Positive books recommend enjoyingsadness as much as joy, tonight I apply
their advice, trying to enjoy the tears I
cry, hoping to sob my way out of sad-
ness, facing a situation I cannot master,
trying to overcome fear of my incompe-
tence and lack of control, inability to
conquer the dark in my soul, the
rebellion against repetition
Why, oh WHY is it so difficult, why is it
so painful to conquer myself and draw
up lists, I am guilt-ridden, duties others
carry out with resignation cause war in
my heart, I can’t share the isolation of
fighting myself, I HATE my weakness
in not overcoming my character flaws,
every month the same macabre ritual
repeats itself, struggling to complete
Documents that bore me to death - as I
near the end, repetition of boredom and
meaninglessness handicaps my effort to
complete all my projects, only by hurting
and hating myself do I manage to become
so unhappy I finally do what I intensely
detest, losing my self-esteem once again,
yet for all that my passionate nature
never cools down
Burning like a volcano inside, fighting to
keep up appearances, seem one of the
crowd, not revealing the mutilation of my
rebellious spirit, confiding the pain to
diaries in words I have been assured
will reach no-one, I’m sick to death of
my false smile, wish I could show how
I feel – but that would be suicide...
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