
as professional as a real cook, the atmosphere of
joyous insouciance, I loved the festivity, you enjoyed
using your cookbooks, not really understanding why
I regard them with a wary eye

As soon as the worms started crawling in my head,
my neck stiffened and nervous system malfunctioned,
I knew again why I can’t become a good cook, why I’m
scared of food, overcome by the way food turns upon
me and cause suffering – I could have been such a
normal person, could have groomed myself and have
friends, lived a normal life, if I were not chained to the
allergy and concomitant fear

Chemical imbalance changes me into a monster at times,
then again into a martyr, without spiritual endurance, no
religious fervour or recourse to uplifting practices, where
I dreamt of excellence in my youth, striving to be creative
and live in loving kindness, I became a recluse, living
between office and nuclear family, needing the safety of
routines in order to function, being a half-baked translator,
fleeing unsettling texts

Fleeing reality – only hope and determination
sustaining me…

No Spiritual Respite

Now’s the time to test my resolve, unable to sleep,
the direct result of my idiotic choice to eat what the
rest of the family had: hamburger patties, determined
to enjoy the illicit pleasure of white rolls also;

bravely announcing I’ll take my punishment – but now
that I’m in the situation, unable to bend my neck or sleep
at all; painkillers unable to stop the pain in my head, once
again it is painfully clear that dietary rules

are my only recourse for a better quality life, I stare at
the picture of purple fairies without seeing anything,
untouched in my steel cage of painful bars, wondering
how to apply positive teaching that the right attitude

would take the pain away – clearly I cannot master the
right concentration on a subject of meditation, I remain
in my own earthly frame, bound to this moment without
escape, stuck in space-time

the only explanation that I must have chosen suffering
before coming to the earth plane, otherwise quantum
physics and New Age theory make no sense – frankly,
right now nothing makes sense

definitely not the heavy pain in my stomach or the
iron steel tightening around my head, having failed to
master religious ecstasy, there is no respite
of a spiritual kind…

A Fairy Ring Dance

Then Sophia replied: Dear Karl,
I am safe, look, nestling next to you,
forget the nightmares of the bad times
and let’s set off into the woods to chop
some wood and build a log cabin to stay
overnight and listen to the wood sprites
and other fairy creatures dancing – maybe
they will invite us to the dance, we shall
dance in the fairy ring, and have such a
good time!

The advantage of past bad experiences is
we know we are both brave and love each
other more than anything or anybody else;
let’s be proud of ourselves and each other
and forgive our tormentors. Those people
must really hate themselves to be able to
treat others so badly; those manipulative
courtiers give me the creeps – let’s enjoy
our happiness and freedom and celebrate
with all the wood’s creatures!

Yes, said Karl, his eyes lighting up, this is a
brilliant plan, I can’t wait for each delicious
moment of this experience unfolding!

And laughing like two children, holding hands
while they wandered into the woods, they set
off to organize a dancing party with the wood’s
enchanting creatures…

My Brother Down Under

Where is your fighting spirit - I miss your angry
confabulations about all kinds of irksome poetic
devices and society’s more idiotic manifestations,
peace and forgiveness are good; but very boring
once we have been steeped in the syrup, sugar and
spice of loving, disembodied entities and so-called
higher intelligences

I’m oversaturated with their peace talks and have
no time to stalk the Internet for manifestations of
stupidity to be found there to one’s heart’s content;
no money to wade through more honeyed verses to
get to the ugly and mean; I’d better go look for a war
somewhere, overfilled with goodness we need the
bitter and sour for some balance

Have you raised a fist yet, such calm forbearance
as you’ve shown must sometimes be interspersed
with some rebellion, otherwise you’d turn into a saint,
and I can’t relate to saints at all - From a feisty Alice
in Challengeland…

My Guiding Light

Tiaan, you’ve become big and strong, but
your eyes are still young, so innocent and
impressionable, you have been exposed
to pictures on the Internet, and suddenly
knowing is bigger than you, and I crave to
hold on to you, to keep my little boy safe
from the world; yet you are too big for my
motherly embrace – only by keeping a
vision of you as safe, successful and brave,
can I sleep at night, only by praying that
your guardian angel will never forsake you,
can I see you off at the door – my vision
is firmly in place, the prayer never leaves
my heart – you look so grown-up and smart
in your school uniform, suddenly you’ve
been taken up in a time warp – but you
are vulnerable underneath the smart new
exterior, and I love you so very, very much;
and the vision of your elfin face happy in
laughter is my guiding light…