Humiliation, Agitation, Confusion

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Sank into a deeper layer today, below the
fear that you infused with hope and trust,
a layer of agitation and total confusion, I
felt so ridiculous I could barely control my
face - muscles twitched, brain-freeze,
feeling ashamed of being me

Shantaram says p.432 humiliation makes us
feel ashamed, striking the heart that wants to
love - when violated we feel shame at being
human - I become the hunchback of Notre
Dame, cannot work or think, I flee from my
existence into being a crocodile

My real self shrinks into a little alien hanging
from the rafters in my head, I need to flee into
dreams to unfreeze my brain and concentrate,
within the deepest layers of my experience
there is a humiliation so deep, I cannot
explain it in words that make sense

Shantaram’s description approaches the feeling,
this is the first thing I felt when I started my life, I
felt like this before I turned four, it incapacitates
me, I have to play a role to be able to function
but that is dangerous, losing the ability to
connect with reality, I am trying to work

Through this layer of madness in order to find
myself, to stop running, to watch the painful
scenes of early youth – or at least, I am
planning to, the hurt might come back
and I’m afraid…

Gregory David Roberts “Shantaram” Abacus 2004
p. 432
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