Freedom And Ideals

Decided never to make fun of people
who act with integrity, regardless of
their belief system

Never repress any creed, honour all
devoted to their beliefs and tolerant
of other systems

Incapable of joining any group as all
insist on an exclusive truth, making
all others wrong

Atheists are just as intolerant and
prejudiced as official religion in
the Middle-Ages

I reject zealot propaganda trying to
unite all churches, just like I reject
atheist propaganda

Calling religion a bad smell and holy
books a waste of time, implying
spiritualism is inferior

Everybody is right at the same time,
right is relative and contextual
- FREEDOM

Is the highest right; the effect of beliefs
on people is eye-witness evidence of
lode-star ideals

I offer you the FREEDOM I want for myself
I respect your right to believe anything
free from persecution

Do not criticize or persecute me…

(Persecution of Christians in Communist regimes
produced true believers, while religious freedom in
the West produces existential pain - let’s go for it,
create hell on earth and enjoy it!)

Finished reading a book by Anita and Peter
Deyneka “A Song in Siberia - The True Story
of a Russian Church that could not be silenced”
Collins, London, 1978

Q-fixed Fountain-Pen

I have realized a few very important things
today, Saturday 31 October 2009:

The way I park the car in the garage, the way the
safety belt twists and the way I change the air
conditioning will always make hubby angry.

The way I use my credit card makes him furious.

My friend Barbara will never come visit until the day
my hairstyle disintegrates. My hair disintegrated today –
and Barbara is coming. I rest my case.

I know which button to push to blow-up with Q-fixed
fountain-pen Fatima-Blush my other friend; he explodes,
fire comes out of his nostrils and ears when I inadver-
tently, and sad to say, sometimes deliberately,
push that button.

I enjoy the explosion, but miss his friendship until he shift-
shapes and reconstitutes himself again. I suspect he watched
the movie Men In Black and learnt the trick from the fake
Rolex salesman alien – I am still trying to master the art.

Hans Christian Andersen was totally insane or THEY are
putting words in his mouth. I have never read the story called
‘The Rose Elf’, p. 1, “Andersen’s Fairy Tales”, Macmillan, 1966,
until today, and I don’t believe THEM as claim that he was the
author.

The lover was slain, his beloved kept his skull planted with
flowers, she died of a broken heart and the murderer died
from the skull-flowers’ sweet perfume – hogwash!

It is strange that hubby studies a cookbook while I page through
“The Prophetic Nun” by Guy Butler, artwork illustrations created
by three nuns in South Africa.

It is crystal-clear why women are never mentioned in history as
achieving anything: As with these nuns, their lives and names
were never recorded and their work destroyed or appropriated
under male identities.

It makes me so angry I can’t see out of my swollen eyes - just
like The Nun’s Story where the nun was expelled for doing good
works – because she attracted too much attention.

On Saturday mornings hubby plans the meals for the weekend
while I plan which books to read, I want to become more involved
in food, but since he usurps the TV for sports events like the Blue
Bulls fight for today; I think there is no pressing need to improve
my evil ways.

************************************************
In the movie "Never Say Never Again" James Bond blows Fatima
Blush to smithereens with his fountain pen that was fixed by Q to
become a bomb thrower, thus to Fatima Blush someone is to blow
them up - a lovely scene, but sad until they come back to life again.

Fairytales In Siberia

Thank heaven for Terry Pratchett
when I feel down, after reading A
Song in Siberia, wondering where
these wonderful people have gone
I read on page 11 of Carpe Jugulum:

‘Agnes sang in harmony with herself, NOT
with her mirror reflection as she would end
up singing a duet with Mr Bluebird then a
flamethrower would be the only release’
in spite of feeling depressed

I burst out laughing, the infinite cheek to
depict my beloved Mary Poppins in such a
way - but whatever he does, he cannot ex-
tinguish the joy I find in fairytales, I suspect
Song in Siberia is another one such

The authors describe a horrible life, women
with eight or nine children, the horror of that
idea! - suffering hunger and deprivation and
willingly taunting atheist while increasing
in peace and joy

I also cannot give up my beliefs in spirit and
soul and life after death and virtue and love
but I could NEVER imagine having so many
kids, inculcating strict discipline and finding
my joy in the Bible only

I never try to convince others to follow my
ideas, religions always want people to live
in loving groups, I prefer being alone, want
to read thousands of books, study a million
stories - They are described as happy

With their love and integrity met by persecution
I hate being rejected for my convictions, never
enjoy ridicule by my fellow-men, inner religious
fire never burns in me, I want to be free
and wish freedom for all others

Free from pressure by religion and atheism alike
free to follow my inner convictions and dreams
without obeisance to the opinions of others,
these persecuted Christians were saints -
I would have prayed for death

Were I in their place!

Alien Theory Of Truth

Looking for the good, ignoring the sad
(anything we dislike), according to
Abraham’s (Esther Hick’s) website:

“You cannot look at what you do not want and
not join and perpetuate that vibration. Take your
attention from what is not in harmony with who
you are, and your "now vibration" will adjust to
who you really are, and you will uplift others.”

“Abraham” - Excerpted from a workshop in Portland
OR, on Tuesday, 10 June 1997
http://www.abraham-hicks.com

I believe there is no objective truth out there
although everybody claims what they see is
truth and insists all should be forced to
accept their version based on the
fact that tradition and most
people agree.

I respect this belief, but I believe in a different
theory about a relative world, we create our
own version of reality in our minds
and call it true.

When I explained why I believe there is
not a single truth, some claimed I must
be psychologically disturbed, very
insulting indeed.

But they added they do not think me inferior,
just uninformed and unenlightened, they
would not reject my friendship on the
grounds of my strange beliefs.

I am glad their opinion does not exclude me
from their respect, they “gave me leave
to be myself” meaning they will not
discriminate against me on the
grounds of my weird
theories.

People teach it is not realistic to close one’s
eyes to their truth just because one
dislikes it.

Yet I believe TRUTH is RELATIVE and we
create our own reality, we are FREE to
focus on what we like and ignore
what we dislike, creating
the life we want
to live.

We find an uneventful life very boring
and focus on things we do not like to
add obstacles ; challenges that
force us to seek solutions
in exciting ideas.

The most important challenge in my life
is overcoming misunderstandings
and problems in com-
munication.

I do not look down on the conventional
version of truth and do not intend
contempt for those who believe
in it when I explain
my theories.

I am just different, an alien from
another universe.

I apologise for becoming aggressive
and judgmental when my alien
theory of truth is under
discussion.

I respect everybody’s right to live
their own theories, exercising
their right to choose.

Danced Ole Guapa

Danced an Argentinian tango all by
myself in the kitchen this morning
saw how it is done on So You Think
You Can Dance, take up an aggres-
sive stance, bend my knees, lean
back and walk like a giraffe
stepping high

Danced Ole Guapa, passionate
emotions crossing my face, almost
sobbing then laughing, the three TV
judges would have died laughing
I laughed as well, danced until
out of breath - a great start
for my day!

Explains Everything

Finally, we came to rest after listening
to The Streets Of Philadelphia sung by
Bruce Springsteen

Hubby still trying to prove that I was in
the wrong when this song came on -
silencing him

I am glad to escape his censure, I believe
that all those who work at night are
marked for eternal joy

They render a service without receiving
glory, their work is belittled by those
who score the most

That explains everything…

‘Song In Siberia’ - Deyneka

Started reading Song in Siberia
about persecuted churches in
Russia, I am so glad that I am
not persecuted or rejected for
my strange beliefs, my brother
says I am free to investigate
everything

This book is a painful read, the
confusion of those who believed,
members of the church of Barnaul,
a city second only to Novosibirsk,
when Religious Persecution inten-
sified - always scared of rejection
I cannot imagine

Such pain without suffering myself,
hubby watching comedies on TV -
cannot stay out of my own mind for
such a long time, after watching TV
I need to withdraw into my own
shell, cannot stand visual stimu-
lation for so long

Have to follow my thoughts, hubby
insists watching Top Gear and Casper
de Vries; I cannot, a dance program
and Chuck and Pushing Daisies are
already unsettling enough, need to
turn my eyes on my mind, please
do not force me to watch

Watching too much is bad, takes away
my liberty, my imagination baulks,
thoughts are injured, need words
that allow the mind to supply the
scenes

(Information overload is dangerous
can only process a small take
on reality…)

Anita and Peter Deyneka “A Song in Siberia”
Collins, London, 1978

Wrote In My Diary

Hubby ordered André Rieu, Live in Maastricht Two
for me, to listen again to Ole Guapa, Buglers’ Holiday
Funiculi Funicula with André Rieu commenting him-
self; the people of Maastricht responding warmly, I
am burning inside, my lips in a tight line; trying to
remain ready to translate trigonometry
tomorrow - but I am not

The naughty James Bond girl got hold of the plot
graphic pictures in my mind that no-one must find
pasted pictures in my notebook, Wall.E and a dra-
gonfly fairy, I’m too excited to settle down, cannot
start on my book, have to discipline my mind, yet
to be scared again, feel anxiety - the only way
to force my focus into reality

Makes me so unhappy, I shall postpone feeling the
pain of transition tonight, it is impossible to alight on
the ground, my mind is floating beyond my little life
I can get it down by scaring myself; I refuse to do
so tonight, tomorrow I shall press the scorpion of
pain in my hand until the pain goes away, tonight
I shall allow my happy side out, even though

She is dangerous, in tears when reading poetry,
sings at the top of her voice, thin-lipped me
watching her carefully, she has no right to
exist, never works on a translation, when
she is in charge, she writes limericks,
playing on the Internet, she laughs
all the time

How can anyone stand it?

Periscoping In Fairyland

My mind resembles the croquet flamingoes in Alice
in Wonderland, when I try to hit reality’s hedgehogs
with my flamingo-mind it turns its long neck away,
I miss material reality completely, finding a meta-
physical universe in an immaterial dimension
which my brother says does not exist

I am overcome by the wonders of symbolism and
magical imagery, ideas about magnetism and
water reflecting human consciousness, near-
death-experiences and astral travel, paid
to play croquet with the Queen of Hearts
calling herself the Department of Arts

I try to turn my flamingo mind upright again and
aim for the hedgehog of reality in the messages
sent by the one-eyed Troll Interpol, sighing and
floating down to earth, aiming for the Interpol
message, missing again, beautiful words
shining like golden rays in my heart

Bewitching my thoughts, I am floating still, re-
membering I was given freedom to follow my
dreams, explore spiritual realms and visions
I cannot anchor my feelings in Interpol’s bay
while my flamingo mind is periscoping in
fairyland - in a joy I cannot describe

Vuvuzela And Carpediem

I shall vuvuzela and carpediem, found
The Prophetic Nun by Guy Butler in the
library, also Which Witch by Ibbotson as
requested by Nici, added Anastasia
Morningstar by Hazel Hutchins to
make an unequal three

When I play in broken elevator shafts
without reading warning signs, I should
fall down, but looking back to where I
have been I saw there was no shaft, I
had been suspended in the air, did the
angels pull me out

Members of that private investigation
agency in the sky that follow every step
I take, holding me up when I float away
in ecstasy, my brother says floating on
air is impossible, but I still float around
overjoyed because

I am free to explore without fearing
rejection by my fellowmen, as long
as I try my best to come
back again!

Chocolate And Alcohol

My focus is gone, gone, gone, curry and
spice, a lovely dish, attacking my brain,
lethargy and fatigue drive me insane, can-
not concentrate at all, must find a way to
reach for well-being myself

The allergy makes me hostile and angry
feeling estranged and alienated; actually
wars are fought because of what we eat
we project our discomfort into anger and
dissatisfaction

Were I feeling well, I would have been loving
but I feel like biting off somebody’s head
shouting and screaming and throwing a
tantrum, were I a soldier I would have
emptied my gun on the enemy regard-
less of strategy

This headache is enough to set fire to the
building, three horrible days of suffering for
curry in a dish, this is why Leonard Cohen
sings so forlornly, why the Aztec and Maya
plucked beating hearts from living victims in
religious frenzies

The maize they ate drove them insane, anger
is still enclosed in maize, last time I ate it I
felt persecuted, the perfect food for creating
wars, maybe the Judeo-Palestinian conflict
is triggered by the Palestinian diet, what do
they mostly eat?

Maybe the dietary rules in the Old Testament were
to preserve the people from eating food that would
mess with their brains, the destruction of others was
probably based on a need to change mankind’s diet
I always knew food was man’s downfall, we can only
be saved by chocolate and alcohol!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maize

Maize was the staple food of the pre-Columbian
and Mesoamerican civilization; attaching religious
and spiritual importance to maize which formed the
Mesoamerican people’s identity – killers sacrificing
living humans. - Did the Aztec and Maya disappear
due to the MAIZE-INSPIRED KILLER INSTINCT?

Allergy: Maize contains lipid transfer protein, an
undigestable protein which survives cooking and
is linked to an understudied allergy to maize in
humans causing skin rash, swelling and itching of
mucus membranes, asthma and headache.

Pellagra: When maize was introduced into other systems
it caused malnutrition. The surviving Americans soaked
maize in alkali-water, made with ashes or lime (calcium oxide)
which liberates the B-vitamin niacin, the lack of which causes
pellagra. This alkali process is called a Nahuatl (Aztec) name:
nixtamalization.

Pellagra also is a protein deficiency, resulting from lack of two
key amino acids in pre-modern maize, lysine and tryptophan.
Nixtamalisation increases lysine and tryptophan. Maize should
be balanced with beans and protein in meat.

The Good News

The good news is
war will always be
some stir up trouble
aggravating problems
to promote the solution
they have chosen before

Humans cannot agree on
a right way, disagreements
are necessary, turmoil will
always exist, wars will be
fought everywhere; yet
well-being abounds

Most people experience
happiness, we are free to
decide where we want to
align, using anything as
an excuse to live in
happy well-being

Sing Nikhilananda

Oh dear, the only advantage I derived
from looking through this book is the
lovely sing-song name of Nikhilananda
but as to the story of creation, it comes
too late for me

It has been destroyed by authors who saw
modern wonders in the Mabharata, atomic
bombs; as for purification and ethics, I have
seen enough in religion and humanism, be-
lieving in freedom first

Everything else is based on freedom’s glory,
once we realize the extent of our freedom and
know we are controlled by belief in determinism,
we can live as exalted beings; I wander far and
wide, trying every system

Just to find that every path is right, also the way
of Brahma, our culture and choices determine
our spiritual home; I shall leave Hinduism in
its traditional niche, seeking enlightenment
in things I can identify!

Swami Nikhilananda “The Upanishads”
Phoenix House, 1957

Greatest Fun Ever

The challenge is to learn about your viewpoint
and attitude to life, thoughts and ideas, taking
note what feelings, behaviour and results your
thoughts give rise to, to learn from the life you
present for scrutiny in your poetry.

I want to see whether my ideas come out unscathed
after presenting them to your prism mind, how the
light, form and sound of my ideas are changed when
they have passed through the prism of your mind.

I test my affinity with my ideas after you changed
them by your perspective, demeaning, belittling and
ridiculing them by changing their colouring, meaning,
appearance and feeling.

We seem to be evenly matched, I have not discarded
a single idea, feeling or thought I cherished before I
saw your evaluation of them; and you have not changed
anything ever since your ideas, thoughts and feelings
have been appraised by my mind prism.

It is a lovely contest to see whose loyalty to their pre-
conceived assumptions is the strongest, your dark-as-
night take on life, depicting an empty sensory world,
is a brilliant velvet black foil for all the glittering, co-
lourful, golden-light ideas, thoughts and feelings
I cherish.

You add excitement to life by providing the blackness
which makes it possible to discern the foreground with
clarity. Your concept of love, life and what constitutes
the good life serves as a blood-red passionate pain against
which my spiritual ideas appear to great advantage
in my eyes.

It seems as if you delight in saying hurtful things and it
affords me delight to retaliate by never accepting any
influence from your Weltschmertz and Elend - your
transitory, transient, sensory depiction of life.

If love were so limited, destructive, sensual, temporal
and powerless as you and most poets describe it, I could
not bear life; but my esoteric, spiritual take on love that
exalts in loving pure and chaste from afar, creates new
images and beauty that cannot be overpowered by the
darkness in which you revel.

I love this darkness for balancing the brightness I have
found in so many sources, like the fairytales and beautiful
fantasies I guard.

You can never take a single lovely fantasy away by belittling
it, the authors, the philosophical system or any other aspect,
the style, the writing, the intellectual level, or anything else.

I did not choose these fantasies on the ground of any of the
criteria you use. My criteria are Freedom, Benevolence and
Imagination Expansion – ALL my ideas are chosen this way.

My best defense lies in the knowledge that everything is
true and I choose with which truths I want to interact.

I include some bad things because they are exciting and
challenge me, but I choose WHICH bad things; your dark
perspective is a wonderfully exciting, challenging and
cheerful bad thing, therefore I love it, especially since
you cannot change my opinions.

I suspect you would dearly love to feel the conquest in
being able to say you won, that I agree with your ideas,
because I would dearly have loved to change your per-
spective a while ago, but now enjoy the fact that I cannot.

I think if we were keeping score, we would both score nil;
nil for changing each other’s ideas, but we do a brilliant
job of backgrounding each other’s ideas, no?

Strange, isn’t it, and the greatest fun ever, what say you?

Amendment: Since fighting for my ideals I have grown
stronger and more confident, so you score one for changing
the way I see myself - but since I gain by your scoring one
I wonder what the score is about - when you win the game
I shall be the winner!

Conflict Is Fun

‘Allo ‘Allo - Leesen verrry carefully, I weel

say zis only wurnce...!’ I fell under the spell

of a British comedy show, saw it years ago

never mastered those marvellous fake ac-

cents, will try to imitate the worst accents

I have ever heard, laughing until
my insides hurt

Abraham says we do not have to take the
bad, if we include only the good in our
vibration, only the good comes to us, but
that would be boring - we all look for a
kind of cheerful bad to enrich our boring
lives, imagine a world at peace – who
would the dictator be

Everybody marching to the same beat
and whose beat would be chosen, what
about variety, some want to unite all
religions in peaceful meditation, still
the question remains, whose taste will
be accommodated? Impossible, much
nicer to live in strife

Fighting religionists and atheists alike
conflict is fun, leading to
new synthesis!

Life Is Illusion

There goes my self-discipline, TV invading
my life, reality shows show-casing people
and talents, dance programs muddling my
mind, Top Gear car programs to laugh at,
nerd spy stories reviving feelings while
destroying dead protocol

Did only one document before dinner and
family and TV claimed me, never went near
my books, Nici explaining her problem with
beaus to her dad, I cannot listen to a teen-
ager’s ravings, her dad would have been
a great psychologist, he understands

While symbols and ideas make more sense
to me, not interested in psychology or socio-
logy, give me spiritualism and philosophy,
give me sound and melody, rhythm and
rhyme, but do not subject me to a voice
explaining soap opera experience

Life is illusion, all love is a mind-game, sense
experience is a biological event, short-lived
and transient, I want the essence behind the
appearance, the platonic world of perfection,
the eternal circle of infinite dreams and
celestial visions

Joy To Simply Exist

Marched down the street, my feet
following my square prize fighter’s
chin, focused on remaining a govern-
ment official making lists and typing
words, not allowing the playful James
Bond girl to put in an appearance

Found two books to shine on our destiny
within a wonderful spiritual universe beyond
our dungeon reality in which I must serve:
Swami Nikhilananda’s translation of the
Upanishads balanced by Song in Siberia -
true story of a Russian Church

By Deyneka, as soon as I have done
my work, translated my grey words, I
can visit esoteric visions in magical new
books I have never read before, but first
I must return to my document waiting to
be entered on my list, I work illegally

By making no list when I start, my criminal
soul rejoices in forbidden fruit, I break the
law by working on unlisted documents - as
long as I do something wrong, my concen-
tration and focus remain strong, I am
so glad we are forbidden to breathe

Think and eat at work, I only enjoy living life
once it is outlawed, when common sense and
ordinary activities are declared illegal, it is a
joy and privilege to simply exist!

New Ethical Imperative

All is well everywhere and you will never
get everything done, since life is supposed
to be fun, dance in the sun, everything you
want right now will never flow to you all
at once; if it could, you would be complete
and you could never be complete because
of eternal infinity

You, unsatisfied, in this place, now, feeling
incomplete, are in the best place you can be
know that you are right on track, right on time
everything is unfolding perfectly, all is well
have fun, no one is taking score, if you stop
taking score so much, you will feel better
immediately - feeling fine

Is all I want – therefore Terry Pratchett is right
bureaucracy, taking score, measuring every step
timing every breath, counting every word in every
document, taking everyone’s blood pressure and
pulse every five minutes, counting every hair,
every finger, hammering on knees to check
knee-jerk reactions

Is a devilish invention to make people experience
hell, if we live in hell on Planet Earth, anything
afterwards will be heaven in comparison, even
or specifically total oblivion, the Aztec and
Maya understood the concept, they sent all
their enemies, even young men and women,
to their death

By order of the priest under the guidance of some
inner vision, now we keep people alive to watch
them writhing in pain by keeping score of every
movement they make, every bowel movement
calling constipation a serious attitude to life
calling a liver complaint a gross violation
of bureaucracy

Where everything has to conform to the norm
the standard of conformity, where everything
only exists if it appears on a list, every action,
every word, every deed, every document, if
not blessed by official encryption in fifty dif-
ferent lists with ninety reference numbers
the thing is outlawed

And the culprit in remiss must make another
list!

A Nonsensical Phenomenon

Opened a bottle of Port, Allesverloren,
translated as Everything Lost, forgiving
myself for coming to earth as an evil spirit,
enthusiastic support for hubby’s exotic
dish until I tasted once too much

Gone the rapport we strived to reach, gone
the false friendship – How dare you go on
tasting, I want to present exquisitely, you
are thwarting my goals - wish I could throw
him and his dish into the sea, smiling

I am sorry, will not come near it again, realizing
it is impossible to please other people, some hate
the Torah, some hate creative writing; some hate
both, life is a nonsensical phenomenon, the only
thing to control is myself

I am going to read a fairytale and be sensible about
life – it is the biggest waste of everything there has
ever been, Terry Pratchett complains the gods do
not hear prayers – how wrong he is, Adolf Hitler’s
prayers were all heard and fulfilled

Because they were backed by the contemporary
European culture of Hitler’s age – only then did
praying Christians realize how loveless and
dangerous anti-Semitism and racism was,
how else could mankind learn…

Crime: Being Me

Made a grave mistake, tried to live like
an ordinary person, found all experience
lack durability, everything is temporary,
unsatisfactory, disillusionment is lived
by all people, I cannot breathe in their
universe, cannot live in a world consti-
tuted by sense experience, cannot
exist in perpetual pain

The only place I can breathe is in dreams,
Lewis Carrol’s Wonderland and James
Bond’s magical universe - their fantastic
experiences let me feel what happiness
is, I find refuge in a dream-world of soul-
mates, depicted in Universal Sufism, but
their ideal of universal peace would
bore mankind to death

Terry Pratchett writes brilliant descriptions
of self-created reality which make me cry
in despair, searching fulfillment through
sensual gratification is a nightmare, the
chronic pain in my head destroys all
beauty and dreams, now I have
found dreamland again, I will
not let go of it

Only dreams and visions can sustain me,
when I try to survive in reality I am rejected
and punished for being original, being unique
in a world made of uniform rules is a heinous
crime, I am guilty and go underground to hide
the accusations and pain from myself, I split
into different people who take turns
to face reality

While the real me lives an enchanted life in the
visions created by mystics and spiritualists,
without this device I would die of
humiliation and shame for the
crime of being me

See a Fantasy Me

BUT I do not have to wear high
heels or have Hollywood hair, I just
use my imagination, look in the mirror
and see a fantasy me as I would like
to be, feeling beautiful

Experience the excitement of challenge
and adventure, daydreams sustain me in
a life of meaningless routine, boring rules
against everything extraordinary; stirring
my undercover agent personality into
the mediocrity of statistics

My cover provided by official conformity,
as long as my mind is free to transcend
consensus reality where administration
is my most challenging enemy, as long
as courage does not fail me, I shall
never change into a robot

My mind brings every fairytale character to
life, my feelings rejoice in the experiences
created by visionaries; all fantasies are
safe in my hands, I cherish them all…

Play Role Of Idiot

Pratchett said the devil caught the ancient
Aztecs and Maya* making it too easy for the
common people to reach heaven in a happy
death through their practice of live human
sacrifice, it was all wrong

To create hell on earth they were instructed
to strive to improve the lot of their fellow men
their unimaginative attitude used to invent a
hellish bureaucracy, turning the minds of a
continent into sludge

Administration is the devil’s own invention
to kill the spirit, tonight I briefly escaped by
watching A View To A Kill, James Bond es-
caping a fire, climbing down a ladder with a
girl draped over his shoulders

Not a mark on her dress, high-heeled shoes
never lost, hair magnificent ; this is what life
should be like, I wish to be blown up since
I cannot wear high-heels and striking hair,
living the half- life of a zombie

A member of the undead, no mind left, heart
cold, only the brain automaton carry on,
swallowed by the snake of mediocrity,
required to play the role of idiot
in life’s charade

Terry Pratchett “Eric” Vista Edition 1996
Quoted from p. 57

*Aztecs and Maya are called Tezumen in “Eric”

My Word List

Checking my word list to see what
I have learnt - hm, yes, I have a
criminal record at work, the com-
petent authority is trying to bring
me to book

My superior moved for a motion
of no confidence in my writing
skills, I never make the time limit
while thinking up tricks, I had no
authorisation to write creative
messages

I want to sing the word Landwirt-
schaftskammer everywhere, it sizzles
on my tongue, Chamber of Agriculture
sounds nauseating in comparison...

Word List:
1. A motion of no confidence in [not against]
2. I have a criminal record
3. Zustimmung means authorisation [not approval]
3. Use time limit [not deadline]
4. Landwirtschaftskammer Nordrhein-Westfalen
becomes the Chamber of Agriculture of
North Rhine-Westphalia
5. the competent authority must monitor
compliance with conditions

Emptiness Is Everything!

Explained to everyone how we
were taught to form lovely words
like dainty ballet steps in a busi-
ness writing course

When I applied the lesson, words
twirling on their toes, I was brought
up short, forced to stuff the words
back into heavy boots

Make dissonant lines goosestep again
an official high in the hierarchy makes
a rule without any relevance to reality
forcing all words to march heavily

In a battered parade of frost-bitten
moth-eaten lines without meaning,
beauty, rhythm or imagery, true to
the grey ideals of bureaucracy

Emptiness is everything!

An Evil Creature

In trouble again for lack of professionalism
I am an evil creature, a blight in the night
spoiling the image of my Department
I am a disgrace to all of humankind

In the furthest galaxies a lament is going up
that horrible creature of the night has been
at it again, sent out an unprofessional
request for help to find interpreters

The whole Department is reprimanded for being
different from the rest of grey, classical, invi-
sible institutions, she used IMAGERY and
SIMILES in her email request

NO! Yes, the most atrocious kind, referred to
language practitioners as magicians – NOO!
Such effrontery, blasphemy! Asked them to
pull rabbits of information from

Their language magician’s hat – OH NOOO –
This is too much, she should be stoned, burnt
or crucified, I am terrified, what is the world
coming to - Kill, kill, annihilate, annihilate!

Hang her, maim her, pull out her tongue, cut off
her hands, break her knees, let her bleed unto
death! Let her corpse be hung in a public place
so all can see her disgrace

And teach their kids how to live the assembly-line-
life in George Orwell’s nineteen-eighty-four novel,
teach your children they are just another brick in
the wall, to become filing cabinets

Before they are grown, being a nonentity
is the only way to go!

A Separate, Unique Universe

Found the definition of wisdom
the mind is tied by rigid, limited
thoughts and ideas, the soul is
caught in this mind prison

Becoming wise requires unlearning and
contradicting one’s own ideas, the wisest
submits to others, the foolish stands firm
in their own opinion

The wise give up their thought easily -
accept its relativity, open to new ideas
all the time, look at everything from two
points of view, their own and another

This is why I enjoyed philosophy so much
embraced all new thought systems with an
open mind, trying them out, living the
thoughts of the thinkers of old

Existentialism was a most painful experience
while Dutch Reformism was even worse, I did
not cling to any preconceived thing, discovering
which ideas worked, applying everything

Finding proof in my experience, hubby still com-
plains about my habit to jump into every new
book, trying it out, forcing my thoughts and
feelings on him

All the strong people I love are dogmatic, look
upon every new thing with prejudiced eye,
refusing to test-drive another viewpoint -
but as long as they love me

Allow me freedom to try out new thoughts and
ideas, seeing everything from five different
viewpoints, losing myself; I adore them so
much and enjoy seeing the world

From their side – though I cannot stay there
with them, I must look through the eyes of
everyone else also; but I am loyal to all
these strong people who work and live

So beautifully – each one representing a
separate, unique universe!

HJ Witteveen “Universal Sufism”
Element Books 1997 p.108 & 109

Floating Amongst Purple Clouds

Floating amongst purple jacaranda clouds
enveloped by the sweet perfume of white
jasmine, in another universe a heroine in
a lovely dress is conversing with a
protagonist who does not exist

I hold on to my book about a kidnapped
prince, a slave to a rich man’s servants,
heart broken when the wizard and ogre
do not recognise him, demanding to
see the rich man’s spoiled son

My secret escape from reality where I
buried the fairy dust that would magic
life into something wonderful, deter-
mined to stay bound and gagged
until all my work is done

Managed To Dissociate

My mind managed to dissociate,
while I keep my thoughts in a firm
grip, not allowing joy to take away
my focus from my job, my mind
managed to create a new personage
who lives a separate life, having lots
of fun without affecting the clamped-
down bit I use for work

My mind also found a way to enjoy
a fairy tale in a separate compartment
so that the enclosed bit remains quite
dead, ready to read nasty little documents
thank heaven for the mind having many
mansions and dimensions, each capable
of functioning independently, I cannot live
in the present-tense ego bit

That handles the here and now, I have
to escape into other places and fictitious
characters thinking thoughts elsewhere,
or my heart would break…

Believe A Pumpkin Patch

Mother singing hallelujahs
and praise thee brought her
fast recovery about by her
optimism, she claims god
is good, but he would still
be good or bad regard-
less of her state of
health

She could believe in a
pumpkin patch and still
improve as she is so
upbeat and strong, her
own consciousness brought
about the situation, using
the law of attraction

To move in the sphere
of people loving her

Letter To The President

What a self-righteous,
opinionated, insulting
voice, delighting in
congratulating her
holy self, judging
other people

Telling the President
she did not vote for
him - but he had better
do his job, then claiming
to be the voice of god

So many awful, ugly,
nasty voices claim to
speak for a disembo-
died being then hatred
spews forth, I always
run and realise
religion is a
sham!

Lips Tight, Determined

So weird, so typical of me; remaining
consciously depressed in order to do
my work, the moment I grow happy, I
cannot sit still and read and translate
boring documents

Discussing poetry and creative writing
with others will lift my mood and sinking
into a fantasy will make me feel wonderful
but then I shall stop working; I have to do
quite a few boring documents

Meditating and being grounded in the here
and now, focusing on what is around me is
NOT nice, making me feel totally depressed
therefore I keep looking at the here and now
to remain in depression

Lips in a tight, determined line, mind closed
to deeper reality, I stick with my job; sunk in
a headache and feeling of boredom which
only lifts when reading about ogres and
happy evil things

I hate material life, it does not work for me,
in order to live it, I have to remain
deeply depressed…

There Is Nowhere Else

Keeping my mind
stable on a minor key,
not daring to enjoy anything,
do not want to lose concentration
not allowing time for joyous me

Remaining tethered to the here and now
is dreadful, only words about ogres and
witches in a book reaching beyond the
misery, determined to force my un-
willing spirit to stay the course

Never created anything else
hung in there because
there is nowhere else …

People commend awareness and
meditation as an antidote to depression
but so-called reality depresses me, I can
contemplate, but never meditate…

Alienation Complete

E-mail message from my twin - I am fed
up, feel terrible, everywhere I look I see
awful people making a noise - I suppose
it is our bio-rhythm, I feel ghastly also,
listless, a headache, aggression barely
suppressed, alienation complete

The chaos we see is but a reflection of
our mental disorder, sleepy without the
ability to fall asleep, feeling fatigue even
when I do nothing, I feel like climbing the
walls in frustration with --- ME! Nobody
outside can touch me inside

I project my own feelings outside, isola-
tion and estrangement, when we were
small my dad drove around until we fell
asleep, being grown-up we have no
recourse to external help, she fights
her way through depression

While I try quiet and contemplation, but
nothing helps, I still feel as if I am lost
at sea on a rudderless raft without land
or help in sight, communication with
others has completely stopped…

My Spirit Shall Be Free!

Being fair and non-judgmental I tried
the advice of health aficionados, brought
potatoes in the skin to the office for a
nourishing lunch, ended up with chemical
imbalance, so much for healthy stuff

Give me toxins and poisons and everything
deadly you can think of, as long as it tastes
good and gives the system a kick, I need
only live a short while in as happy a state
as is possible, since healthy food tastes
awful and then makes me feel worse

It lowers my quality of life and should be
eschewed with religious devotion, we take
our feelings with us when we die, not our
bodies, if body preservation makes me un-
happy I will have nothing of it, I shall eat
and drink what taste buds prescribe

Living happily so I can share my happiness
with others and take it with me after death,
leaving all rules and prescriptions on earth
at death, I shall love wildly, overindulge in
beauty and give free rein to anger just as
I shall give free rein to all passion

And my spirit shall be free!

Declaring Blood Flow

I blame Terry Pratchett for the
bureaucratic confusion in which
we live our lives: Spiritual books
claim every thought ever thought
exists somewhere

Therefore his scenario of a new devil
taking over hell and replacing good
old-fashioned torture by hot tar and
burning fires with reading legislation,
rules and regulations

Old ladies recounting their holidays
in detail until the listener burns in frus-
tration in a fire hotter than any outside,
until the new devil was banished to an
administrative hall in hell

Compiling lists in multi-coloured pens,
drawing graphs and statistics - our Human
Resources Section are under his dominion,
doing just that; every new whim of theirs
must be satisfied

Without their victims ever receiving feed-
back, Terry Pratchett meant no harm at the
time, but we are stuck in this web of growing
forms and statistics declaring direction of blood
flow, capacity of ventricles

The state of our lungs, the capacity of the gall-
bladder and the number of corns we have…

A Love Song

- If love lives in the lover’s admiration
for the beloved, rejection will not kill
it - I envision that she left to set a
test for him, will he rise to meet
her dreams? -

He can do anything he wants,
his power is unlimited, she sees
that and she wonders, will he use
his power to come to me, will he
listen to my words and understand
my needs, will he change the world
for me?

He is powerful beyond anything
he says, and she wonders – he sings
a song of longing and desire for my
love - will he prove his feeling by
looking in my eyes and listening to
my lips? If he wants my touch, will
he ask me how he can serve

And when I tell him, will he prepare
a space in which there will be place
for me and all I need? Will he create
a special refuge that is so huge I can
breathe and live and give him all the
love and care he needs without
losing any of my dreams?

Love From Afar

We are held back by limits preventing us
from sharing love and joy with the people
we adore, the only answer I found is to love
pure and chaste from afar, to dream the
impossible dream with Don Quixote, to
reach for the unreachable star

My sources agree that death shall fulfil our
ideals, then I shall be free to love as much
as I want without physical constraints, the
only limit will be the freedom of choice of
the people themselves; whether they
want to communicate with me

Luckily, a lack of response kills the love
we feel quite effectively!

Treasure Of Precious Jewels

The real purpose of my life is to create a new
mind, filled with love and beauty, joy and har-
mony, but to accomplish that, I should learn
how to exist in a holographic world where
everything is possible

Before we can be allowed to make a final choice,
we have to compute possibilities and probabilities
I am trying to work my way through all alternatives
and I love the treasure of precious jewels I have
assembled thus far

But I am never content, I always want more, held
back by the limits that prevent us from sharing
love and joy with the people we adore, perplexed
by the way most of us prefer to believe in pain
and tragedy, enjoying our misery

I think we are addicted to problems, it keeps us
healthy and bouncy and so deliciously full of
conflict and challenges, it makes us strong
and prevents us from dying of boredom!

Minor Chord Of Beauty

Inayat Khan of Universal Sufism uses the same
words as RA Moody, a scientist, and Deepak
Chopra of Hindu origin, to describe human
condition right after death

The soul encounters a world it has made during
its life on earth, the mind becomes a world, the
imagination becomes reality where the mind’s
contents, all experiences in memory

Determine how this new life is; joy of joys, delight
of delights, the soul rises to the standard of its ideal
and does the work it desires, oh wonderful, joyous
marvellous destiny!

Then I shall finally be happy, I am going to pick up
my dusty ideals, polish and shine them again, stare
at my beautiful dreams and add a few more, imbibe
the dreams of other great thinkers and visionaries

Augment my own ideas with the flights of imagination
of spiritual masters and teachers, preparing a mind
filled to the brim with the music of the spheres – in
which I shall be a minor chord of beauty!

HJ Witteveen “Universal Sufism” Element 1997
pp. 81, 82

My Fair Lady

Translated into Afrikaans: O Wonderskone Dame

Your life, little girl, is an empty page, that men will
want to write on - Jou lewensverhaal is tog so vaal
tot jy die pret kan inhaal

I am sixteen, going on seventeen, fellows will fall in line
Ek is sestien, word nou sewentien, manne sal my begeer

Fellows I meet will tell me I’m sweet, and willingly
I’ll believe! - Komplimente vir my, ek sal lekkerkry,
ek kan my nie beheer!

Tender and shy and scared am I, to face a world of men
Bang en dom en skaam is ek, teenoor alle mans, sien hulle
my dan so hier alleen, vat elkeen ‘n kans

You are someone older and wiser, telling me what to do,
you are seventeen, going on eighteen, I’ll depend on you!
- Jy is hier vir my plesier, dit kan ek sommer sien; jy is
sewentien, word nou agttien, ek vertrou op jou!

************************************************

I could have danced all night, and still have begged
for more - Ek sou heelaand kon dans, met of sonder
mans, en steeds vir meer kon vra

I could have spread my wings and done a thousand
things I’ve never done before - Ek sou my vlerke sprei
van pure lekkerkry, en steeds aaneen kon dans

I’ll never know what made it so exciting - Ek sal nooit
weet of mens kan meet, hoe groot die vreugde

Why all at once my heart took flight!
Waarom my hart omhoog opstyg!

I only know when he, began to dance with me, I could
have danced, danced, danced, all night! - Al wat ek
weet is dat toe hy met my wou dans sou ek my
lewe lank kon wals!

****************************************************

All I want is a room somewhere, far away from the
cold night air - Al wat ek al ooit wou hê, ‘n knus klein
plekkie waar ek kan lê

With one enormous chair, oh, wouldn’t it be luverly
Met ‘n oorgroot stoel, o wonderlike lieflikheid

Lots of chocolates for me to eat, lots of coal making
lots of heat – Alles sjokolade om op te eet, die hitte
van ‘n vuur wat warm opvlam

Warm face, warm hands, warm feet, oh, wouldn’t it be
luverly - ‘n Lyf so warm, en hand en voet – o wonderlike
lieflikheid

Oh so luverly sittin’ absoblu-melu-tely still, I would
never budge till spring, crept o’er the windowsill!
O so wonderlik feestelik om stil te sit, ek sou nooit
beweeg totdat lente weer verskyn!

Someone’s head resting on my knee, warm and
tender as he can be, who takes good care of me
oh, wouldn’t it be luverly! - ‘n Liefde rus sy
hoof op my, warm en liefdevol naby, hy
kyk so mooi na my, o wonderlik
feestelik!

Pygmalion, George Bernard Shaw

I Offer You My Love

Scared stiff by yet another
half-year review, the bridge
thrown by my soul over my
spirit’s dark abyss and my
fear’s deep crevasses and
unfathomable precipices

Went up in flames, the little
alien in my head fell down
unconscious, shocked, stuck
in a mine-shaft of despair,
I picked him up, completed
the review while burning

In humiliation and fear, tonight
I shall seek the heights of con-
templation where my soul should
find peace; seeking something to
love totally, absolutely, endlessly
since I need your love

I offer you my love and devotion,
my highest ideals…

Carlo Carretto “The Desert In the City” Collins 1979
Quoted from page 18 “The desert is a suspension
bridge thrown by the soul over the dark abyss of its
own spirit, over the unfathomable precipices of its
own fears. Such a desert leads to the heights of
contemplation where the soul, at peace at last,
lives by Him whom it loves totally, absolutely
and endlessly.”

In The Dog-Box Again

Swimming in the pool, the water soft and
cool, the day’s conversation going through
my mind, June lamenting the frequent work
reviews we have to complete without any
response, reading correspondence, re-
playing replies in my head

Hanlie’s laughter, Hermien’s insistent typing
my own boredom with my legal document
dreaming of books I can’t wait to read, the
texts I brought home for forcing self-dis-
cipline upon myself, wish I could
stay in a state of meditation

Until my mind switched off…

In an exemplary show of good intent I looked at
my document, statement and invoice for trans-
lation, losing courage seeing new terms, cold
and alone, no grammar or sentence structure
but June has bequeathed me with Monty
Python’s “Life of Brian – Immaculate
Edition”

A DVD to be enjoyed; hubby ready to watch
Chuck the spy-nerd series, I want to watch
So You Think You Can Dance afterwards
conscience demanding work to make up
for my slow progress – yet letting go of
the wonder of these moments at home
would be such a waste

I will keep the work with me wherever I go
until it is finished, without missing a beat
of the happy things happening around
me – and just as I was enjoying new
rapport with all aboard, hubby dis-
covered the loss of five silver
coins which I took

Without consent - aha, the end of
my new-found peace, in the
dog-box again…

13 October 2009

A Tendency to Exist

Last half-hour at the office, tired, head
thick, longing for escape, patiently packing
my documents, determined to keep reading
them until all rebellion has left my system,
letters begging for money, an unfolding
criminal case

I even lost interest in Carlo Carretto’s desert
meditation and the Sufi’s illuminated ecstasies,
no materialists with positivist fixations on sen-
sory stimulation left – all gone to bed; nobody
to tell about causal life replaced by

A tendency to exist

I had better follow my tendency to go home
and contemplate life in more
auspicious circumstances….

My Wild Desire

Now my credit card is gone, library
membership is free and I can read
to my heart’s content! Reading Desert
In the City by Carlo Carretto, a Catholic
priest, in obedience to the exhortation in
the Islamic book on Universal Sufism to
seek balance, harmony and beauty

Both spiritual books offer a harmonious
view of spiritualism, embracing all religion,
exhorting us to concentration also, I shall
concentrate on balancing everything by
discussions with my voluble brother who
understands my wild desire to find out
all there is about the human soul…

Carlo Carretto “The Desert In the City” Collins 1979
HJ Witteveen “Universal Sufism” Element Books 1977

Delight In Being

‘Tis strange, nobody needs me as myself with
my strong points and shortcomings, they need
service and care of a certain kind and if I
provide they accept that I am there

But the words that gurgle in my throat and the
laughter that bubbles on my lips, my sense of
humour and view of the world, my questions,
thoughts and ideas are outlawed

This is why I write, to communicate the feelings
and thoughts that live within, never verbalised,
expressed in writing and pictures, the real me
delight in being and seeing

Listening and thinking, escaping the bonds
of humanity!

What Enchantment?

What happened, what enchantment is this
I have been accepted into the family circle,
lost the feeling of alienation, the aggression
out of the air

I read through my text, then everybody wanted
to watch my favourite program, I saw dancing
without having to argue, though I still cannot
complete my work

I am not scared any more – who brought this
about, the consciousness of readers who felt
my fear and rejection or my mother’s prayers,
the help of my brother

Who listened to my tears - allowed to be part
of the group, my silence and good behavior
are bearing fruit, I will try harder in future,
listen with love

Not with fear and rejection, I am fighting my-
self, some of the rebellion melted away, I
accept that being myself is not considerate
enough, I wish to learn

I have no financial sense, want to be a support
for all I love, become more refined, lose some
of my Attila the Hun attitudes, so overjoyed
I must have received

Supernatural help!

Heart Breaking Again

Once again brought ALL my documents home
refuse to watch TV, refuse to do anything until
I have mastered my projects, reading the Dutch
legal request, reads like Greek to me, I do not
understand a single term, can’t find equivalents
on Google at all, even direct translation requests
brought no results, verbalisant with Lurisnummer
where the hell am I supposed to find that?

I am the worst translator that’s ever been, cannot
stand the pressure of trying to master Dutch at my
high old age, the books we read at school never
prepared me for this - Gerdientje, Ciske de Rat
Orpheus in de Dessa, – oh no – Kaas by Willem
Elsschot – this Is terrible, all the saddest stories
were in Dutch, I cannot read this without
my heart breaking again!

Gerdientje - ?
Ciske de Rat - ?
Orpheus in de Dessa - ?
Kaas – Willem Elsschot

Complete Withdrawal

Narcolepsy, eyelids closing
in fatigue, head hanging heavily,
pushing my emotions back into
the deepest recesses of my mind
uses up all my power

Frustrated inability to change the
situation, not allowed freedom at
home because my gregarious nature
has been outlawed, wearing a social
mask at work, complete withdrawal

The continuous strain is taking a heavy toll
I want to fall asleep for a long, long time…

My Self-Portrait

Ate a Russian roll to enjoy the toxic poison
listening to my Staal Burger CD, the sound-
track delightful, taking aim with my James
Bond fountain pen, bgghhhhhh, blowing up
the office, looking at my self-portrait in great
satisfaction and self-congratulation, looking at
the devastation, the picture Zen sent me and I
thank him, this is the way the world should end!

Work At Will

Because I feel ill, I seek energy in
anything, when I eat, the allergy be-
comes worse, I am tired all the time
and read spiritual books on inner
harmony and beauty, the Sufi’s say
life is all about balance

If I were a happy, healthy me, I would
not have read spiritual books, seeking
for help; I would have sung and danced
in the sun - if we chose our own problems
before the soul came to earth, I must have
chosen this for a specific purpose

Not able to concentrate, another failure
according to the Sufi’s, I cannot enjoy ac-
tivities, drifting about as restless as foam
on the sea, as unhappy as a roaming spirit
doomed to frequent the earth; hiding my dis-
comfort because I should not break diet rules

Sometimes getting well shortly, but this time
sinking into a well of allergic headache and
fatigue, I do not know how to hide this from
colleagues, do not want them to carry my
burdens, this weekend I did not finish my
work which is lagging behind

Soon I shall have to confess why my work is
standing still; if only I could work at will!

Sad Beauty

All my meditation came to naught, I am
still petrified with fear when thinking of
the Dutch document and the list with
which to prove I really exist

Got hold of a book on Sufism to wake up
my mind, discovering I think like a Sufist
in my desire to become a melody, in my
wish to be a minor tone of sad beauty

I wrote yesterday my heart opened like a
flower and the Sufi Master says the same:
The heart is a flower blooming in beauty,
spreading its perfume - perplexed

I put the book aside, cannot concentrate,
still caught in a cold fear for life that makes
me long for escape, I wish I could cry away
the anxiety in the arms of my love

But he wants peace and quiet, no problems,
he said, I respect his need and keep the fear
inside, I shall keep looking for help to release
me from this estrangement…

Dr HJ Witteveen “Universal Sufism” Element Books, 1997
p. 13 Muslih-ud-Din compares the heart to a flower that
blooms in beauty and spreads its perfume

p.27 Inayat explained the magic of his music in this way:
“My music is my thought and my thought is my emotion.
Diving into the ocean of feeling, I bring forth beautiful pearls
of melodies. Music creates feeling within me even before
others feel it. Music is my religion, to achieve perfection.”

Class English Butler Voice

Cleaning the kitchen after watching the
end of Step Up II, becoming a character,
dancing my way through the chore, dis-
covering the dust storm covered all in a
film of red dust

Commenting loudly in my best upper class
English butler voice on the condition of the
kitchen, Tiaan complaining I’m making too
much noise - intrigued to discover that in
order to produce this aggravating voice

I have to pull the corners of my mouth down,
understanding why some people always wear
a sneer and a frown – the facial expression pro-
duces the voice they like, the sound with which
they express their disapprobation

Of everything on earth, our mental attitude deter-
mines the line of our mouths and wrinkles round
our eyes, Tiaan remarked for this new sound I made
there were no pills; that is how accurately moods re-
flect in our accents!

Movie called “Step Up II”, only saw the end, upper-
class accent based on old BBC programs and “Carry
On” movies.

Seen On Screen

Never Say Never Again – I love it when
James Bond blows up Fatima Blush with
his fountain pen, I want to blow up every-
one who crosses me in anything, such as
the lady in the black Golf challenging me
in my white monster today

I was cruising happily when she tried to
cut in from the left, without batting an eye-
lid I kept right on the tail of the car in front
of me, she had to fall back, she attacked
from the right, trying to push me from
the road, but I continued

Without slowing down, it gave me the same
adrenaline rush as when James Bond killed
and destroyed all enemies of good citizenry
I feel the same joy; I point my finger at every-
one while making explosive noises and
see a signature James Bond girl

When I look in the mirror – oh, it is lovely to
have an overactive imagination, to become
one of the characters I have seen on screen,
we used to act out movies when we were at
school, today I still do it, and I always will!

Heart Like A Flower

Stared at beautiful orchids this morning
my heart opening up like a flower, fear
and stress fell away, my silence at home
is appreciated, life is still safe, withdrawal
is me-time, mother is fine, I shall concen-
trate until I conquer my document, face
into my problems like a true soldier

My little problems supply me with a cross
so that my loved ones are safe, I prefer
being an outcast to popularity, it is a great
learning experience, I find joy and beauty
where others find none, tonight I shall
meditate on lists and Dutch legal terms
until the fear and depression subside

Unwinding Reality Reels

My chaotic study reflecting the state
of my mind, not interested in picking
up junk, organizing mental DVD’s of
experience and mind music CD’s

Petrified depression holds me on the
lowest mental level in my mind while
waiting for this day to break over me
in waves of self-pity and alienation

The work I brought home continuously
firing accusing arrows into my battered
mental armour; I should complete jobs
to be destroyed within a short time

Life consists of nonsensical activities to
to make the time pass that forces us to
live much too long, some find enough
joy in virtuous action to keep repeating

Routines that kill time completely, others,
like me, seek eternity behind unwinding
reels of reality, finding death and decay
make up the inter-subjective consensus

Of the illusion called life, we do not have
peace inside, repetitive actions drive me
insane, knowing life is a game that I do
not want to play according to rules

Determined by others, I cannot wait to
leave this material place of physical
reality that worships the sensory as
the only sacrament…

Secret To Be Defended

Both Nici and Tiaan left the company
the Voice is holding forth with a nasal
condescending insistence which leaves
everybody dumb, arguing without
interference from the kids and
me, we surrendered to the
inevitable

Can’t compete with such vehemence
another week of banishment in my
own home, observing rules, when I
in infinite effrontery voiced an
opinion, a ferocious reaction
taught me - hold my tongue
be invisible

This is somebody else’s show, within
another week or two the house will
be ours again, until then we lie low
hide behind laptop and books
reading and covering up an
illegal depression, a secret
to be defended

Until the very end…

Depression Entrenched

This world is perfect and people are fine
but I am not fine myself, I hide the fact as
best as I might, currently I can’t concentrate
I should be sacked, the auditors, everyone
sighs, oh, what will the auditors say?

Meantime the budget is overspent, my employers
are just like me, the whole Department in the red
depression entrenched, the world is a paradise
and I am the snake, that’s rather sad, the bad
apple in the batch - my best friend says

I am a psychological case, most people believe
life is bad and love is in vain, there is no god and
belief is a sham, I believe the opposite – that life
is wonderful with awareness everywhere, love
is great, I fear only ME as my real enemy

The fear and unwillingness in my heart, if only
I could find a spark to give me hope, make me
work hard, take away anxiety, I have lost my
confidence, just one ray of hope will lift me
up, but I look in vain