Calm and Well (Revised)

As a child I hated the life I was born into,
detested humanity, averse to everything about
my overexcited brain in a family where the misery
of nervous tension was normality – no-one ever
calmed down – led to multiple allergies

The body changes when a new personality asserts;
as a child I inadvertently programmed myself to
think of mealtimes and food as the worst possible
experience in my life, mind in overdrive as
family interaction drove me nearly insane

Today I can’t eat breakfast unless the allergic
reaction food triggers is mollified by migraine
medication – if I eat something wholesome to
stabilise blood sugar, unbearable depression
and pain reduces me to a zombie state

I am Marvin the Paranoid Android, a state
so unnatural doctors and dieticians cannot
rectify it, I live a precarious balance between
excessive pain and being comfortable as a
submissive human being

I marvel at the Dog Whisperer – my psyche is an
anxious, uncalmable dog unable to live in the now,
maybe my brain is that of a canine who needs the
right discipline – if only I knew how to provide it
in order to feel calm and well permanently


[When I eat whole-wheat breakfast cereal my eyes go out of focus,
electricity dance in leaping flames in my head and I become too
depressed to pick up my pen – or anything else. When I eat other
things like fatty bacon and eggs or chicken mayonnaise, a migraine
pill relieves the distress and I do not become so depressed – simply
put on weight at an alarming rate, nearly choking myself with the
growing girth around my midriff – and eating nothing is not possible
as hunger and light-headedness make working and concentration im-
possible. I am still trying to reprogram my mind to reprogram my
body to secrete different chemicals in different amounts, convinced
that life as a calm, stable, submissive canine type would be much
easier without the horrific allergy symptoms. My diary notes
explain all this.]