Cinderella's Tribute

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I don’t know how to reach my twin sister, our birthday
in Aquarius, count nine months back for Astrogenetic
conception date, Cancer, the home-making caretaker

My sister makes a home for my parents, I want them to
realize the great qualities of grandma Alice, a Virgo
perfectionist working like Cinderella in caring for us

Mother, Leo-Queen of Hearts, father Conan-Sagittarian-
Barbarian, brother Aries-Attila the Hun, brother Aquarius-
Peter Pan; Tom Thumb-the youngest brother

My sister, the peppery-tongued Duchess and me, Alice
in Wonderland - the Queen of Hearts angered Alice by
claiming she would have been good at mothering

If Cinderella were not there, forgetting every time Cin-
derella was absent, nothing changed; she did not start
mothering; I LIKE the Queen for not mothering me

I want grandma Alice to go to the ball now she is dead,
receive due praise for all she did in caring for seven
people; father, mother and five unruly kids

The Queen should thank Cinderella for working so hard
making amends for the trouble she brought when she
stole for her son, the Queen’s brother

Who was saved by Barbarian-Conan father, the Queen
shouting “Off With Their Heads!” about us all, especially
because her kids did not qualify as

Pastors or missionaries, my Duchess-sister walks next to the
Queen while stabbing at Conan who has been exploited for
his money, the Queen wants all cash in her hands

‘All money is mine,’ she declares even though she lost every
property entrusted to her; sister angry because Alice in
Wonderland pays no tribute to the Queen of Hearts

Insisting on Cinderella receiving tribute instead…
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Easy Use Of Subterfuge

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To cover up real mistakes and selfishness, it
is very easy to use subterfuge and apologise
for something we did not do to throw our inter-
locutors off the scent of the shameful truth

When I receive irrelevant apologies, I know that
person is trying to cover their tracks for doing
something much, much worse; attempts at
blackmail make me so angry

Some people leave distrust in their wake, make
everybody look bad, turn the world into a scary
alien place where everyone appears totally
irrational, force others to take the blame

Never admit involvement in the ensuing chaos, the
fury they unleashed, masters of emotional manipu-
lation, pulling the strings of all around while they
sit back in wonderment to regard the warfare

With childish innocence, claiming they love all, why
should others be furious when led into financial ruin,
dealing with the consequences of another person’s
bad decisions and grave mistakes

Those who exploit are teaching people to be wary of
the idiocy of altruistic financial transactions which
end in loss and bankruptcy, teaching people to
guard against credulous stupidity

When forgiveness is asked for neglect when we were
young, a slur is cast on the loving care we had, the
positive idea of meek apology becomes a cover for
criticism, the presence of such is a test

For loyalty and integrity, I love wisdom more than life
itself, accept every lesson that promote good relations
strengthen self-esteem, reject people who practice
exorcism on me and my beloveds

People crying in my sister’s ear while talking to me
rationally, causing rifts between my sister and me
by feeding us contradictory information, rewriting
the past to cast themselves in a positive light

Questioning those who loved me as they proved subse-
quently when they continued to care for me after I had
been subjected to injudicious exorcism…
*

High Ideals And Admirable Deeds

*“It doesn’t matter who a person is or
what a person looks like, so long as
a person is loved. You are loved” *

Do you know you are loved, does this
make a difference to your soul? Shall
I tell you again - you are so very much
loved, you mean so much to me, the
qualities that might estrange you from
other people, make me rejoice

Though I quarrel with you, it’s because
I suspect you are able to do so much
more than the lesser endowed, I ex-
pect so much more from you, more
compassion and understanding; the
character of a superior person

Makes me dream of high ideals and
admirable deeds – that is how I see
your soul, while I enjoy your human
failings that keep you from leaving
the rest of us too far behind…


“The Bus People” by Rachel Anderson,
Oxford University Press 1989, * pp 6-7
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My Mental Citadel

*
A fanatic Sufi poet, a thwarted nightclub
musician, got hold of the electric piano in
church today, crooning love songs to the
Lord, playing Oh When The Saints Come
Marching In so loud I had to shout to hear
myself

The overpowering volume hurt my ears, your
words reverberating in my mind ‘You Are Too
Damn Sensitive’ - I looked at the members of
my clan sitting so beautifully clad with babies
in diaphanous tutus to be baptized, proud of
this sociological phenomenon

When the Sufi crooner stopped, the pastor in cold
scholarship mode instructed us Psalm One teaches
we should only talk with those filled with piety and un-
worldly joy, only meditate on God’s Law, I thought of
the cathedral in my mind where all my thoughts and
dreams are alive

Of your shock on discovering all the fairy tales, magic
shows, New Age and religious books in my head, your
kind concern for me as a victim of innocence, I showed
you the violent scenes of my former life, the reason
for my choosing wonderment and innocence
in an act of faith

I feared you would destroy my mental citadel, but
you understood, put a protective spell around the
fantasies that saved me from drowning in a sea of
ignorance, promising that the symbols I employed
to combat alienation and hostility would always
be safe with you

I was overjoyed, the cosmic drama perpetuated in
religion as symbol of inner truth is safe, you do not
object to the alternative universes constructed by
Terry Pratchett, Jane Roberts and Bible Code
prophets, you know my loyalty to you as an
example of sweet reality

Is strengthened by a myriad dreams, I honour all
I come across, I admire your devotion to the
cause of poetry as powerful words to
energize and inspire people, making
them rejoice in sound…
*

Happy And Free

*
It is that time of the year when I start
to believe I might be able to achieve
all kinds of miracles, the house is filled
with white rolls and cold meats, it tastes
delicious to me, I can’t stop eating, I feast
on every illegal dish, drinking migraine pills
by the dozen, always hoping that the pro-
blems of food intolerance will be gone
through the miracle of belief

I keep ‘Seth Speaks’ on my bedside table,
living in the here and now without a fantasy
at the back of my mind, I’m holding onto
Seth’s assurance that we are living many
lives simultaneously, meaning I can enjoy
this one without worrying it is all there is,
the beauty of infinity will safely go on
even while I keep my focus solely
upon my little world

My heart is as light as a feather, telling
grandma Alice all is forgiven, knowing
that she never did anything that needs
absolution, but feeling her guilt, I ab-
solved us both from any blame put
upon us by others less fortunate in
making decisions to blame and
to hate – and now I feel calm,
happy and free…
*

Honour Them

*
Father and mother approve of their own lives
remember being great parents, scaring me into
obedience to such an extent I disappeared, was
a great way to teach me humility

They are good Christians who never held onto
possessions, saved the souls of my siblings by
teaching them it is wrong to own anything, being
disciples of Jesus with only enough to eat

My brother Ian and I reject their culture of living
in poverty, existing only for charity; mother tries
to evangelize me, to give up my life for her
religion, to send my kids to her

I am free to leave my parents after the savage
scenes of violence in which they played virtuous
parents subjecting their rebellious children while
blaming grandma for everything

I respect their way of life, but refuse to take part in
the emotional blackmail by which they live, I seek
different rules, they find insistence on discipline
and consistent behaviour ridiculous

Regard a quest for integrity with grave distrust because
they believe in blind obedience to irrational demands,
persist in the same behavior that led to bankruptcy
which they defend as doing the right thing

They expect me to show solidarity by following their
example; when I refuse, they make me invisible; I
shall honour them by not interfering again…
*

No-one To Talk To

*
My father kindly put life into perspective today
upon my making enquiries he happily explained
grandma Alice wanted some pocket money so
she drove the crèche kombi while taking care of
five kids, preparing meals every day

She earned extra income just to be jolly, a mother
who once stole for her son and nearly ended in jail,
frolicked by selling dresses she made, idly dabbling
with extra work just for fun, indeed, charmed by his
adroit explanation for grandma’s hard work

I asked him about his aggression when we were small,
eyes staring wildly he angrily replied he had never been
aggressive at all, never hit his kids, maybe once, adding
that he must have been drunk, he admits to throttling
my sister, insisting that was okay

I can see he has a point, observing my twin sister being
throttled by my dad sure builds character, my brother re-
calls mother also throttling her, a most reassuring way to
spend one’s childhood, no reason to be anxious or
scared when I was small

It is not as if they did it too often after all, besides he never
did anything to me; I know because I was invisible, unable
to protect my sister against the murderous intent of both
parents I did not plan on drawing their attention, I took
refuge in a book, there was no-one to talk to

And nothing to say…
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Intersecting Relationships

*

On page 632 Shantaram says he lost
the mark on the psychic map that says
you are here, identity and personality
are like coordinates drawn by intersec-
ting relationships, we know who and
what we are by reference to the rea-
sons we love special people

The first feeling I recall was abandon-
ment, feeling my life is meaningless, I
had no marks to indicate where I was,
the intersecting relationship we had
with our parents was fiendish alienation
and malice towards each other, living
in hell, no affection at all

There were no reasons to love anyone,
only resentment and anger ever surfaced,
my sister and I were nauseous, lost, without
reference to a safe place or friendship, when
I saw mother, I wanted to cry, when I saw
dad, I wanted to die; imitating my brothers
in everything, expecting help

But they were as lost as we were, grandma
was running and talking and working, at night
when we were ill, only she made an appear-
ance, during the day coldness was palpable,
the relationships in our house intersected at
a point called hatred, therefore we fell on
our knees in adoration

When tannie Marieta appeared and took an
interest in us, teaching us games, taking us
with her on outings, looking like love, so
very beautiful, showing us life, when
she came visiting, the sun came out…

Gregory David Robert “Shantaram” Abacus 2004
Quotes taken from page 632.
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Burlesque: Malice Aforethought

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Do you know the absolute burlesque
when your father is telling everybody
in the loudest, scathing voice, exactly
how bad and dysfunctional mother is

While she is playing the role of Lady,
pretentious, pushing her kids into the
spotlight as if we can sing – like per-
forming monkeys - while father’s

Droning voice keeps delineating every
mistake she has ever made, informing
everyone how she messed up - never
does he explain why he refuses to split

Why he insists on staying with a person
who treats him with utter contempt, if he
cannot respect her, if she cannot honour
him; it seems like malice aforethought

That keeps them in orbit around another,
I cannot remain in the same place with
both of them, once when driving I had to
force them to stop bickering

Their arguing, running each other down,
making me a dangerous driver, and I am
not the best driver to begin with, having
been blessed with recklessness…
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Humiliation, Agitation, Confusion

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Sank into a deeper layer today, below the
fear that you infused with hope and trust,
a layer of agitation and total confusion, I
felt so ridiculous I could barely control my
face - muscles twitched, brain-freeze,
feeling ashamed of being me

Shantaram says p.432 humiliation makes us
feel ashamed, striking the heart that wants to
love - when violated we feel shame at being
human - I become the hunchback of Notre
Dame, cannot work or think, I flee from my
existence into being a crocodile

My real self shrinks into a little alien hanging
from the rafters in my head, I need to flee into
dreams to unfreeze my brain and concentrate,
within the deepest layers of my experience
there is a humiliation so deep, I cannot
explain it in words that make sense

Shantaram’s description approaches the feeling,
this is the first thing I felt when I started my life, I
felt like this before I turned four, it incapacitates
me, I have to play a role to be able to function
but that is dangerous, losing the ability to
connect with reality, I am trying to work

Through this layer of madness in order to find
myself, to stop running, to watch the painful
scenes of early youth – or at least, I am
planning to, the hurt might come back
and I’m afraid…

Gregory David Roberts “Shantaram” Abacus 2004
p. 432
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Autobiography

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‘Tis rather a shock growing up with role models
that seem wonderful - only to discover as one
grows older that the person so adored is more
flawed than you could ever have guessed

Imitating others we obtain the same advantages
and suffer the same censure as well, I could not
understand why imitating mother brought me
enormous problems as I grew older, but then

I noticed the consequence for family members living
with her was disaster and alienation, hostilities and
full-scale war, I looked again at my role model to
discover the cause of all the chaos

I finally found the answer to the riddle in her fantasy
world, total withdrawal from reality made it impossible
to make contact with other people, what is worse,
she lost contact with herself, therefore

She is faced with a series of roles she plays, each one
interpreting facts differently, she tells a different story to
each person in her life, when her interlocutors compare
their different versions, all become belligerent

She tells my sister she is ill and dying while she tells me
she is happy and thriving, she tells her church pastor she
feels fine while she seems to be mortally injured when
meeting my sister and father - then they get angry with

The callous pastor who left mother to perish without help,
not realizing that the act of death mother presents for the
family’s benefit is an unconscious desire mother has to
have them help and sympathise, mother does not know

The family loves her enough to help even if she is not dying
at all, mother cannot understand why everybody around her
is fighting wherever she goes, she always tells different things
to different people, then they fight about their perceptions

Of mother and her state of health – I looked at the picture I
saw, the solution to the riddle of mother’s conflict-ridden life
and smiled resignedly, this is the role-model I have imitated
all my life, no wonder I have no mental peace, and I

Have been studying human nature and have the help of a mentor
to overcome my psychological problems - I can just imagine how
terribly unsettled mother’s inner life must be, although she bears
no malice in her, because of her mental instability

She could not get on with grandma Alice, could not see that my
father looked ridiculous dressed up like a lord, my father can be
mistaken for Alfred P. Dolittle, but never for Henry Higgins,
yet mother refused to see the difference

She coerced my father to accompany her to elite social functions
never realizing how ridiculous he made her appear because he
was a common dust-man with a gift for eloquence while she
was like Mrs Eynsford Hill, the mother of Clara and Freddy

A snob who kept up appearances while she was so poor, she
never sent Freddy to school so that he was a sham of a noble
lord; mother liked to mix with respectable people and refused
to see that forcing my father to stand at her side

Defeated her purpose, made her seem pompous, the worst is
it made us the laughing stock in our little world - as Elizabeth
Bennet sighed, nothing could ever make up for the shame and
humiliation she and Jane suffered by her mother’s pretensions

The family suffered under mother’s attempts to present my father
as a polished lord while he was a diamond in the rough, she played
at being The Queen of Hearts while my father was Attila the Hun
and she tried to make people believe that this Barbarian

Was an honourable citizen, refusing to accept the world as it is,
today I have to work very hard to separate truth from fiction, so
as to escape the same pitfalls, being imaginative is very
enjoyable, but terribly dangerous too

I trust that hubby helps me to separate truth from fiction and look
up to my older brother for guidance in seeing reality as it is, only
then shall I be able to live up to the ideals Shantaram illustrated
so beautifully as he got rid of his pretence of being

Innocent of the heartache and crime that messed up his life before
he embraced reality and forgave himself and then all the others…


References:

Characters in “Pygmalion” by George Bernard Shaw
Characters in “Pride and Prejudice” by Jane Austen
Character in “Alice in Wonderland” by Lewis Carroll
Author ‘s nickname “Shantaram – Man of Peace” by
Gregory David Roberts
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