Turning Into A Hedonist

Just for the record, neither an egg wrap without

meat and onions nor rice cakes with salt make a

difference, sugar is a quick escape but then my

knees and legs become inflamed, no help any-

where, watching time pass oh so slowly while

knowing that only once I get going to find the

right medication will I feel better

Yet the day is unending, the torture goes on and

on, I’m sure I can compete with the best there is

in suffering pain without flinching, all my life I

have been practicing to be a Stoic - but as time

passes I’m losing interest in winning this race,

wanting to feel well all the time - turning into a

hedonist means I want pain to stop immediately

No dilly-dallying, no suffering in imitation of the

Old Testament prophets and Eastern holy men!

Creepily Shrinking 

Pain in my ears, slow suffocation,

I have come to accept there is no

distraction from stiffening back and

neck  while my ears are ringing with

tinnitus and my poor scalp is creepily

shrinking, it’s the apex of the pain

Everything I did to get rid of the pain

worsened it -  alone with a text I am

useless, hearing my colleague typing

and knowing I’m making no progress,

I cannot ignore pain signals any more,  

no insight left for an airport document

Muscles tightening around my throat

as if to create awareness of death while

withholding the sweet relief that actual

release from this suffering body would

bring, I’m forced to go on as my heart

is strong & my body does not give up

My Head’s On Fire 

Catatonic – it’s been quite long since I’ve felt this bad,

the pressure in my head unbearable, sitting quietly until

it abates and then getting up and playing myself imitating

my own joie de vivre, never letting go of the role

It was an evil pizza last night, it’s been so long since I’ve

felt this pain different from any other kind, worse because

the pain gets at my brain and takes my world away, I’m left

in nothing with nothing and cannot go anywhere

Or defend myself, my mind is gone, nowhere to hide because

nowhere is safe, after working this morning I give up, cannot

fight this terrible feeling – the lovely family party this week-

end led to my indulging in unusual treats now here I am

My head’s on fire being crunched in the vice I know so well

while it feels as if worms are crawling all through my face

and gnawing at muscles and sinews and my throat is

constricting

14 May 2013