A Weird Little Person (Revised)

A weird little person with a mission to be
extrovertly extravagant – oh, so that’s who
I am! I’m intrigued, I had always thought I
was supposed to be a self-pitying introvert

Yet you see me trying to be a recluse of fate
and divest me of my carefully constructed
illusions; such frank and open honesty, it
delights and amuses –

I always end up with goofballs, men of good
sense don’t waste time talking to me, either
I’m totally ugly or my incomprehensibly
icy stare puts them off –

I may resemble Miss Marple, or worse due
to my masculine self-esteem, Hercule Poirot
with walrus moustaches, I have none on my
face as yet – but what of tomorrow...

How The Dinosaurs Died (Revised)

How develop evergreen self-esteem when yesterday’s
regime – 2 kinds of rolls, fresh and warm– can be seen
in swollen eyelids and facial expression effect

‘Tis unfair to know all bread and dough is explicitly
forbidden, ‘tis so unfair it strengthens my theory the
dinosaurs’ extinction was also due to wheat allergy

Forced to subsist on grass and grain, they expired with
sinuses swollen, unseeing eyes, low blood sugar and
muscle weakness, all symptoms of food intolerance

It caused their universal demise; I shall not force my
surmise on science but until I die I shall be the only
one who intimately knows how the dinosaurs died!


[ORIGINAL:]

Eyelids swollen, how to develop evergreen self-esteem
when yesterday’s regime – two kinds of rolls, fresh and
warm – can be seen in the effect on my facial skin?

‘Tis unfair, it is, it is, to know all kinds of bread and dough
is forbidden, ‘tis so unfair, strengthening my theory that
dinosaurs went extinct being allergic to wheat like me

Forced to subsist on grass and grain, they expired with
swollen sinuses and unseeing eyes, low blood sugar and
muscle weakness, all symptoms of food intolerance

This caused their universal demise; I shall not force my
surmise on scientific men, but until I die, I shall be the
only one who knows how the dinosaurs died!


‘Evergreen self-esteem’ – Coined by Terry Pratchett in
his new book “Snuff” [Lord Rust, p. 62]

Ad Hoc(ery) Fall Afoul

A Tale of Pseudo-Officialese in Three Parts

PART 1. KRA Pa - DD/FLEA

[I am totally submissive when it comes to internal admin
totally resigned to turning the mind into cheese curd]

Let’s meet to discuss the fourth
KRA on our Pas, use of ‘ad hoc’
banned, alternatives ‘additional
or special tasks’ no-no’s also

Move banned ad hoc KRA or choose
new KRA ‘Acting but not acting, Fooling
around, Socialising and losing bets’
since use of the terms

‘Ad hoc, special, additional and tasks’ are
outlawed - we should email our proposal
to DD/FLEA (cc D/TE) then awaaaiiiiiit
their approval

Let’s decide on KRA 4 and adapt our
PDPs accordingly - oh joy, use of
acronyms are becoming even
more wonderful…

[Sorry, I don’t know what these acronyms
stand for, though I shall find out eventually]

****************************************

PART 2. Thank you to my Foreign Correspondent
for supplying the meaning of all these acronyms,
it is fantastic, I am sure Terry Pratchett could not
have said it any better...

Foreign Correspondent:

‘Ad hoc’ (ery) is typical public servant speak meaning
whatever springs to mind on the spur of the moment
without being subliminally connected permanently to
or definitional of anything said, alluded to or intended
to express one’s words as an opinion

Without undue concern or need for complimentary group
consensus that said opinion will be taken as indicatively
gospel or potentially suppressed as the result of tacit
pseudo-officialese cautions exercised covertly or
retributively or expectations of a

Well-founded fear it will fall afoul of future hierarchical
displeasure regardless anyway...

DD/FLEA could mean Deputy Director Foreign Littorals
and Extra-terrestrial Administration

************************************

PART 3. Thank you Note

I am enthralled by your brilliant definitions, the
description of DD/FLEA has me flummoxed,
enchanted and totally overcome – delighted!
Extra-terrestrial Administration
YES, I LOVE it!

Now I have a terrible headache and nausea
realizing that today’s beauty is to be spoilt
with discussion of all these aspects of our
KRA’s and PA’s and DDTEE being absent
without official authorization and us carrying
the torch of civilization in the dark night of
superhuman administration – it is too much,
I have to lie down, my nerves are shot, my
heart broken by so many wonderful things…

Smouldering, Mysterious Type

Told my friend an anecdote* that made
us roll over in laughter, the troll rumbled
at the young man - It’s not right when a
lad is alone in a lady’s ‘boodwa’ - the lad
replied - It’s quite all right, I’m not alone,
she’s here with me’ -

My friend remarked she would not have
liked to have a chaperone all the time – I
thought about this – You and I would not
have noticed a chaperone; she would have
taken us into adventure and danger out of
pity for our boring lives

Since we are both the eternal wallflower
kind - we laughed even harder - what we
would give to become the smouldering,
mysterious type instead of being our-
selves, always worried about things
- to the point of suffocating -

My friend cannot forgive herself for saying
‘Heil Hitler’ to a Jewish lady teaching Spanish
dance when *she seemed to salute her; I still
feel a pain in my heart when I remember my
small daughter cried when I broke her magic
wand by accident

anecdote* = from “Moving Pictures, Terry Pratchett
‘Boodwa’ – boudoir
*she seemed to salute her = The lady made
Spanish dance movements that translated to
a Heil Hitler salute in Alet’s mind, all confused

[For my friend Alet Oelofse]

Variation On A Theme

Transposition of Planet Earth police activities to the
Disc World in order to enjoy the names of these
lovely police departments

Investigations are continuing in Quirm and adjacent
towns by officers of the Central Office for the
Suppression of Illicit Traffic in Drugs and Lord
Selachi, examining magistrate at the Court of
Higher Instance of Ankh-Morpork - and the

Rogatory Commission of Mrs Bigtoe, examining
magistrate at the Court of First Instance of
Uberwald assisted by the Investigation and
Intervention Brigades of Quirm - and the

Proceeds of Crime Unit at the Inter-Regional Division
of the Criminal Investigation Department of Quirm –
and the Canine Unit of the Commissioner Of Public
Safety in Uberwald - and the liaison officer of the
Division of International Cooperation in Klatch

- and The Criminal Investigation Department of Stolat -
and Detectives of a branch of the Criminal Investigation
Department of Quirm, a branch of the Ankh-Morpork
Central Office for Combating Illicit Drug Trafficking
in the Disc World

- And The Central Public Security Directorate of
Uberwald – do you also see the beauty of
administrative departments?

Darwin Was Adopted

(Darwin’s hangup because he was adopted)
Oh dear, the pain, the angst, the fear,
alone at night in bed, knowing what
had been done and said: Darwin dear,
you have been adopted, is that clear -
Mama Darwin said, little Charles felt
so abandoned in his lonely bed,
knowing he had been left
at an early age

As he stared into the gorilla’s cage, he wondered
what would have happened if he had been a little
monkey too, with apelike mien and lots of fruits
to chew, wondered why he could not live high up
in a tree, the world, the sad, sad world from afar
to see, wondering why he were not a single-cell
organism in the oceans deep, where the waters
would his heart-ache keep

So Darwin boarded the HMS Beagle and went
a-sailing to the Galapagos Islands to flee his little
orphan life at home, he looked here and he looked
there, feeling sorry for himself and this little world
where animals lived by stealth and ate each other to
keep their health and plants bloomed in abundant
wealth; and said to himself: I wonder how did it
happen that a whale resembles an elephant

While a rhinoceros seems related to a hippopotamus,
why did eyes form in two’s on little fishes while they
proliferated into millions of little apertures on spiders
and other creepy things, I am sure there is a lesson to
be learnt, I feel like falling into the rabbit hole and
ponder things with the Lory and Egret, my thoughts
are reeling and writhing in circles and there is a porpoise
on my trail - such were his thoughts as he flailed about

Trying to solve the riddle of his orphan existence: Could
there be a reason why the little oysters failed to see that
the walrus were planning to eat them – were they left
bereft of rational thought such as Descartes said homo
erectus possessed – and where did this thought process
originate – could it be too late to wrestle the magic of
existence from invisible gods in the sky above and offer
it to evolution as a new godhead instead

A new fairytale to explain life as it is and was – and maybe
to determine why my mother and father did not take care
of orphan me, but gave me up for adoption – I should have
been drowned, but as I was not – does this not prove the
magic of my youth – I am so evolved and will expand through
evolution into the magic father of a new natural science
revolution? – the young Darwin mused, a happy recluse,
embracing his orphan life with the gusto of

The theoretical gourmand who devours theories for breakfast
and loves himself for being the kindred spirit of all modern
thinkers, happy to bring about the apex of atheism; there is
no god, only nothingness that creates life all by itself, just as
lightning applied to a boiling mixture in the sea, and see –
the world is an orphan, godless – like me!


Alicique (Wonderlandburlesque)

As for Alice’s gourmandise – living life on vegetables sounds
like a concentration camp existence – it drives her to tears…

World Of Cruelty

Oi vey, the only value a tree has for me is
to hang myself although the prospect of
making another magic Excel list that counts
every breath I take, that measures every
step and indicates every time I lift my hand
to type, that counts the seconds spent on
sweet research and every minute wasted
on silly banter and resounding laughter;
keeps me alive with enough excitement in
my heart to enable yours truly to stay sane
in this world of cruelty and clichéd remarks

Travel Like a Bedouin

Making an appointment at an enormous grey
building stretching for miles, I have been there
before, after finding a parking spot which leaves
one tired and discouraged, one has to walk for
ages to find a booth to ask directions to a hall
where students register, then queue for hours
growing weak

Once I went there with wooden shoes and clack-
clack went up and down stairs, one of the lecturers
said my clonking shoes should be made to play a
tune; I never visit our version of Unseen University
yet this time there is no way to escape, I plan to
take a bag full of food and wear hiking boots,
carry cool-drinks and packets of

Carbohydrate-rich chips, park my car and take a
backpack and sleeping bag and begin the walkabout
looking for Theo Van Wyk Building, stop, eat and
sleep if the trip takes many hours - until I fulfil my
search for the Holy Grail; associating that building
with pain means I shall be better prepared than
Odysseus when he left on his Odyssey

Never again struggling on in growing fatigue – I
shall travel like a Bedouin carrying his whole
life with him!

Hmmm according to Witches Abroad it would be
best if I were to wear breeches and red boots and
carry a cat full of self-satisfied malevolence with
me, this way I would be assured of adventures
also…)

Unleash My Ardslignish

The clouds form a map of the UK in the sky
then morphs into a white Troglodyte, but due
to an aberration in cloud formation and my
fixation on all things English, I find another
map of England up high in the shining white
which also morphs into a white Troglodyte,
clearly a regular pattern in Cumulus cloud

Again I wondered why all radio stations play
horrible electric music without resonance, the
piped voice of an alien being singing hallo-o-o
-oh over and over while the electric keyboard
repeats the same rhythmic pattern, one word to
describe this tinny sound is Ardentinny and my
reaction of lightning destruction of brain
cells can only be called Ardslignish

With hubby driving, I must endure this Araglin of
hellish sounds so he can be happy and content
while complaining endlessly about errant drivers
not making way as he makes his imperial approach,
I never use expletives like he does, I store my
anger while listening how drivers incur his wrath

When I take the wheel I unleash my Ardslignish on my
fellow road-hogs while singing happily the top of my
voice, no Ardentinny unleashing Araglin for me, I sing
with the Beach Boys and croon with Elvis Presley…


Ardslignish, Ardentinny and Araglin: See “The Meaning of Liff”
by Douglas Adams, I have taken some liberty with his
dictionary, pp. 6+7.

Excitement And Delight

I must warn you, Joan cum Helga, I do not
get along well with women, their emotional
blackmail is not to my taste, going around
in a swarm never appealing, I go my own
way, I detest the way women present in
sororities and all this supporting each
other does not make sense

They team up on men to seduce them but
in reality they only compete among them-
selves, all guys want to know is can you
get rid of your clothes and can everyone
drink, the get-ups and hair-do's are all
done to impress other women, men
are impressed by female per se

They prefer all specimens undressed - I like
men fully dressed and women hidden in many
layers of clothing, creating mystery where
there is none inherently, presenting a
challenge in a world that is boring
without exciting restraints, rules
are made to be broken

With excitement and delight, without rules
freedom becomes boring and common-
place, the more rules, the bigger the
excitement in breaking them without
getting caught or not, whatever
your taste…

Let Me Be Stolen

Give me a freezer that is out of control
it might gobble me up or attack someone
else, let me be stolen so I can call the
Thailand police

Give me a Nokia for connocting poople,
let me stop taking notice of safe and be-
come the slippery who are very crafty,
let me meet

Irate shopkeepers who sell smoke cow
feet, cow something and salted pig tail,
let me join to the stage and rub against
the wall…

Pinkerton in Madame Butterfly

Alice looked at the jumping Kangaroo
and asked the Caterpillar, Could I climb
upon its back and go off to see the great
Australian outback?

The Caterpillar puffed and said, No, I think
you had better climb upon a Unicorn to go
see Big Ben on the Tower of London, greet
the happy Tuna Fish

Splashing in the sea and ask the Owl to lead
you to the pretty Butterfly who waits for me…
Alice looked at him sagely, the lovely Butterfly
was obviously his lady-love

Alice knew all about that tragedy, how Sharpless
never warned her that her captain, returning to
Japan, was already married to someone else
and she prepared a feast for him

When Madame Butterfly saw his bride she cried,
fell onto a sword accompanied by the Humming
Chorus, and Alice asked, Dear Caterpillar, can
Sharpless warn Madame Butterfly this time

Or will she die again? The Caterpillar, happy things
on his mind, not thinking about Puccini at all, irately
replied What are you talking about, child, the lady
Butterfly knows she has to wait for me

As soon as this hookah’s finished, I’m off to see my
bride because she is my epiphany – hearing this,
Alice was stumped, deciding she preferred Gilbert
and Sullivan to Puccini any day

She loved the Very Model of a Modern Major-General
staying close to his desk and never going to sea –
much better than Pinkerton in Madame Butterfly…

Eine Schauergeschichte

Hermien reported writing a poem about a
mouse in German class, rhyming words -
I loved the idea, started playing with my
German dictionary, delighted by terms
such as ‘die Sprachmelodie’

‘Die Spitzengeschwindigkeit’ and ‘Spindeldürr’
any story about a mouse would definitely be
‘eine Schauergeschichte’ - I dreamed up my
own ‘Deutsche Gedicht’ on a mouse in the
house and the shock it entailed:

‘Ich habe nie geglaubt es könnte einmal ein Maus
in diesem Haus von mir gebaut, aber liebe Frau,
es ist genau was geschehen ist, welcher Graus
ich sah die Maus mit meinen eigenen Augen und
ich schrie - Heraus! Heraus!

In meinem blauen Haus wird keine Maus erlaubt
- auf einmal schrie mein Mann – Halten Sie den
Hauch, senken Sie den Haupt - denn Räuber
hat die Maus geklaut - welch ein Traurigkeit
sagte ich schauerlich und lachte

Der Lauf dieser Geschichte ist so komisch, kein
Mensch wird mausen – aber es gibt
Schauergeschichte von Ratten
also meine Maus muss heraus…

Contemplating Strychnine

Caught in a fog of physical and mental
suffocation, explaining symptoms to a
new doctor; in a brisk manner, brooking
no opposition, not to be deflected
though I’m talking steadily - he
wrote three prescriptions

One for long-term allergy control, one
for immediate symptomatic relief, one
for stopping synapses firing wildly, I
was still talking about taking strychnine
when he showed me the door - these
expensive medicines

Will make you forget of ever contemplating
strychnine he said – I suppose the cost will
be more effective in stopping me breathing
than strychnine…

Wildly Uproarious

Alet and I have it neatly worked out
as long as the wildly uproarious and
boisterous are kept for delight while
listening to André Rieu, dancing and
singing along, we love rowdiness

And uncouth, rude remarks should be
made in a refined, modulated voice to be
shared with girl friends only, we discussed
the double entendre of certain elements
making small contributions

In the most elegant, dainty way, laughing
without making a sound; we agreed that
singing loud hymns and songs of praise
while washing dishes, was allowed -
as long as we kept them separate

Never mixing the rude with the boisterous
both aspects of life can be enjoyed without
serious mental qualms about being badly
behaved…

A Love Story

Our hero, Chamsddine Vinguidassalom, driving his Lamborghini,
throws back his hair, thinking contemptuously that BBC’ Top Gear
Jeremy once drove a Lamborghini, that peasants like journalists
are allowed to drive his sacrosanct car is beyond him, it should
be taboo to the populace, only billionaires like himself should
be allowed anywhere near it

Rounding a corner, he crashes into the humble car of Valiantsina
Hrybouskaya, our heroine, her car broke down in the middle of
the road, no Top Gear team around to bail her out, tinkle, tinkle
one of the headlamps of the Lamborghini breaks ominously
Chamsddine jumps out furiously, ready to annihilate our
heroine, but as she unfolds her Swedish beauty

He stares in wondering amazement at her svelte Swedish height
governed by a chemical reaction absolutely incomprehensible
to himself, he falls on his knees and apologises for bumping
into her car, Valiantsina looks at him with real contempt and
tells him to stop his antics and help her move her car to the
side of the road, her helpers watching from the bushes

Wait for our hero to move before jumping into his Lamborghini and
driving off at great speed, Valiantsina with them, Chamsddine
heartbroken and lost, did you think this is a comedy? – No,
this is a most horrible tragedy, to lose a Lamborghini
is the worst pain a man can ever feel…

Legion of Drum Majorettes

*
Library books long overdue glaring at me
donned my pirate jeans to march down the
street without messing up my new leggings
with shimmering beads of which Nici is quite
heartily ashamed, why, she laments, why
wear shiny beads in the middle of day?

I usually wear them with my Bafana T-shirt
because everything looks terrible with such
a glaring yellow; staying in the festive soccer
mood, listening to Leon Schuster’s rugby tune
“Here they come, the Springboks, while the
English Roses play like men on narcotics”

and Steve Hofmeyr “Bring your whole life in a
suitcase, I am saving for a donkey cart to transport
the *predikant” and oom Chris Blignaut “Come and
greet your nation through the wireless bully-beef
broadcasting station” - lustily singing along while
determinedly marching to the rhythm

Thanking my lucky stars nobody openly laughs at
the spectacle I present, feeling like the leader of a
legion of drum majorettes stepping high to the
songs playing in my ears…


Leon Schuster “Here they come, the Springboks”
“Hier kom die Bokke - Die manne van die Rose speel soos
manne met narkose”

Steve Hofmeyr “Pampoen” "Bring jou hele lewe in ‘n tas"
*predikant = pastor

Oom Chris Blignaut “Come, greet the nation by
broadcasting through the wireless bully-beef tin”
“Kom groet nou jou nasie oor die uitsaaistasie »
*

‘Arcane Spell Failure’

*
A brilliant example of the Ubiquitous Acronym
Syndrome*: ‘ASF’ has only 91 possible meanings
I cannot determine which fit my document on
discovering mind-blowing alternatives

‘Apache Software Foundation’ evokes scenes of
Indian Spirit Guides appearing to Victorian mediums
‘Administaff’ reminds of Professor Dumbledore’s*
wizard staff, ‘Arcane Spell Failure’ indicates

Magic spells wearing off, ‘Avenged Sevenfold’ recalls
the French Foreign League, ‘Alabama Shakespeare
Festival’ makes us see Old Man River dressed up
for a rendition of A Midsummer Night’s Dream

‘Association des Sclérodermiques de France’
suggests Boris Karloff appearing as Frankenstein -
my favourite is ‘American Schizophrenia Foundation’
I would love to clock in - last but not least

‘Assignable Square Feet’ creates scenes of round feet
being replaced by square ones to dance the fandango
with more conviction than stomping about on round
yellow ones like Donald Duck

But Agatha Christie-like I suppose the mundane meaning
of the acronym ASF is ‘Africa Standby Force’ within the
context of my document, no Hogwarts* spells and staff
seem to be applicable…


*Ubiquitous Acronym Syndrome: UAS

*Professor Dumbledore & Hogwarts: From
Harry Potter Series by JK Rowlings
*

Psychics of New Orleans

*
Official documents, seeking acronyms to find the most
applicable meanings, enjoying the fun, ‘PNC’ mentioned
in the DRC* according to the Internet means

‘Pakistan Nursing Council’ - highly suspect, further
investigation reveals ‘Partner in Crime’, sounds about
right given the nature of politicians

My favourite is ‘Philatelic Numismatic Combination’ as
it sounds so mysterious, I also like ‘Probability of
Non Compliance’

After this useless search, on to the next acronym,
‘PNO’ stands for ‘Parents Night Out’ or ‘Pagans Night
Out’ or ‘Poets Night Out’

Since both Parents and Poets are Pagans according to
me, I approve of all three meanings while preferring
‘Psychics of New Orleans’

Though nothing fits in my document, of course…


*DRC is the only one I know, Democratic Republic of the Congo
*

Motivational Picture

*

Hanlie sent me a funny email, a motivational
picture, I laughed because it is a self-
portrait - of me as I feel today...
*