Bistromathics Mysterious Life

Alice joined a tea-party in the Italian Bistro with alacrity
given that pizza and wine would be served, she no longer
feared she would not be given a cup of tea and she looked
forward to see the use of Bistromathics, the most
powerful computational force known to Parascience as
computations done on a waiter’s check pad cause all
numbers to start dancing, and since Alice has always
found numbers twirling with dizzying speed, she would
love to see how it is used in Bistromathics

When Alice was told that Bistromathics shows reality and
unreality colliding on fundamental levels, each becoming
the other and that anything is possible within parameters
which are impossible to define except saying ‘strange, but
true’, she knew why she never mastered mathematics –
because her mind was already tuned into Bistromathics:
the revolutionary new understanding of the behaviour of
numbers who are not absolute but depend on the obser-
ver’s movement in restaurants

Ever since her first tea party with the Mad Hatter, March
Hare and Dormouse, Alice had understood that something
was fundamentally wrong with a world where riddles
never resolve themselves and gracious little girls like
herself were never allowed to enjoy a proper cup of tea
before moving on, enthralled Alice learnt the First Non-
absolute Number was the number of people for whom the
table is reserved, varying on each subsequent rendition
of Alice in Wonderland in theatres and on movie screens

There is no relation to the number of people or animals who
turn up, number of creatures subsequently joining them and
the number who leave when they see who else turned up or
were summoned by the Queen of Hearts

The Second Nonabsolute Number is given time of arrival, a
bizarre mathematical concept, a Recipriversexcluson whose
existence is defined as being anything other than itself, given
time of arrival is the one moment at which it is impossible
anyone will arrive, Alice understood everything about being
everything else except oneself, after eating and drinking things
which changed her all the time, growing and shrinking and
singing songs as well, she knew time of arrival depended
on the Queen of Hearts because all ways are her ways and
might take a day to traverse – or only a nanosecond of time

Alice was delighted to learn Recipriversexclusons play a vital
part in math, statistics, accountancy and form basic equations
for engineering the Somebody Else’s Problem Field, she has
always resonated with this concept, could not master sewing
and knitting and realised it was somebody else’s problem to
produce proper attire to clothe people’s bodies

The Third Nonabsolute is the most mysterious, Alice learnt
enchanted, she LOVES mysteries of all kinds and if she can-
not find them, must make them up herself and that can become
rather hard work in the end: the relationship between number of
items, cost, number of people at the table and what each are
prepared to pay for (number of people who brought money
is a subphenomenon), she immediately understood why Peter
Pan could not get the calculations right when he was asked to
help pay the cost for Cinderella’s delight

Why Conan the Barbarian refused to be a king, why Attila the
Hun refused to pay money to see the Queen of Hearts, why the
peppery-tongued Duchess hit the Queen with a croquet club,
why Tom Thumb rode off in a huff on a bat, waving a needle
as a sword and vowing to kill the Duchess and all who took her
side – Alice realised the baffling discrepancies between what
is and what ought to be, revealed a startling truth: every person
in this play refused to pay what was required of them in the
waiter’s check in order to share the spoils of peace of mind

Life is a restaurant and numbers on restaurant checks do not
follow the same mathematical laws as numbers on any other
kind of paper in any other part of Universe, Alice marvelled at
phrases like ‘Interactive Subjectivity Frameworks’ which made
monks sing strange songs about the Universe being a figment
of its own imagination, she looked up with shiny eyes and
smiled at Lewis Carrol and Douglas Adams who explained
her mysterious life so beautifully and empowered her with
their Bistromathics to improve her life…

Based on “The Ultimate Hitchhiker’s Guide” Douglas
Adams pp.343 - 348