Stream Carrying Me Into Nothingness

I grew up with the mistaken belief only painful life

is meaningful, that living carefree and happy was

sinful & senseless - only struggling and suffering

would make us worthy - and it is so wrong at so

 

Many levels as it is obviously true that everyone

strives to live as long as possible, except for the

few who commit suicide: why would most people

prefer living to death if life were truly dedicated to

 

Sadness and pain - since pain & disappointment

go hand in hand, it’s logical that anything I do has

to fail for my life to have meaning: this sabotaging

myself has led to me taking great care to fail at

 

Most everything - success implies loss of meaning,

when success was achieved inadvertently, I felt so

worried and guilty; but this is no way to live - being

told within Calvinist tradition that we have all been

 

Conceived & born in sin, stopped me in my tracks

before I could take any steps towards success - &

the constant war at home; Mom blaming Grandma

Alice for the family going bankrupt & Dad blaming

 

Both of them for his losing everything, which is true;

he did lose everything he worked for, at least he did

retain his five privileged kids healthy & thriving - but

continuous war at home convinced me that only a

 

Feeling of war is proof of life & passion - thus I can

never be content in a calm and loving environment,

so I am condemned to a life of strife since it is the

only template that makes sense of life - but today

 

I realise the spiritualist claim that “Life is a game of

consciousness, in which all living things relish the

feeling of being alive versus nothingness, in which

challenge is exciting & adventure gives spice to life”

 

Is true as it explains everything - yet I remain stuck

in the feeling of the meaninglessness of life - I can’t

get out of the stream carrying me into nothingness...