Hope And Determination

Though I can’t stand out for integrity like religious
saints of old, I have the same capacity for bringing
suffering upon myself – dinner today was a killer,
though you were so happy in your creativity, Nici
as professional as a real cook, the atmosphere of
joyous insouciance, I loved the festivity, you enjoyed
using your cookbooks, not really understanding why
I regard them with a wary eye

As soon as the worms started crawling in my head,
my neck stiffened and nervous system malfunctioned,
I knew again why I can’t become a good cook, why I’m
scared of food, overcome by the way food turns upon
me and cause suffering – I could have been such a
normal person, could have groomed myself and have
friends, lived a normal life, if I were not chained to the
allergy and concomitant fear

Chemical imbalance changes me into a monster at times,
then again into a martyr, without spiritual endurance, no
religious fervour or recourse to uplifting practices, where
I dreamt of excellence in my youth, striving to be creative
and live in loving kindness, I became a recluse, living
between office and nuclear family, needing the safety of
routines in order to function, being a half-baked translator,
fleeing unsettling texts

Fleeing reality – only hope and determination
sustaining me…