I grew up with the mistaken belief only painful life
is meaningful, that living carefree and happy was 
sinful & senseless - only struggling and suffering 
would make us worthy - and it is so wrong at so 
Many levels as it is obviously true that everyone 
strives to live as long as possible, except for the
few who commit suicide: why would most people 
prefer living to death if life were truly dedicated to 
Sadness and pain - since pain & disappointment 
go hand in hand, it’s logical that anything I do has 
to fail for my life to have meaning: this sabotaging 
myself has led to me taking great care to fail at 
Most everything - success implies loss of meaning, 
when success was achieved inadvertently, I felt so 
worried and guilty; but this is no way to live - being 
told within Calvinist tradition that we have all been 
Conceived & born in sin, stopped me in my tracks 
before I could take any steps towards success - &
the constant war at home; Mom blaming Grandma 
Alice for the family going bankrupt & Dad blaming 
Both of them for his losing everything, which is true; 
he did lose everything he worked for, at least he did 
retain his five privileged kids healthy & thriving - but 
continuous war at home convinced me that only a 
Feeling of war is proof of life & passion - thus I can 
never be content in a calm and loving environment,
so I am condemned to a life of strife since it is the 
only template that makes sense of life - but today 
I realise the spiritualist claim that “Life is a game of 
consciousness, in which all living things relish the 
feeling of being alive versus nothingness, in which 
challenge is exciting & adventure gives spice to life”
Is true as it explains everything - yet I remain stuck 
in the feeling of the meaninglessness of life - I can’t 
get out of the stream carrying me into nothingness...

 
 
 
