The Dream We Conjured [Rev]

It rained coffee tequila on the 31st of May, my
beloved’s birthday, with new amusing phrase
“performance of non-service”, plus “malicious
compliance” jest; fulfilled my legal agreement
while dreaming of Time having a son running
around without comprehending why he can’t
be all-there - it comforts me for not being all-
there myself: half of my mind’s gone, the bits

retained need be restrained from wondering
why life's supposedly fun, tho mine isn’t, or
at least not enough of the kind I desire, and
once admired; the comfort and sweetness of
symbolism is gone leaving only bright, cold
light of empty reality where no-one ever fulfils
dreams they’ve conjured; now to get used to
having used up my imagination - & so being

Left with the dross of common-sense; my Big
Bro understands and keeps the vision of what
I used to dream alive, so I thrive - without him
my mind would shrivel up and die

[Thursday 31 May 2018]

End Of A Life-Line [REV]

In the mezzanine meeting room undetected by the
powers-that-be, but, for all my colleagues to see I
was there, sitting cross-legged on the floor: trying
to understand African-accent administrative-speak
and bureaucratic mumbo-jumbo is fruitless, it will
not elevate me to acquire the ability to function in
an office environment where I feel hysterical when

Every sentence I write is changed - just for the hell
of changing it in a hadean dimension; realising that
only by joining Lobsang Rampa’s Tibetan world of
spiritual phenomena can I enjoy a life leaving no
room to breathe, no space to move, & no joie-de-
vivre; reading ferociously and ducking behind the
chairs of my staid colleagues, I survive without

Heartache as life is wasted on talking rituals filling
space with meaningless terms destroying the spirit
and soul of the desperate listener - now back in the
office still weighing every word in translating a legal
agreement, filling the stream of unhinged moments
bubbling nonsensically with humour self-referenced
in comical sentences, to keep abreast this cascade

Floundering through the space of my reality where
simple existence trumps non-being: but I can’t find
meaning as time carries me to the end of a life-line
where a different form of consciousness will receive
the baton of awareness within a framework of new
rules and regulations…

[Tuesday 29 May 2018]

The Larger Scheme

Time to make my peace with who I am, face a
reality I was unaware of & later ignored when
realisation dawned subliminally - then fought
by diving into dreams: I’m not blessed with a
talent to make friends & defining friendship
as a moral duty for eternity, is not helping

Looking at the bleak, expressionless faces of
colleagues who have no desire to speak on
this winter morn’, has me duly chastised and
chagrined by the taciturn coldness of these
dedicated minions of the translating trade
who righteously disdain my incongruent

Mind; after confessing this I move from sad
to angry for failing to belong among exalted
intellectual beings who can’t bear the idea
of a weirdo in their midst; but I’ll meditate
upon the Eastern holy men walled up for
years to reach new spiritual insights –

Proving physical appearance meaningless
in the larger scheme of things…

[Wednesday 23 May 2018]

We spent 2 - 6 May 2018 in Ballito at the Natal coast...

 

 

 

 

 

 

Regret [R]

And thus I’ve got the right to sing the blues
‘coz I’m brain-damaged & due to substance
abuse I often sleep on the cold hard tiles feet
freezing while wheezing with a blocked nose;
yet I’ve had to live with open contempt of our
local Marie Antoinette & painfully swathed in

Tight shoes slit for inflammation relief I well
know what an alligator feels like achompin’
on my legs when muscle spasms increase
as I stomp down the street - shocked people
stop & stare - they sympathise while I pass,
humming to myself, shrivelled left arm

Carrying my heavy bag day by day; yup -
singin’ the blues comes naturally to me, my
life is regret for misuse of time gone by

[Thursday 10 May 2018]

Designed To Maim

Eleven months after stopping Lyrica I still feel
haunted, persecuted, the wrong person in the
wrong place at the wrong time - no wonder the
users want to commit suicide; feeling guilty or
just being remiss, convinced of wrongdoing

Trying to accomplish a job against this over-
whelming feeling of being in the wrong, being
stupid, dumb, idiotic, redundant – this devilish
Lyrica WANTS me to die, is happy in its lyrical
killing of the physical system, it enjoys dealing

Death to the cells, the pains and aches in my
burning feet and inflamed muscles and bones,
this drug from hell wants the victim in surgery
permanently, inflamed gut to be cut out, eyes
burning, ears hurting, aneurisms, ligaments

Shrivelling, mind inflamed by the atmosphere
and force of death to all cells, enforced death
and destruction: Lyrica is the perfect weapon
to destroy life & change the victim into a self-
destructive moron, pregabalin is a poison

Designed to maim and teach human beings
they are sinners who deserve to suffer and
die painfully for justice to be fulfilled…

[Tuesday 8 May 2018]

Be And Breathe [Revised]

My mental state seems to reflect the sadness,
world-weariness and despair of the murderer
in the Agatha Christie book Nemesis, instead
of the quiet contentment & acuity in dear Miss
Marple’s thought processes – why would this
be, why this when I haven’t committed a crime,
why not content with being a non-entity when
my mother of 84 can still find interest in life &
music, singing and friends?

Maybe being a hermit’s not such a good thing,
yet changing the habits of a life-time seems
impossible: meditation and reading have to be
enough in this sedentary life and when health
returns as it always does, life plain and simple
must suffice while finding things I’d like to do -
today, alas, is grey and meaningless and thus
I long for chocolate and dream of adrenaline
which can only result from

Challenges: I wish I could change myself, be-
come a happy person simply content to be
and breathe…

[Monday 7 May 2018]

Lost The Relief

The office building’s not so bad: only two lifts
permanently out of order, one with a Chinese
soundtrack obviously unwilling to function out-
side China, also the outsourcing process run
by an ignoramus requesting IT firms to quote
for doing translations - the sun late in rising -

But being at the seaside was so much better,
reading Agatha Christie and revelling in Miss
Marple’s thought processes, she never knew
a 104-year old scientist would request death
in Switzerland - or post-Lyrica patients would
lament inability to stop more victims from

Losing quality of life while suffering brain dys-
function for non-existent pain relief – I can’t
breathe; sitting here or falling asleep I simply
can’t breathe, fighting fatigue in this never-
ending routine of dealing with life as it is; I’ve
lost the relief of being able to hope & dream

[Van Wyk Louw Building called Sechaba House,
Pretoria, Monday 7 May 2018]