My Own Mount Everest

14 July 2009

I am suddenly possessed of a spirit of
incompetence worse than usual, the
mining and agriculture job to be done
seems insurmountable, my own Mount
Everest - I am not Sir Hilary, don’t want
to brave the cold of those long, incompre-
hensible passages, don’t want to research
every boring word, read strange terms over
and over - even had toothache tonight, a sure
sign of my system in revolt, I cannot concen-
trate at work, the boredom of agriculture takes
my little energy away, I end up staring at the text
guilt feelings brewing in my breast – until I get up
and run away, talk to anybody

Who might need a friendly voice, look at pictures
on the Internet – five words of my document, and
the clock stops completely, time freezes, everything
comes to a standstill… ...how to force myself through
the pressure cooker of this document, those I have al-
ready done must be corrected, sent for checking, read
again; there is something wrong with me, cannot force
myself to do the expedient, financially advantageous thing,
always in need of a ‘ criminal-against-inter-subjective law
and requirement of the day – attitude’, though Jane fol-
lows every rule assiduously, I try to break them all, leaving
nothing inviolate, simply because I cannot keep the rules –
break one is tantamount to breaking all of them, since I
always break one, I democratize by breaking all of them
as soon as possible….