Amalgam Of Dreams (REVISED)

Tackled a ‘bureaucratic’ political text yesterday –
made such a mess it depressed me awfully, wasted
time and energy; succumbed to temptation hoping
to feel similar elation experienced buying special
writing paper, bought more at the same store

Enjoyed peering into its shiny cellophane binding,
Nici sneers at my taste, I love romance, promise,
horizons – not end products obscuring symbolism;
‘Strictly Come Dancing’ tonight – gown gazing at
what I’ll never wear, steps I cannot do – all

Added to the land of dreams I dance in with noble
lords, princes, kings – where my beloved appears
in a million guises, always true, never staying the
same yet reminding me of you, growing anew with
every fresh picture added

Tonight events will alter scenes but symbolism and
values within remain untouched, pristine dreams of
integrity and high ideals forever living in my heart,
enriched by the things I see; we are free to choose
those on which we want to rest our eyes, I choose

YOU, beloved, an amalgam of dreams…

Where Time Is A Space

Another “Philadelphia Experiment” film, great material,
when the ship the USS Eldridge (eldritch, magic, get it?)
vanished into superspace in 1942, it became accessible
from any other time period, here it is accessed yet again
 
From 2012 through an evil experiment and an American
Policeman gets on board while the electrician gets off, the
ship has to return to 1942 to enable the scientists in 2012
to shut off the generators increasing the electrical field
 
A time loop from any moment in time can be formed back
to the original, an infinite number of stories told about the
original crew’s bodies melding with the ship’s structure 
illustrating the relativity of space and time

Where time is a space visited from any time-space and
any story can grow from there, in this film history is near-
ly obliterated, a power-mad government official - with a
hairdresser on standby - threatens to destroy the ship

The power loop will blow up the whole modern world;
wow - the stakes are higher every time a scientist starts
the electrical circuit again; the stories can never be
exhausted, perfect reassurance that

Music and stories can never stop - but keep growing
together with the lengthening age and never-ending
expansion of the universe!

31 March 2013

Make The Sense Stand

 

Whether there is or isn’t a God (or god) can’t
influence what is common sense when making
policy plans; equity can exist sans percentage
ambits but without qualifications employment
arguments fail to meet the first rule which states
‘the job sets the criteria, not the selection panel’

Servants of the System are not free of collective
guilt either – their silence might explain where
their dilemma places them yet they accept their
pay as if it is of no consequence being betwixt,
between or betrayed by the same set of rules
they’ve decreed will be the State’s saving grace

Being ‘politically correct’ in those circumstances
grates coarser than casual sensitivities – the farce
becomes more of an ad infinitum address on the
preservation of presumptive manners and it faces
inevitable consequences of where those inanities
invariably will and always do mendaciously lead

The leadership has lead, lost its way and buried its
head in the sand of an unimaginable glory radiating
from history; it is dead & buried now – too far gone
to save from the past that passed it up, regurgitated
and rejected as the unsavoury revolutionary tenets
of a impasse awaiting the peoples’ judgement

And it is The People who will make the sense stand
– not jackass politicians
© 30 March 2013, I. D. Carswell

God's Servant Also

Employment equity, 79%  black Africans in all organisations
an impractical socialist view; the ANC alliance with Cosatu
led to a Teachers' Union - SADTU - discouraging education
in a dysfunctional system without morals and values

Cadre deployment, political appointment, reward-for-loyalty
resulting in lack of capacity and continuity, also entitlement,
avarice, conflict and violence - the ANC no longer a freedom
movement with principles; the system staggering under
 
Corruption and incompetence, wrong ideologies, policies
and self-interest - faith believes God is in charge; Zuma’s
government is God's servant also - let us be light and salt,
pray for politician and state - and join the elections

Quietly working and waiting...

Has the governing party lost its moral compass?
THEUNS ELOFF, respected thinker and academic, gives his opinion..

What To Do, What To Do...

What to do with paper, stars, crystals and glue - I love promises, an
unopened package, hope and great expectation so much - to open the
beautiful paper and pour out the stars and crystals would mean nearing
a finished product which always falls short - because I am not skilled in
creating and decorating pictures, I love looking at my treasures and
dreaming of doing something with them; the promise stays ever
fresh, should the right idea appear, I will be inspired to start
 
I am trying to visualise myself taking the difficult text off the shelf and
starting a list of terms and failing spectacularly: where is the vision of
me working on it, I must convince myself I’ve got what it takes to do
painstaking work – but I only see myself struggling, getting confused
as I always do; feeling guilty while doing anything to get away from it,
earlier today deep-sea diving in the pool, then bicycle-riding fleeing
my tender conscience regarding this document
 
Scared of making a mess, trying to visualise successful completion; but
the images in my head are terrible, my only hope is Armageddon since
the Mayan date of destruction expired; only a cataclysm can save me
from dealing with motivation to fund a million committees to write a
trillion reports while supervising grass-roots communities hindered by
frequent stops to report every step of endless prescriptions; officials
monitoring their every move will inhibit innovation
 
Too many expensive overseers controlling the few who do the hard
work means regulations taking the place of common sense, already
the documents produced ate up half the budget - the monitoring
process will gobble up the rest…
 
29 March 2013

All-Inclusive Love (REVISED)

I bought a Christian magazine in honour of the lovely
Miracle Play’s Easter symbolism, of a person giving
up life as a sacrifice to teach a new forgiveness of
enemies – even as we ourselves need forgiveness;

Their dogmatically exclusive declarations recalled my
objection to churches hijacking the Miracle Play for
their theology, insisting respect for other beliefs is
sinful, grounds for eternal damnation to hell, BUT

I believe religious books are open to interpretation, I
will defend our freedom to analyse it differently from
official religions; I love diversity of cultures, respecting
everyone with integrity – atheist, Muslim or Buddhist
 
All religion has a single thread: Do unto others as you
would be done by; in all authoritarian societies critical
religions suffer aggression and persecution together
with subversive elements

Theology and dogma are imposed where beautiful
imagery should be free of it; intolerance creates war –
if seeking a quest, join a dogmatic religion, proselytize
in authoritarian places – revel in the admiration

Of fellow fundamentalists; you will retain your right to
respect even though you do not respect others – which
is the only way all-inclusive love symbolised in the
Miracle Play can finally triumph

Easter 2013

"You have NO power over me" By Ronel O'Reilly

"You might think you have absolute power over me...
by slamming the gate in my face, you only confine me
to limited living space

You might think you have absolute power over me...
your dirty looks wash over me and confirm my

observation of your insecurities

You might think you have absolute power over me...
by controlling my freedom to speak - I have realised

in this place words is a waste of time

You might think you have power over me by robbing me

of my dignity when you touch me for security reasons –

it simply makes me realise this physical body is

only a small part of my being

You may think you have power over me when you force

me to attend workshops to talk about my crime

The truth is - although freedom of space, movement and

speech might be limited, my every thought is free
and therefore

You have NO power over me"

By Ronel O’Reilly written in Pollsmoor [12 April 2011]

When I read this poem by Ronel O'Reilly, I felt jubilant that her spirit
triumphed over prison circumstances; she is living proof that the world
can only offer us choices to react - and she chose to react in a masterful
way, guarding her freedom and privacy and withdrawing into a region
of her imagination that kept her safe from those taunting her.

I salute you Ronel, and I am privileged to be in communication with you!

27 March 2013

A Working Golem Princess

I'd love to write a working adult golem princess

piece, the first dwarfish golem princess ever as I

am short and have a silicone brain that must not

overheat and I was issued with a chem in my head

which means I’m programmed like a golem to

work unto my death

BUT I have a chem in my heart that makes me

dream of a better place in which I can be a real

princess – presently I’m fighting a dragon of a

document - bureaucratic waffling about money

made by means of endless Committees which

means the funds are taken by members in the

game and farmers will get nothing and when

this plot is discovered a quick rebellion will

bury the evidence and then the whole Spiel

can begin again – isn’t it luverly?

The working adult golem princess signs a

Confidentiality thing every now and again

where they ask about everything – family,

friends, house, car, dreams, star sign and

shoe size – so they can monitor us as we

writhe in boredom or gag in saccharine

meant to win donors for feasts which

are camouflaged as farmers struggling

to survive – olé!

27 March 2013 More Diary Notes

How Exciting Isn’t It

I have lost my mojo – my inspiration to look up every acronym and test every

term to make sure it fits into the bureaucratic jigsaw puzzle waffling on about

a million trillion billion committees which I’m trying to reconstruct in faithful

reflection of the original text by taking it apart, numbering and relaying every

piece in the correct jargon, how exciting isn’t it

I know exactly what you mean by the stink, every night my pillow and I stretch

out on my beloved in front of the TV where he is watching cricket and then the

dog at his feet sends up his stink – so I depart to go watch Dangerous Creatures

on NatGeoWild, Disney channel movies or the Food Channel with Diners,

Drives and Digs – just to get away from the stink

Diary Notes 27 March 2013

Dreams On New Year’s Eve

This dwarfish golem strengthened the chem in
her heart today, having worked on the chem in
her head for so long and ending up with a still-
born life in which challenge and adventure had
no place except in the books she read

She took time off from being hard-working and
cross, sang her way through the day ‘But some-
where in my wicked, miserable past, there must
have been something good’ - then discovered a
Princess on TV and became one also
 
A film about dreams coming true on New Year’s
Eve and this Golem knew hers had come true also,
Golem dreams are small, you see, it does not take
much to make a Golem glad and being of dwarfish
persuasion the lovely dreams are short enough

Tomorrow dark passages will get translated again
using trichonometry to measure the angles of every
term, climbing on trees to get her bearings, compare
with previous documents on the same subject,
weaving her tortuous way back and forth

Determined to surprise her boss with a consistent
translation text - the ultimate fulfilment of Golem
dreams…

26 March 2013

Who Will Be Smiling In This

A committee to watch over a lower committee and
report to a higher committee that will report to an
even more important committee that shall explain
to a Secretariat who informs a Ministerial Group

Below this growing spiral of committees there is a
rural community to produce agricultural miracles
as prescribed and overseen by committees galore,
donors’ money going into paying the salaries

Of every rotund member of every committee, rural
communities must fund their own systems which
would be monitored conscientiously by every
member of every relevant committee

One day the donors will ask- Where have all the
money gone? – it will transpire corruption and bribes
took so much and the little bit left after committee
members took at their own behest, was too little

To fund infrastructure and inputs required to produce
crops and livestock, a million reports to be written
taking care of the rest of the money, the mis-
management will be buried beneath

A rebellion or two which will cause enough disruption
to destabilise the country; then the whole committee
game can begin again - I wonder who will be smiling
in this, would it be War and Famine and Pestilence

Or Materialism, Capitalism and Decadence?

26 March 2013

The Wonder Of You (Revised)

I love what you are and represent, your ideas,
assurance, principles, discipline and talent,
I love the essence of your being

I will go on holistically loving this whatever
you do, wherever you may be, I shall cherish
the treasured memory of what you taught me

How you were kind when I felt swept away
by feelings – yielding to despair, you never
gave up on me as if the tie binding was a

special understanding – a gift you never
suspended, sharing your strength that way
kept me safe; when boredom paralysed and

life seemed meaningless I gave up but you
anchored me. Thanks for the wonder of you in
a well-meaning world full of insight-less

strangers lacking your gift and affability

Constructing The Unreal Wall

But it is useless; born without the ability to
overcome a feeling of boredom with all that
fails to engage my emotions and senses, long
professorial texts & discursive philosophical
thesis, detailed development plans to impress
would-be donors anxious to channel excess
wealth in smooth tax-evasion moves

Acronyms to be used with consistence, under-
standing the boring lines so that interpretation
makes sense in the target-language context –
excuse me, dear reader, but this is just as boring
for me as for you, I am wasting my life in this
chair forcing myself into despair, using poverty
and pain as motivation to keep my eyes

On lines that explode cells in my brain, destroy the
signals of communication; I have made a million
lists as per prescription and not a single concept
remains in my mind which sucks in and destroys
the light of rational deduction until only infinitely
heavy black matter is left within, precluding human
comfort while boredom paralyses

Mind and body – time to jump into the next dark hole
of repetitive terms that exterminate original thoughts
and maim the imagination in line by meaningless line
marching in grey, life-destroying texts, dying for the
‘privilege’ to be a lonely brick constructing the unreal
wall dreamed up by a civilisation which only seeks
satisfaction of material needs

Amazon Rituals

Nat Geo Wild a program about Amazon boys in a
ritual their hands ensconced in woven bags filled

with  big black ants suffering their sting to make

them strong and immune to illness

As the kids grow older it feels as if you cherish

Amazon ideas of planning rituals to make them

strong and immune to decadence: we shall stand
back and not offer them easy rides when
 
They have left school, shall not ferry them to and
from wherever they work without payment of fuel,
they can use the pool car but only for college and
university - I listen and agree
 
Knowing that my parents’ blind support for their kids
did not do us any good - hearing our son swearing
allegiance to you and all your rules, agreeing that
you are strict - but it is best
 
I follow your lead with quiet contentment, reassured
that you are giving our kids an invaluable gift: to be
well-adapted in society, hard-working, independent
 - I remember how scared I was of life
 
Determined never to have kids to prevent them growing
up in the chaos in which I lived, how much I had to learn
when you taught me how to organise life - I knew then
that you would be perfect with kids  

21 March 2013

 

Gesticulating Discussion (REVISION)

There it is, differences in our families: the rational in
yours; calm, collected, no driving passions, dramatic
sadness or manic agitation - everything controlled

Mine's all passion, melodrama, affectation, feral vigour
exploding into eruptions of lava-like feeling; I feel the
loss but love gaining rational calm and quiet respect

It costs; I sigh into delight knowing fury and destruction
are too much, but we can't have one without the other,
always moving between joy and despair, each with

pros and cons; at home noisy acting makes me feel
alienated, here deliberate rationalism lacks in that
vitality - yet Hans has passion for politics and job

Hubby and Sis freeze our fervently discussed analysis
of South African politics, we escape their tight control
and have a grand time - there was great rapport

We left today with hubby's Sis saying she stops Hans
declaiming; I smile, we've made a pact to pick up again
when a social call offers occasion to be by ourselves

We mean to solve South Africa's problems in big, loud,
gesticulating discussion, shouting at each other, being
melodramatic as a pair of Italian prima donnas!

20 March 2013

Look Like a Bandit

I got my hair cut thinking I would look like a
German fighter pilot from the Second World
War, but in the end I look like a bandit, the
crew cut brought no boyish good looks and
left a criminal in its stead

When I tried out my new top to got with the
suit for the funeral, it was a disaster, I quickly
changed tack and tried on my grey shirt, just
right for tomorrow- what I am going to do for
the wedding, no-one can tell

The new top is not acceptable - that's for sure -
even then I shall have to wear grey lightened by
pearls - what else can I do after wasting money
on a look that just does not work? Why was I
not born in a Muslim country

To wear a burka covering everything, walking
around like a circus tent, when it is hot just a
swimsuit with it - what fun if the burka were
wet, though the venerable elders might have
killed me long before I could

Ever write a line of subversive poetry…

19 March 2013

Cannot Be Made Good

Hanelie is part of a small inner group immensely
precious to me, she sang along with the words of
the Afrikaans songs she introduced us to, she was
shy and beautiful and blossomed at home as we
visited family, only the inner circle present

Her sing-along is one of my best memories; her
wedding was wonderful, Louis quiet and strong,
an ideal partner for her and wonderful father of
two naughty boys- I feel sad for Hanelie, for her
loss, where were Louis’ guardian angels

On the day that he died? I have a million hanging
onto every car that I drive – does his death mean
never ride a bike before sunrise on a misty morning
as there are trucks parked in the dark without lights
and guardian angels are sleeping then?

Everything is spoiled, the weekend a total loss, I carry
on like a zombie, trying to figure out a way to keep my
loved ones safe – and from now on, the loved ones of
Hanelie and my sister-in-law, Thea, and her husband
Hans – Thea suffering watching her daughter hurt

By the death of her man, I feel so disappointed with the
system of life- how can guardian angels guard me and
then fail to guard Louis, the father of a young family –
and Hanelie crying - How can I carry on- without
you, Louis? No guru can explain this to me

Talking of decisions taken pre-birth – it is awful -
cannot be made good…


17 March 2013

Saturday of Loss and Regret

Saturday 16 March 2013 - it's been four years since we saw them last, Louis and
Hanelie, the wedding was great and everyone danced... today I tried to work on
the tables in my work document but everytime I tried, something went wrong:
the first time I grew sleepy, the second time my eyes could not focus, I couldn't
see - it was a sign that working on this Saturday of loss and regret is not on...

 

15 March 2013

Only So Much

Friday afternoon fatigue after slogging through a
document without stopping, checking each strange
phrase and testing each word I translate, now my
head feels swollen to triple its normal size, eyes
tired and eyeballs ache

The nearest I can come to change this feeling is
tasting eye-watering toothpaste in my mouth, wish
it was possible to feel better before tackling the
traffic and listening to the French Delft 4 CD –
repeat - un, A, quatre, moi

Received a new letter from one Tarentaal for the
President’s Office, the name sounds promising but
Friday has been paid, I cannot resume reading again
without a long interval, I might get adventurous and
switch off the CD to listen to

FM classic – it might be as exciting as Shostakovich
or as familiar as Tchaikovsky; right now escape from
this painful situation of hunched shoulders and a sore
back is all that counts, my head aching, I must flee
the office and take a break

There is only so much one human being can take…

15 March 2013

Travelling On The Thumb (rev)

 

Travelling on the thumb wasn’t hard to do,
you took the rides that you could get with
no regrets, let shrinkage in the mileage set
your measure of success, strode the grassy
verges to your goal with thumb erect and
cursed the surly bastards speeding past so
fast they nearly spun you round.

Sight and sound of cars in slowing down
from highway speed to look you over was
profound relief, you were a driver’s thief
of time and yet a kinship of the open road
possessed a code as old as spoken word,
when you heard, “Where y’ going, mate?”
out of a stationary car it mattered not if
near or far or anywhere; right there you’d
found a friend.

Carefree days, at least for me, and though
I’d been marooned a time or two, I never
felt alone.

A traveller on the lonely road is primed to
view as kindred souls his fellow men, also
inclined to want to share their time, listen
to and laugh aloud about a common cheer –
while those who feared involvement in the
easy dignities of fellowship still thundered
past with faces turned away, I wonder if it
is the same today.
© I.D. Carswell

Going To Run Away (Revised)

I’m going to run away, even if I have to take myself alone,

I cannot stay and face the life I chose for me; this life is too

much and I cannot master it, the tasks are too difficult –

I did not master in dam-building, in either French or English;

the dam proved too much, a gigantic downfall –

if I were Lucifer, this is the point where I would be flung from

heaven because I cannot build a dam; and I never managed to

read the text in a way that made sense.

Going to run away, failed yet another subject seriously, this dam

-building is too much, I’m going to run away from the Poverty

Reduction Strategy Plan with cows, farms, roads and credits

driving me nuts, the endless tables, statistics in a continuous

stream, it  makes me want to scream; I’m going to run away - I

chose this yoke myself, to become a bureaucrat, translating for

the client who said he needs the dam and Strategy Plan

And off I go again – French class became a threat, research is

what they want also, research on countries to create new tableaux –

I’ll have to run away – the Great Escape – it’s what I need, my brain

burnt out, I’m an error myself – I must run away…

12 March 2013