Please Other People

Chemical depression – as long as I hide it well
I cried upon finishing my book, left in this world
without the author’s gaze to keep me safe; cried
again upon being forced to agree with everything
you said, I am not a good mother nor nurturer you
claimed; easier to accept your verdict than incur
your wrath by insisting upon contrary facts

After sobbing my way through the dishes, I am quiet
and resigned, this time belongs to me, free to start the
next book - but giving up a chamber group, an author-
mother and a loving world where taxi-drivers get out and
help, where a world-famous violinist plays outside the
conservatory to augment his salary, where frogs are
named according to characteristics – is not easy

I am heart-broken on letting go of this fictional world in which
I felt safe and content, in which characters loved and sang in
the way I always do – now I am back in a place where nobody
cares about the things that make me cry for joy and pain; it is
better this way - as long as I follow rules, being consistent in
what I do and say, hiding feelings as best I might - I am safe,
rules show us how to please other people, stay out of trouble

Rules create a mask behind which we learn to hide so nobody
can hurt us too much; the more rules, the safer we are, as long
as we create the impression of following rules, no-one expects
us to be real because they have to be false themselves…