Goodness Leads To Epiphany

I’ve been lucky enough to have my hair cut
by a complete idiot, on perceiving its quality
and texture she cut it in layers – now I have
nothing left, can’t create a style, looking like
an idiot myself, enough to spoil my day

Dishes first , then catching up on the work
of today, when the going got tough I couldn’t
find the right terms, frequent upsurges of ad-
renaline in getting angry at being frequently
interrupted by an inconsiderate colleague

Took my little powers of concentration away,
sitting like sardines in a tin can one can’t sit
back and enjoy solitude, leaving me no energy,
growing feverish and hot, once a kind surgeon
offered to remove one adrenal gland

To lessen the adrenaline rush cause by any
emotional change; saved by a second opinion
advising me to make peace with chronic head-
ache caused by my volatile nature, my only re-
course practicing self-control and subterfuge

The advantages are HUGE, a little goodness leads
to epiphany, so I’m willing to pay by suffering the
feverish anxiety caused by things going awry,
hiding the discomfort of fluctuating moods as
best I may

Never sure that I will be able to complete any job,
trying to create an upbeat mood superficially by
focusing on positive thoughts only, writing a
few poems during the day…

Written In Fever And Blood

I stare at the text until my head aches, but
the biggest pain is in my heart, heartache
is not recognized as a valid complaint –
while heartache is my problem, I can’t get
any help; struggling on, lagging far behind

I’ve been given a list of rules entailing that
I study my translation to make it faithful to
source text, the result is noises became
monsters, I have to isolate myself with the
text until my work is done, I’m running

down the passage, running form the pain, the
hurt of the documents, the accusation – cannot
concentrate, my mind fluctuates moving in and
out of existence, when I tell anyone, they say
it is impossible to suffer this way

Once everybody has consensus that my problem
does not exist, I can’t bring it to anyone’s attention
I’m giving up on life, I gave up a long time ago to
try to explain how I feel – the feedback is – it is
impossible, no-one can feel like that

so I keep quiet and carry on as best I can, covering
up the fact that I’m feverish and tired day, escaping
briefly by writing a few lines of poetry, then sitting in
my chair until I can run down the passage, sing on
the stairway, inferior and stupid because

my secret suffering is not understood – why should I
try to communicate with strangers - fathom meaning
in what they say, when ALL who know me cannot
begin to understand my emotions and experience
the reason I suffer when I try to edit two

boring texts – the original in the source language and
my bleak translation, written in fever and blood…

Nici’s Western Cape Flower Pictures….

Mice Bush Hidey Hole restaurant on the beach...

Where Nici took flower photos...

Life Can Start Anew

When nothing makes sense because I cannot make a
difference - at least, not a discernable one - then it
pays to remember Paul from the New Testament;
we are persecuted but not hopeless, we are suffering
but not destitute - his fire burning within; we have to
find our freedom within ourselves; when circumstances
get me down, I read Ecclesiastes: There is nothing new
under the sun, it is all a repetition of what went before;
then the part I adore: So let us enjoy our lives while
we can, as joy is the reason for life - I wish to add to
that: For that reason, let's blow up all governments -
as a matter of fact, let's detonate the H-bomb and get
rid of this planet and maybe the solar system so life
can start under more auspicious curcumstances in
a better part of the multiverse...

Humanity’s Freedom

......... 22 October 2008

A monstrous rebellion because I hate sitting here
without context, except the fact that I must earn a
salary, learn to be tolerant and supportive, learn
consideration and the ethics of hard work, I’m an
unethical villain, dreaming of joyful existence and
loving kindness in freedom, not tethered to a desk
and monitored every step - what did you do, where
did you go, what did you think, did your thoughts
conform to our policy, no dreaming, no hope, no
scheming, simply emotionless devotion to formal
rules where only the letter of the law has any say,
while the spirit of the law is carefully smothered in
an attempt to quantify the human spirit, all souls
made pliable, the imprint of brainless, mindless
bureaucracy forced on to it, irrelevant procedures
with no other meaning than subjection and the
destruction of thought forced upon us until the
mind is distraught, the personality splits into a
million different sunbeams setting off on their
own to find a spiritual home in realms beyond
the visible, audible, tactile, olfactory spectrum
that subjected a whole civilization, an unsated
Moloch insisting on destroying the
last vestiges of original thought?

Hooray for the criminal culture where initiative
is safely wrought, hooray for renegade corners
in our society where independent thinking can’t
be stamped out, where the redistribution of
wealth takes place democratically, where no
outside authority can impose soul-destroying
discipline, hooray that the government can string
mindless officials by the million and dissect our
innards without touching a hair from the criminal
horde who happily cavort everywhere, overcoming
every device and security system ever devised by
official powers, hooray for independent thinking and
pragmatic thought because the official criminal state
has annexed all traditional ethics to subject all its
citizens, morality has always been the yoke used
to govern the masses, the handmaiden of powerful
institutions, kings and queens, the very rich, religious
powers using superstition to control everyone,
recommending faith, trust and belief without proof
as the way to heaven so people will forget how
to use their own intelligence and thinking powers,
hooray for the criminal element that ensures
humanity’s freedom for evermore!

Put Up My Feet

I want to put up my feet, lie back in the sun,
think of the beach, find my soul, seeking words
of encouragement to keep hope alive while life
sets requirements I cannot meet

I want to find a hidey-hole where my thoughts
can be safe to roam and to play without falling
into the black hole of fear that opened up in my
heart as I lost the ability to

Conquer bodily weakness and hold on to a frame-
work within which awareness makes sense – a
super-consciousness that is benevolent allowing
us the freedom to mold

Our lives with the choices we make all the time…

Live By The Sea

Oh, my request is – let me live by the sea, let
me complete my experience of life at the sea-
side, on the beach; let me become a beach bum;
let me flee this life that I lead and become someone
else – someone more free, someone who feels good
just sitting and breathing, not having to fight against
feelings of meaningless life every time that I eat and
my body reacts with symptoms that would drive a
saint insane; that would drive a spiritual writer like
Wyane Dyer to demon drink and make Terry Pratchett
hang himself in grief! – that makes Harry Potter’s
suffering under his loving Uncle Vernon and dotty
Aunt Petunia seem like a Sunday school picnic…

Presenting Visually

Flowers of Namaqualand
Nici enjoyed taking photographs, she likes playing with
a camera, even won a prize at school, not wishing to
write down her thoughts or describing the beauty she
sees – she prefers presenting everything visually…

Smiles And Crutches

Nici and I could smile while we wandered amongst
the wild flowers, but Tiaan was wearing a frown,
he had to hobble everywhere and those crutches were
tiring in the end, but the flowers touched our hearts
and made us see beauty in a new way…

The yellow flowers changing the fields into plates
of sunshine, flowers in Namaqualand are divine,
creating a flowery paradise that shines…

Here’s A Toast

Went down to the coast,
here’s a toast to a special
place called Muisbosskerm,
though we couldn’t eat there

...in Lambert's Baai...

It was quite wonderful to enjoy
the sublime white sand of the
wide beach, see the lovely blue
sea, enjoy the beauty of tranquillity

And shimmering sunshine illuminating
nature pristine...

Tiaan went about on crutches, even hobbled

over the stones on the beach, the plaster
comes off within two weeks, then he’ll be
free to walk, jump and run again, six weeks
in plaster was more than enough!

Facing Sparkling Sunlight

I donned my Kruger National Park hat to face the
sparkling sunlight, enjoying the bewitching caress
of a myriad flowers in rolling fields of soft Cape
gorse and succulents; all indigenous and unique,
how lovely the bounty of beauty, filling my soul
and bubbling to overflowing!

Infinite Glory In Dainty Finesse

The beauty of Namaqualand’s Wild Flowers
cannot be described in words, the dainty finesse,
the delicatesse, the fragility, the overpowering
sense of nature’s bounty, the wideness of God’s
infinite glory, superconsciousness smiling in
awareness of magical smiles depicted in the
sweetness of colourful flowers…

Things Turn Out All Right

An attack of anxiety, no more waffles
for me at Kingsley, I cannot fall asleep
in my chair with all eyes upon me, can-
not play freely on the Internet, cold
fingers enclosing my heart, the future
looks dark, how shall I get through the
day if I have to concentrate on a docu-
ment, no more recording thoughts or
looking at Slaughter Engineering or
aliens in underground bunkers or crop
circles or Russian research on genetic
Internet

How shall I survive not closing a door
and thinking my own thoughts, keeping
up my head, not wilting when suffering
allergy - suddenly I am beset with a self-
destructive desire to eat all the wrong
foods, longing for bread that makes me
hyper-active and noisy before dropping
off to sleep involuntarily - no escaping
the boredom of life by eating chocolates
and passing out with fluctuating blood
sugar levels - no more dancing and
singing in my office

At least, the acoustics on Kinsley’s staircase
is good, tried it out, sang aloud while walking
from floor to floor, greeting all security guards
and explaining my mission – to reacquaint
myself with the rest of the Department Arts
and Culture; when I mentioned floor six and
Language Service; smiles appeared, then saw
the same security guard we had at Metropark,
moved with us to Arts and Culture; mockingly
threatening me to beware wandering off into
enemy territory instead of staying on the six
floor as duty prescribed

I shall tackle the tomorrow’s problems tomorrow,
with all the goodwill I met today, things are
bound to turn out all right!