Passionate Love I Was Scared Of

When I was small I decided never to fall
in love, it seemed much too dangerous,
people are irresponsible and emotions
irrational, I followed my own advice and
never fell in love, at the sign of infatuation
I would run a mile, thus I made sure my
heart could not be broken, when I read
about the pain suffered through unrequited
love and untimely death as described in
a story about people with artistic tempe-
raments, I made up my mind never to
become such a kind of person, I locked
up my heart and threw away the key

I wanted to live a “rational, common-sense
life”, though it was difficult with my heart in
cold storage – melting in little bits, but I still
insisted on living my life in small chunks to
prevent emotional overload; today I wonder
what would have happened if I had lived life
as it came - giving free rein to spontaneous
emotions instead of creating a role for myself
and trying to live up to my own demands and
ideals and hurting so much in the process –
would a passionate life have been more
painful, would I have been able to deal with
that kind of ache?

Rereading my childhood book, feeling the same
second-hand pain caused by the sorrows of
the characters, I realized why I had made that
decision so long ago and locked up my choice
in a mental steel safe – will death blow that
decision away and open my awareness to the
kind of passionate love I was scared of in life?