Just As You Are (Revised)

Love isn’t idyllic tender romance, it is an ideal,
a dream; while unhappy relations are built
on dependency, happy relations associate
self-esteem, respect and dignity

Your happiness derives from work and sacrifice
ignoring needs for deference, freedom and joy,
such self-sacrifice without appreciation makes
you feel alone and confused, does not teach

Manners commanding respect; love ideally
as noble aspirations, joy and integrity has to
be learned, it does not derive glibly from
what we covetously look upon

Love is a perspective, an ability to project on
all things beautiful aspects; service does not
beget love and harmony; I cannot accept the
same emotional abuse you are used to

I offer you my sisterly love as affection, not an
exploitation, will spoil you rotten as a beloved
sister, NOT as dependent or helper, I love
you because you are worthy

I honour your dignity and abhor it when
others don’t honour you too; I love you
within the perspective of a wonderful
sister – just as you are…

Wisdom The Key (Revised)

The questionnaire classified me as a problem
case with low root Chakra; it arose from when
I replied ‘No’ to questions whether I trust people
– they implied love means the same as trust

I love people unconditionally and accept their
shortcomings respectfully – including stupidity;
I believe people all have good intent but lack
wisdom, that is why I love them regardless

I do not trust anyone’s judgment because they
lack the mental equipment to obtain benefit for
themselves, much less for anybody else – my
love is not based on their intelligence

It is based on enjoyment of the beauty and variety
they add to life; I bestow trust as a highest honour
only a few earn by acting with honourable and
dignified nobility in being wise enough

To admit and rectify mistakes – I never trust public
figures or authority, self-serving power or selfish
individuals, although I love cheerfully cheeky
criminals who make life fun

I respect their right to be false, honour their duplicity
by keeping temptation far away – I only trust my core
family, my dad who keeps my secrets, my big brother
for showing such integrity

ALL others have freedom to act as they please; I ex-
pect nothing from them given difficulties in balancing
average relationship equations – so it is thus Love
means acceptance of ‘what is’

While Trust means a firm knowledge of the ability
of the beloved to implement their good intent;
WISDOM is the key that enables anybody to
live a life of love, safeguarding such trust…

Dance and Sing

It irks me terribly when someone upsets the natural rhythm
of my sentences when I write a translation, it is a given that
one should say ‘aesthetically pleasing’ as the rhythm is just
right; then grammar-conscious pedantic translators change
it to ‘pleasing aesthetically’

Their insistence on messing up the rhythm so the tongue
falters as lines run on drives me wild with frustration, then
they insist I should reread the unmusical text lacking all
beauty as jargon and grammar rules preclude all use of
galloping rhythm and metre

It feels like they are plunging a knife in my heart when they
destroy the music in words and lines; no need for rhymes
which are infantile, my only dream is speed - cascading
breathlessly until reaching a marvellous end, an
unexpected conclusion

Why do we have to live life in an assembly line of dead
words without the sound of music filling the ears; I accept
being Not Fully Functional if meeting that requirement
means dying inside – I am still too passionate, words
always dance and sing in my heart!

How The Dinosaurs Died (Revised)

How develop evergreen self-esteem when yesterday’s
regime – 2 kinds of rolls, fresh and warm– can be seen
in swollen eyelids and facial expression effect

‘Tis unfair to know all bread and dough is explicitly
forbidden, ‘tis so unfair it strengthens my theory the
dinosaurs’ extinction was also due to wheat allergy

Forced to subsist on grass and grain, they expired with
sinuses swollen, unseeing eyes, low blood sugar and
muscle weakness, all symptoms of food intolerance

It caused their universal demise; I shall not force my
surmise on science but until I die I shall be the only
one who intimately knows how the dinosaurs died!


[ORIGINAL:]

Eyelids swollen, how to develop evergreen self-esteem
when yesterday’s regime – two kinds of rolls, fresh and
warm – can be seen in the effect on my facial skin?

‘Tis unfair, it is, it is, to know all kinds of bread and dough
is forbidden, ‘tis so unfair, strengthening my theory that
dinosaurs went extinct being allergic to wheat like me

Forced to subsist on grass and grain, they expired with
swollen sinuses and unseeing eyes, low blood sugar and
muscle weakness, all symptoms of food intolerance

This caused their universal demise; I shall not force my
surmise on scientific men, but until I die, I shall be the
only one who knows how the dinosaurs died!


‘Evergreen self-esteem’ – Coined by Terry Pratchett in
his new book “Snuff” [Lord Rust, p. 62]

Emotional Upheaval

Only Terry Pratchett can be forgiven for irreverently sending
an unrefined Sam Vines into the pristine company of Pride
and Prejuduce - calling this classic a silly romance

Vimes launches into a diatribe against the stifling gentility that
held rich people enthralled within a useless existence, tells
author Jane Austen to write about

Corpses, murder and war – a cross between Mickey Spillane
and Margaret Mitchell; I love his advice about earning one’s
own keep leading to self-esteem

Enjoy the psychological tension Austen described – without
much action she creates more excitement and emotional
upheaval than Mike Hammer and

Scarlett O’Hara combined – only Wuthering Heights and
Jane Eyre can rival Jane Austen in making me
experience hallucinations!

Snuff – Terry Pratchett; Doubleday 2011
pp 69-72

Shivers Of Excitement

Lord Vetinari understands the human psyche so well
he thinks smuggling is rather swell, develops enterprise,
stealth and original thinking, allowing average people
to experience shivers of excitement

Lord Vetinari recommends everyone to break the law in
delightfully delicious ways from time to time, it keeps the
brain sane - lovely advice; though I break the law simply
because my brain wiring is wrong - it still is

Necessary to combat the pangs of conscience when my
brain synapses misfire while I am paid to play at being a
machine, a robot on autopilot, the problem being auto-
function is non-existent in me - it seems

Just to be alive is already a transgression against the well-
regulated people I meet who enjoy being machines and
do not know the meaning of the term existential crisis;
they KNOW they were born to serve

While I always suspect a conspiracy to hide that we were
born to LIVE – to have fun while knowing we can’t get it
done, there is no objective right or wrong, simply a set
of self-made human rules

Snuff – Terry Pratchett, Doubleday, 2011
Quotes from pp 18&19

Uplift The Soul

When kind people tell uninformed nobodies like me
their definition of a poem and poetry I love it, how
outraged they seem when discovering accounts of
small time events which I force on those innocently
wandering the sacred streets of real poetry

Knowing such highly gifted and perfectly informed
critics are there makes us feel safe, they carry the
banner of rules and regulations, metre, rhyme and
rhythm, we can all sleep easy with such Wardens as
custodians of literary device and charm, to sleuth a

Scotland Yard for us; make us follow the classical
poetry of Ovid and Vergil and seek to promote
the Italian sonnet as replicated diligently in just
one way; although impossible for an imbecile
like me to improve, I appreciate their solicitude

I beg them to kindly forgive my maverick effusions
as joie die vivre, as freedom to do my thing when
not translating source texts that bore, it leads me
down the path to literary perdition, of innovation
and enthusiastic improvisation, there is no hope

Of mending my ways while words are untethered
and running free in my head; I refuse to don the
mind-forged manacles William Blake lamented,
do not walk the streets to comment on suffering;
read little books for little people; uplift the soul

No Place For Me

While reading my book making me smile with its lovely
message, someone else listened to a serious sermon
delivered by a male voice in an American accent which
leaves me untouched, I realized that all my notions of
principle, morality and love were gained from authors of
my favourite books

My ideas were formed after discovering the hero of my life
at age nine, since then I have never looked back again, when
the protagonist declared noble emotions do not emanate from
what we see, but are fabricated by ourselves in our minds, I
started constructing my own ideals, strengthened by the
example of my Leo mother

The Queen of Hearts who taught single-minded fixation
to the point of self-suffocation – that was when I realised
it’s better to branch out into inter-subjectivity also, had to
search for my opposite to counter all these dreams I had
inherited from an idolised mother who never listened to
anyone, paying the price for obduracy

Who never tried to combat her own faults by allowing others
to guide; I sought leaders and masters, learnt as much as I
could about consensus reality, only there was no place in it
for me; I kept reading until I found my niche; though I can’t
meet boring requirements, I can be joyous while
dreaming - which is all I want

While following the wise rules that keep me safe from old age
desolation and want…

In Heaven

Two Leo’s in class – French professeur from Allianče
Frančaise and student from le Service du Changement
Climatique who wrote a a theme song for COP, oh wow,
what joy, my professeur hates grammar and politics as
much as I do

Speaks Afrikaans fluently, hates acronyms, refuses to look
at them, loves teaching, gave up translation as boring, talks
to her computer; Shumi, student who sings songs & dresses
beautifully; starting on Gaulois, ending up with Camel before
Marius ran off

We talked about maquillage - not wearing make-up and having
fun – finally my patience paid off, no need to fall asleep in a
class discussing cut-throat politics – I must have died
and woken in heaven - methinks!


Professeur – Christine de Groot
Student – Mishumo Madima

A Gothic Horror

Thank you for representing life as a Gothic horror
with the nerve-wrecking shocks of demented men,
dad as Heathcliff, mom as Mr Rochester’s mad first
wife and you a strange mixture between Jane Eyre
and the rebellious Catherine

Thank you for recreating ‘Great Expectations’ in which
you are Pip, for describing your life in Sherwood with
Robin Hood among the criminal poor, adding scenes
of the Phantom’s life in his nightmare underworld lair,
yet, I cannot share the stage with you

I am following the narrative imperative of Pratchett’s
Discworld series, applying Mary Poppins’ advice in a
wild dance through the mutable universe depicted in
Bedknobs and Broomsticks - balancing this edifice
with ideals and visions; therefore

Thank you for adding Edgar Allan Poe and Artemis
Fowl to the pastoral scenes of my slow-moving life,
I shall remember you believe that intrigue is the
staple of life as I am sitting quietly, waiting for
the White Rabbit to pass by again…

Unique, Eccentric Things

Women over age forty complain they are invisible
to men, must appear young and lie about age for
attention - this problem does not exist for people
like me who never caught the male eye because
we never appealed by attending to them

It is hard work to idealise anyone and the loss of
cheap admiration seems to be an advantage as
fake charm to exploit a dame never held interest,
older women should rejoice that they are free
from false compliments to court their favour

Women who complain about this benefit must
have been used to wolf-whistles; since my pre-
occupations kept me safe from such practices
I don’t suffer losing superficial meaningless
things - I have little sympathy with

Feminine types who live for compliments, yet
can appreciate the variety they provide; never
want individual ideas to be lost; I love unique,
eccentric things for the interesting contrast
they always provide through their being

Human Psyche

Look at the nature of reality and learn to
manipulate it intelligently, our thoughts
are real and create physical reality

We take our knowledge with us when we
leave, if we don’t realise we create reality
ourselves, we have to return

To learn that what we encounter is inner
reality objectified, love originates in our-
selves, not in what we see

We envision the beauty we seem to per-
ceive and everything starts and ends
within the mind, therefore

I wish to cultivate mine, try to invent new
dreams and seek the meaning of life
in the human psyche

Topsy-Turvy

We are fantasies come alive
manifestations of consciousness
realizations of ideas and visions
the universe is one interpretation
of innumerable alternatives, more
than 99 per cent of the measurable
content of our physical dimension is
invisible dark matter, the demonstrable
effect of invisible energy – all mass is
solidified power to be released
when required

Trying to turn this topsy-turvy, arguing
the material universe came first leads
to insoluble conundrums – logic and
planning are part of my assumptions,
I do not visualise hit-and-run attempts
until random hits start to form patterns,
it is irrational and contrary to common
sense, I subscribe to the spiritual theory
that awareness came first and the rest of
the universe has been created to learn to
deal with experience…

Magical

Love people unconditionally which means
never expect anything, simply enjoy their
existence as you enjoy flowers and trees
they are not there for you, only remaining
aloof you will know peace while delighting
in their diversity, never trust them as they
are not placed on earth to be worthy, like
you - we are all here to enjoy the journey
not to serve anybody - here to have fun
and never get it done - and only ever be
judged by ourselves - which means we
are all worthy of self-esteem;
magical, isn’t it?

Blessing in Disguise

You are happy, enjoying self-pity - but
no fun for me - no freedom to be myself
while you lament your life, spending time
in sackcloth and ashes

Feels like fire and brimstone to me; there is
no helping certain people and I am one of
them; as of now I shall read my book
patiently till you start to count

Your many blessings; it might even dawn
on you that the bane of your life – ME –
was a blessing in disguise also, after
all I tried, this day is lost

And so be it, why should it be
different?

Final Dry Remark

Our quiet school days were immensely enriched
when we read Short Stories by Herman Charles
Bosman, Oom Schalk Lourens feeling inferior as
he lay in old clothes under Abjaterskop while being
sniffed by a curious old leopard

A young girl thinking it quite commonsense for a young
man to dive under the blanket every time a policeman
appears; a congregation singing Ps 119 all verses when
the pastor falls unconscious, church elders drinking
Communion wine to keep going

The anecdotes all end with a final dry remark, the irony
building on the innocuous beginning - when the pastor
wakes up he thinks the service started at night and
instructs the congregation to start singing, Ps 119
all verses, the congregation flummoxed

The effect is hilarious, intoxicated elders leading the
broken singers exhausted after eight hours of
incessant singing...

Most Romantic

Rituals are wonderful, the marvellous ritual of
greeting beloved landmarks, when we were
small my sister and I used to greet a bridge
we passed frequently, I greeted a house
resembling an over-decorated cake

Nowadays I greet three wonderful white houses
as we drive to work, wondering about impressive
styles, how could their forms have evolved - the
third being the most romantic: a Baroque wall
with a glimpse into a sloping garden

Just a whiff of a gigantic house, luxurious, sprawling,
green poplars all round – whenever my attention
wavers and I do not see the last glowing white
residence so impressive; I feel cheated, can’t
wait for tomorrow to say hello…

Love These Figurines

Every afternoon I catch the sun gilding my little
menagerie of figurines and wonder at it, knowing
the sun sent these golden beams makes me so
happy, my two mermaids (I prefer two of every-
thing) and the two small fairies on a sailor’s
chest, the porcelain shepherdess

The sun is mischievous, showing the dust clearly,
one day I shall get a glass dome for my group, now
just watching the sunlight creating theatrical effect,
no need to burn this image into my eyes to keep it
in my mind as the sun dims - I run to the study,
switch on the light to regard

Two miniature mermaids, the broken fairy, legs
covered in glitter, mounted on a bejewelled
mirror, I love these beautiful
figurines…

Diary Notes: Monday 16/01/2012

1. The slight headache of this morning has now become
a vortex of discomfort in which I am twisting and turning
as pressure increases, all sense of responsibility lost, I’m
forced to see a doctor for antibiotics to combat infection or
whatever other ailment is wreaking such havoc, I cannot
watch the screen, no coherent sentence forms as I read;
all I know is strangulation and suffocation and existing in
such a concentration camp situation means I am wasting
the minutes of my life in existential pain…

2. My attempt at altruism came to naught when the blood
blank vampires rejected my offering on the grounds that
72 hours before donating no medication may be taken -
the migraine pill I took this morning disqualifies me and
thus I cannot realize any philanthropic desire to be of
service to my fellow man

Frontal brain lobes have closed down, I am reduced to
the reptilian brain stem which reacts with fight and flight
to stimuli, I shall see the quack on Wednesday to tame
the rebellious brain cells refusing to fire even when
lots of serotonin is secreted, complaints would mess
up the evening at home

Now I must suppress these problems and lift my chin,
nose in the air, wearing an all-encompassing grin…

Space Unlimited

1. Foolish Enterprise

Struck dumb, overcome by this day’s exigencies,
opening a document written in Tunisian legalese,
no Internet access, looking up terms deepens the
mystery, no email messages, no communication

Mental files locked in a mist of incomprehension,
eyes flickering, images on screen moving, trying
to get anything done when my brain is on the
blink proves to be a foolish enterprise…


2. Space Unlimited

A spiritual website claims Internet communication is
only an externalization of an already flourishing tele-
pathic network between minds everywhere, I cannot
agree, it seems to me my mind is closed in its own
experience and nothing leaks into another person’s
head as I am sitting here

No osmotic movement of information between the
sources of awareness which comprises everything
in existence according to another spiritual source, I
love the idea that sources of five-sensory evidence
are endowed with consciousness as attested to by
non-verbal communication

Through chemical signals by ants, bees, trees and
the electromagnetic agitation on lie-detectors con-
nected to philodendrons by their loving owners; I
remain unaware of such messages since human
antennae cannot be tuned to these wavelengths,
when spirit separates from body

Vibration will no longer be limited to a holographic
universe constituted by the laser-light of a prism-
brain forming surrounding frequencies into sound,
light and form; consciousness free to experience
Ding-An-Sich, being without sense interference,
free from assumptions and preconceptions

Unlimited universes existing in parallel dimensions,
infinite, eternal; probability, improbability, potential,
possibility and impossibility realized according to
taste without trespassing on the other universes
of every single individual, floating free in space
unlimited – now this makes sense to me!

**** **** **** **** **** **** **** ****

After writing the above my head feels lighter, as if
the heavy thoughts were taken out to be stored in a
pensieve, now I can breathe, the content is dense,
few might endeavour to understand the meaning,
yet this lovely feeling of relief helps me to sit here
without the pain of total isolation…

I Understand

She believed she was a gift to the world,
a gift from God, therefore others should
provide while she made the plans, dreamt
the dreams, cherished visions

She believed she was a holy person, a martyr
for God’s work, all money was hers to dispense
as she pleased, she dreamt for everyone in the
family while they had to provide for themselves

Possessions left in her care were quickly given to
the poor, munificent care for criminal welfare, taking
everything family earned to spend in lavish gestures
of charity, never telling who the donors has been

Using her mother’s pension and her husband’s income
under her own name, neither told her children who they
should thank for food on the table, nor told her daughter
her father provided the money mother gave so graciously

There are no mysteries, when I look at what is happening,
I understand…

Best Twin

Crying she came, GPS not working, Googlemaps
not serving its purpose, got lost, but here she is,
I comforted her, the driver is dumb, you are the
sweetie, sit down, open your gift, just as you
dreamed: a crystal cake stand, so beautiful,
you gave me a hat, knowing my fear of sun
on my head, the rest of me enjoying it

Her account of family: Mom suffering; healthy right
leg twitching at night; hip replacement left leg pain-
ful all day long, living in pain, praying for a miracle
no divine punishment, the simple consequence of
shortsightedness, no medical fund, no retribution
for sin, lack of financial acumen- may her spirit
escape the used-up body real soon

You bought me an asthma pump, I managed to
breathe freely – THIS is your real birthday gift
enabling me to inhale – thank you so much,
you are the greatest sister, the best twin
there is!

Having The Experience

Knowledge of realms beyond this reality is non-
verifiable, used in creating mental universes, not
useful for constructing inter-subjective consensus,
diversity is great for its own sake, the eccentric and
unique are assets only when they are original, never
made into a norm to be enforced

Unique experiences are individual possessions, we
are free to refuse anything disseminated in a quest
for sameness - I sometimes succumb to the desire
for acceptance by joining a group, it ends in disaster,
innate distrust of forcing one will on others prevents
me from playing charades for happiness’ sake

Unique experience seems too precious to be made
subservient to another, the personal mental world
is to be treasured, not elevated and disseminated
as gospel rules, proselytizing militates against all
I passionately defend and so I remain alone,
neither leader nor follower, enjoying the

Illusions of collective reality; accepting only sensory
information for universal communication, keeping
feelings and thoughts for unlimited possibility,
excitingly mysterious, valid only for the
individual having the experience…

Beyond Love

Beyond belief, beyond love,
is a delight, an ecstasy unique
of happiness complete

Irrespective of creed and
belief, religion and cult,
New Age and the occult

Good and bad is the same
if no Deity, we can do
all the evil we want

Or if there is no God we
must do the good He
would did He exist

Christ, the biggest atheist,
saw people suffering and
never said: God bless

He helped everyone, so
people asked: Is He
God - perchance?


Quotes from “In God’s Underground”
- Richard Wurmbrand; WH Allen

Cannot Be Comforted

Have not given myself permission to worry, but
no amount of self-discipline can stop me from
being terribly unhappy about Tiaan feeling ill –
nausea and vomiting until his hernia started
bleeding - just wanted everything perfect for
my son undergoing a small procedure closing
an opening as big as a golf ball

His dad took him to emergency, though I trust all
will be well, I dislike what is happening here, hate
that he has to go through this horrible experience
my book says there is advantage in every situation,
maybe we gain wisdom through suffering, but a
mother cannot be comforted when watching
her children face such challenges

Fascination With Alien Information

I love reading about alien abductees, love
speculation about crop circles and strange
visitations, learning about occult communi-
cation, warbled voices from space, infinite
universes and proliferating lifeforms

Terry Pratchett’s irreverent account of go-
vernments successfully hushing up alien
encounters due to alien embarrassment
about abducting one another while making
crop circles and mutilating animals

To such an extent that all alien races are
banned from Earth until they determine
how many real humans they have really
abducted given a gloomy suspicion
they have only one large, hairy

Neanderthal – is a hit, though it will not
end my fascination with alien information
as I do not care about proof, mere hal-
lucination provides enough stimulation
to enrich my imagination


“Hogfather” Terry Pratchett, Victor
Gollancz, 1996, footnote on p 154

Where Do I Belong (4th revision)

Cannot escape, cannot lift off to leave
life behind; though reading of amazing
affection, a sensitive heart filled with love
driving emptiness and misery away, I’m
still caged in darkness without reprieve

Stranded in depressive doldrums but
unable to place a cause – given my son’s
operation is routine and we’re able to
afford best treatment anyway, why feel
so bad, where is the missing ideal

Being the best assembly-line translator,
assisting colleagues & clients, mother of
two independent kids needing only money
& material aid not our physical presence
or leadership; other than living life with

Integrity, I’m empty – if Life’s purpose is
caring for small beings some might think
me a crocodile, yet in a reptilian way,
gently carrying small crocodiles in my
mouth with the very best

Now just a translator in need of a lodestar,
an ideal to provide inspiration, none remain
to sustain me, my loved ones independent,
forced to focus on new things, to ask
where do I belong…

Feel Wonderful

I feel wonderful, saw the specialist today
he shall operate on Thursday, Tiaan shall
be back in school next Wednesday, the
surgeon looks so competent, I can trust
him with the life of my child

Took Nici driving today, bought a pillow for
her to sit on when I realised she could not
see the sides of the car, accompanied Tiaan
and Martin to the hospital, fell asleep in the
consulting room because

Nici bought me a sweet ice-cream; I was
dismissed by Martin; returned in time to
hear the doctor’s verdict - all is fine - I
realized how wonderful my world; how
much I want to thank you for

Enabling me to express my thoughts when
I felt mute and autistic, enclosed within
myself – thank you so much…

Unlock My Mind

Can’t see, can’t think, can’t feel, dark inside, sitting
in the light with my colleagues, breathing darkness,
saw a psychopath on TV last night killing everyone
in sight, no remorse, feeling like I do now, losing all
connection to life, inability to work out what is wrong
keeps me at my post, reading official texts of which
one is lost, search function reveals it in archives

If only I could search, find and unlock my mind to
release it from mental archives also - I might just
be able to function, till then I remain a psychopath,
though lacking the charismatic energy of last night’s
criminal to commit any nefarious deeds - feeling
too tired to make any decisions, too tired to live
while lacking the know-how to die; what an

Awful situation, head stuffed with lead…

Lives Complete

My beloved daughter came home in a flurry of
stories about feeding lambs, killing foxes and
sleeping outside on a farm in Namibia as well
as a stream of complaints about her room - I
put her trinkets away for visiting family

Her bedroom lights inexplicably won’t switch on,
her dad gets the brunt of that - I reacted like an
autistic child, my lips did not know how to smile,
listening in silence to everything she said, only
when I was alone expressing my joy

In song, singing old Dutch hymns at the top of my
voice, joy coursing through my veins, my child safe,
I rub her back and listen to her sermons about the
sanctity of her room – just the way I want it to be,
her dad changed from a wound-up spring to

Being relaxed, the smile right round his face, our
lives complete, he already lecturing her on the
year’s course, she listening with a grin, what
joy, what delight, living in a state of grace…

Strangely Substantial

I live with the Discworld view that everything, reality
and idea, comes into existence when created by
imagination, continuing in narrative

All-That-Is is the product of thought processes, everybody
interacts within temporary illusions brought about and
maintained by intersubjective consensus

It works as long as we remain in physical bodies to keep
these illusions alive; energy, intelligent and aware,
manifests freely, flowing towards everything

We are as unreal as the legends and myths we create, all
things are only as relevant and applicable as we choose
to make them; we are as strangely substantial

As the thoughts and ideas in our heads - I base my dreams
on the following elements: Delight in Manifestation, Joy in
Variety, Wisdom as Reason and Love as Respect

My life is woven of the visions and ideals by which we
transcend spacetime in blissful spirals of infinitely
continuing improvement…

Ten Minutes After and End

TEN MINUTES AFTER

Ah, ten minutes after my lamenting the hernia fate
the GP called, catching up at the end of the day, he
says it’s to be fixed by a surgeon, tomorrow I get the
report to start calling his office, my son laughing and
pulling my leg

His dad understood my earlier lament, now the ball is
rolling, time to do something about the hernia, started
when my son was ten, never told his parents while he
felt it, a small kid living in fear of cancer – if only he had
told us before – no harm done

As long as we can have it fixed, I am so glad - now
I can dance a jig!


WHERE IS THE END?

I am depressed and have no reason to be,
just a small operation after taking a sonar
my son’s hernia is to be fixed, so why do
I feel so restless; the GP promised to call

Of course he did not - I tried to translate
Interpol messages, found most of it so in-
comprehensible, no rational faculties left,
cannot express emotions, if I have any

How does one pass the time until it is clear
a beloved child is fine? - I think one has to
trust as directing attention to a desired out-
come will bring it about; but what of the time

Passing between the desire for his well-being
and his life being fine & tonight we can’t do
anything about it at all, time insists to stand
still; I KNOW he shall be healthy in the end

But all I ask is - where is the end?

Abandoned (Revised)

I am a machine, replaying in French an
expression of English synonyms so bare
of feeling my mind empties, spirit dissolves,
soul absconds; my chair contains an empty
shell of dark despair

I hope my spirit returns, soul again whole
after retrieving scattered fragments from
ends of the earth, I am so lonely without
feelings - utter loneliness remains the only sensation,
a curtailed sensory event, an

appearance without emotional investment
abandoned at the outer layer of life, no access
to warmth of feeling and meaning inside

May Her Dreams Be

Mother falling asleep in her chair while
writing Bible verses in a journal for hours,
face buried in her book, claiming to sleep
well at night but unable stay awake during
the day, falling asleep during meals

May her dreams be sweet, accompanied by
music she made everywhere she went, may
her last hours of repose be filled with
wonderful memories and the fire in her
spirit burn ever brighter with time

May the broken hip heal or remedies be
intimated - may certainty of life everlasting
fill her with joy as the physical body finds
it difficult to support a spark of life, may
she share the wonder of existence

With her loved ones on earth until the last
moment of her consciousness in this
dimension, may she be deliriously happy
when she discovers the myriad universes
that make up the eternal inifinity

Of non-physical life everlasting…

Imaginative Additions

When feeling ‘happy’ as in
content, self-confident and
justified, we can work well

When feeling ‘unhappy’ – dis-
comfort, self-doubt, being un-
wanted - we can’t do anything

All activities which exclude
imaginative additions are
repetitive and boring

While things which give free
rein to the imagination seem
very interesting and enhance

Ability and work capacity…

Burying My Head

My system cannot process maize which I ate
yesterday, today I feel like crying and burying
my head under a blanket - it makes sense why
my ancestors, the dinosaurs, died out trying to
survive on a diet of wheat and maize

Dinosaurs probably committed suicide under the
deep depression caused by food intolerance - I
can’t prove this, but the compression in my head
is terrible so I become irresponsible – usually this
absurd idea makes me laugh, but

Nothing works right now, a breakfast of oily fries and
a thousand year old Frankfurter which the Wimpy
must have dug out of the tundra only worsened
the situation, no pill helps, I must suffer the con-
sequences of my wild indulgence

The food allergy takes all my energy, no wonder
I never get around to doing the really interesting
stuff by which other people entertain themselves!

Work Poems 3 January 2012

1. FIRST THOUGHTS

First morning back, holiday eyes strain through multifocals
which will not focus on a widescreen, work email won’t open,
password can’t be changed, no access to G-drive documents,
clearly some ‘me’-time here

Time to reorganise papers and drawers, fill in 2012 diary,
get ready for the Maya’s predicted end, should their
calendar be right – I sincerely doubt this as doomsday
prophecies have horrible tendencies to be wrong

Hunger pangs remind me I am far from my kitchen,
cannot make pancakes with cinnamon, sugar and lemon,
sudden cold shock realising I am once again at the
mercy of fast-food restaurants –

Oh woe is me, the only joy in life left the elderly, eating,
becomes a fight for survival whereas at home it is a
24 hour delightful pastime!


2. GODS FAVOURED ME

Heat – no air-con today – realising France’s dream of
saving their coastline due to the Greenhouse effect,
went for a lunch-break stroll singing all the way,
refusing to contemplate office problems

The gods favoured me on my first day, email connection
restored, now I am so privileged to read criticism of the
work I did before leaving on holiday, I am still girdling
my loins with positive thoughts

Before tackling heartbreaking rejection of words I wrote,
New Year’s Resolution: never face today what can be
deferred to tomorrow, stop and smell the roses, I can
read nasty remarks any time

The mere fact of having an office in which to be miserable
is such a source of joy and delight, not to be spoilt with
feelings of inadequacy; why cry about the humours of
those in charge trying to convince me I am

A disaster because I cannot write the words they dictate,
cannot march to the tune they prescribe, kept in my place
by them changing their translation rules every day - I am
thankful that I can still think and feel after years

As a civil servant, I should have turned into a cyborg ages
ago, yet the incessant stream of criticism proves I am still
the same human I was at the beginning – people like me
cannot be changed into robots

No matter how much criticism is directed our way, olé!


3. CYBORG-ROBOTIC MODE

Checking the work I did in cyborg-robotic mode, though I
resemble Marvin the Paranoid Android more than Arnold
Schwarzenegger’s character in Terminator, pleased with
the lack of mistakes, the cold work of a true civil servant,
sans mind, sans reason, sans feelings

This brilliant document a testament to a human being’s
ability to exist like a vegetable, joyfully restricted to its
own phenomenology as preached by Zen Buddhists -
not asking for meaning, no existential question, a way
of being totally happy advocated by those

Seeking such blissful existence; though it is peaceful, it
is also absolutely boring, my unwilling submission to this
system only proves we are destined for a passionately
emotional universe, we serve in penitence for survival
to eat, drink, dress and sleep - but in non-physical

Where consciousness continues unabated, we shall be
free to experience feeling intense - as physical reality
will no longer dicate every mental step we take
along the way…

Probability Curves

The lovely little antichrist, Adam Young, says at the
end of ‘Good Omens’ by Pratchett - if he declences
Armageddon and the Apocalypse and the forces of
hell defeats humankind calling down the wrath of
the heavenly hosts

Only one gang would be left and soon its members
would fight each other: the only way to peace is for
all life to cease and who wants that? Adam defeats
the four horsemen cum motorbikers, of the Apo-
calypse; continues his lovely life

Discovering the delights of this universe with variety
infinite - a myriad opinions - all different, enriching,
any Doomsday Prophecy merely wishful thinking
on the side of fanatic fundamentalists who want
to dominate one victorious gang

It is impossible in this quantum universe, probablitiy
curves create fields of possibility - no prediction is
guaranteed, no end-of-world threat carries final
authority, no single creed can ever claim final
victory – we are free, Free, FREE!

“You cannot kill everybody who doesn't agree with you,
if you kill enough you'll soon be down to just you guys
disagreeing with each other… you can never get to where
you want to be by pushing against what you don’t want”
[Quoted from Abraham and Esther Hicks]

“Good Omens” Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman - Main
character called Adam Young instead of Daimien, never
undergoes influences of Evil Nanny and Hell Hound be-
cause the demon placed on earth to lead him into sub-
jecting the earth to the devil, lost track of him immediately
after his birth; he was raised as a rural happy-go-lucky
English boy who enjoys playing Spanish Inquistition and
dreams about the strange phenomena of Charles Fort and
wonders about spontaneous human combustion; a whole
universe of discovery waiting for him, he will have
no truck with world destruction!