Look Forward To Being Robbed

Great, now I have fever and backache and stiff neck
and a sore ankle and cannot sleep, covered my head
and neck with Vicks, rolled myself into an old sheet
lay down but cannot sleep, listening to the sound of
criminals proceeding outside – or so it seems –

Planning a welcoming speech so they would not feel
unwelcome - what sort of life do I lead when I look
forward to being robbed - realising no such luck I got
up, ready to watch bland TV, cheesy Ballande with
long stick insect legs balancing on stiletto heels

Women falling over trying to seduce with evocative move-
ments which make me wish for insecticide - wearing thin
strips of material, the budget does not allow for ball gowns,
contestants have to look great in remnants & feathers, men
wearing jeans - the chattering presenter’s raucous voice

Like incessant machine gun fire, she is so pretty but makes
such a terrible noise – where are the criminals and burglars
and housebreakers and thugs when you need them, how
can I prove that I shall be good to them if they do not try
breaking and entering, what use is all we have learnt

About self-defence if we never get a chance to use these
techniques; why am I reduced to watching Ballando when
Lyall Watson’s moon and electro-magnetic sunspots make
life unbearable?