Not Making It (R)

Feeling so bitter tonight – I am doing it,
but though I master aspects of it, I can’t
make myself like it – I get the job done,
but I hate it, I get some formatting right,
but I still can’t get it all perfectly right

I am surviving – but I can’t make myself
conquer it – it’s the 32 degrees Celsius
office heat and feeling inadequate with
a headache – & watching my colleagues
ride the storm; Hanlie is the star driving

Through every problem without diversions;
Hermien calmly delivering and Annette like
a soldier in the field; I’m fighting alongside
them, battling a difficult document and an
uncommon heat wave, but

I can’t make myself feel glad about being
there – tonight I cry for my failure, for not
making it, cry for suffering because I wish
to make it – and I’m not making it in
terms of liking the victory…